Jenn's journal

Round 7 - Day 40 - A Rebirth

2012-11-19T04:46:28Z

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Saturday November 17 2012

Round 7 – Day 40 – A Rebirth

“Write out a renewal of your vows and place them in your home. Perhaps, if appropriate, you could make arrangements to formally renew your wedding vows before a minister and with family present. Make it a living testament to the value of marriage in God's eyes and the high honor of being one with your mate.”

The time has arrived—the “end” of my Love Dare journey—nine months consisting of countless lessons learned, intense hurt, peace, lots and lots of tears, joy, sickness, strength, weakness, many turns, grace, but most of all unconditional love through Him.

I still hope to one day formally renew my vows before the very pastor who married us with our family—until then I hold close to my heart the vows I wrote on this journey. They definitely have a whole new meaning since experiencing all of this.

I ended last round talking about a dream I had about this being my final round and Him giving me the word “rebirth.” After reflecting back on this journey I would say without a doubt the rebirth is twofold—the recommitment of my life to Christ taking it to a level I never imagined and the healing of my marriage. I firmly believe my husband’s rebirth will come one day.

I look forward to what His plans are for me next—seeking and growing in Him more each and every day.

It was a perfect day for this final dare to land on as I returned home from out of state and was reunited with my husband. We are talking through me moving back home very soon and praise God we will be spending this year’s holidays together. His timing (always perfect), mercy, and unconditional love melts my heart. It has been a journey I will NEVER forget—a journey that will continue for a lifetime…

***********

I want to take a moment to thank each one of you who has followed me along this journey. Your encouragement and accountability have been priceless. Your friendship means a lot—Sean, HK, Jason, Libby, JasonW, Ali, Rene, Lisa, Jackie, Ashly, Peaches, Becky, and Sadin.

For those of you at the beginning of this journey – my advice to you is this – let go and let God! Though it will probably be the hardest road you’ve ever been on – it is well worth it. It is life changing. Whether your marriage is restored or a divorce goes through – miracles are STILL happening. I have seen the mountains move in both situations. One of many verses I was reminded of along the way – James 1:2-4 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” We don’t normally think of trials as ‘pure joy.’ We want relief. But God really does mean for us to appreciate the benefits of enduring difficult trials that produce faith and maturity (insert mountain moving here). Our trials often accomplish a depth in us that can’t be achieved any other way. When we can look past the painful process and value the lasting result, we experience the joy of knowing God is working in us for good, and the end of the story will be well worth the trouble it took to get there. -----> That, as well as many others, can attest to!

Round 7 - Day 39 - I Won't Give Up

2012-11-19T04:35:06Z

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Friday November 16 2012

Round 7 – Day 39 – I Won’t Give Up

“Spend time in personal prayer, then write a letter of commitment and resolve to your spouse. Include why you are committing to this marriage until death, and that you have purposed to love them no matter what. Leave it in a place that your mate will find it.”

As I was leaving the retreat last Sunday one of the ladies asked how she could pray for me. I told her my marriage. Her response to me was to not give up and asked if I had heard of the song “Won’t Give Up.” I told her no, but would be sure to check it out. Ironically, that was the second time that day the song was brought to my attention.

I had completely forgotten about it till a couple of days ago when I started praying on these last few dares. I took some time to listen to the song and look up the lyrics. Now I know why the song was shared with me. It is beautiful and exactly what I felt I was to use as my final letter to my husband. I emailed it to him since out of state right now.

Hey hon,

As my trip is coming to an end and we will be reunited again to continue on this road of restoration - I want to share some words with you in the form of lyrics that pour from my heart reflecting my commitment to us.

"I Won't Give Up"

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

Chorus –

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No: I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am

[Chorus]

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

[Chorus]

I invite you to listen to the song - http://youtu.be/TdN5GyTl8K0

I love you babe! The ashes have fallen. I look forward to the beauty that is now going to rise from them.

Forever yours,

Jenn

I was not expecting a response, but for the first time since writing these dare letters he gave one—

I am ready for the next level. I'm ready to experience a relationship that I have always imagined. I love you, I'm ready for you I want to grow old with you.

"Show Me What I'm Looking For"

Wait, I'm wrong

Should have done better than this

Please, I'll be strong

I'm finding it hard to resist

So show me what I'm looking for

Chorus—

Save me, I'm lost

Oh, Lord, I've been waiting for you

I'll pay any cost

Save me from being confused

Show me what I'm looking for

Show me what I'm looking for, oh, Lord

Don't let go

I've wanted this far too long

Mistakes become regrets

I've learned to love abuse

Please show me what I'm looking for

[Chorus]

Save me, I'm lost

Oh, Lord, I've been waiting for you

I'll pay any cost

Just save me from being confused

Wait, I'm wrong

I can't do better than this

I'll pay any cost

Save me from being confused

Show me what I'm looking for

Show me what I'm looking for, oh, Lord

http://youtu.be/a3Jfdnci_-o

A sweet response. One more day to what I would call the beginning of the end as I know this is a lifetime journey.

Round 7 - Day 38 - Love Fulfills Dreams

2012-11-17T06:34:46Z

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Thursday November 15 2012

Round 7 – Day 38 – Love Fulfills Dreams

“Ask yourself what your mate would want if it was obtainable. Commit this to prayer, and start mapping out a plan for meeting some (if not all) of their desires, to whatever level you possibly can.”

I was seeking what new “dream” He wanted me to focus on this round, but by the time the evening rolled around I realized it wasn’t a new one he wanted me to focus on, but to remember the ones He brought to light in past rounds. As I was reflecting on that— my husband called and the conversation we had wrapped around most of those dreams in one way or another. I thought how creative He was with this one’s door being opened. A recap—

Round 1 - Having my support, trust, respect, affection, listening to him whole heartedly, and putting him “first” (after God)—I was able to “give” him a lot of these during our conversation tonight especially while he was expressing his frustrations with his current work situation.

Round 2 - A dream of his is to do the Seattle to Portland bike ride—my husband has not been able to exercise like he is used to due to his broken collar bone. He found a gizmo online where his bike can be placed into it to become a stationary bike and can now exercise that way instead of risking further injury by riding on the street. Tonight was his first night to try it out, so I was able to express how proud of him I was for doing what he can while he heals.

Round 3 – Going on a trip by ourselves—though this did not specifically come up in tonight’s conversation – we have been recently talking about it – just not sure of when.

Round 4 – Reading Emerson Eggrich’s “Love & Respect.”—one of the concepts I learned in this book definitely came up in tonight’s conversation in regards to my husband’s work situation

Round 5 – riding my husband’s motorcycle with him—selfishly I am thankful this is one of the “dreams” that was not wrapped up in tonight’s conversation. It is actually null and void since hubby totaled his bike and does not have plans to get another one. Praise God!!

Round 6 - healing and a “whole” marriage—we are NOW well on our way!!

Round 7 - Day 37 - I Am Second

2012-11-16T05:52:05Z

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Wednesday November 14 2012

Round 7 – Day 37 – I Am Second

“Ask your spouse if you can begin praying together. Use this time to commit your concerns, disagreements, and needs before the Lord. Don't forget to thank Him for His provision and blessing. Even if your spouse refuses to do this, resolve to spend this daily time in prayer yourself.”

Just the same as dare 36, I stand in the gap for my husband for this dare too—still holding onto the hope one day we will do this together.

As my love dare journey is coming to a “close” in a few days I’ve been praying quite a bit about my calling in life. Although I am still seeking clarity around it – He certainly drove a point home for me today through many different avenues. The point was to be obedient to Him. It was first made through today’s prayer titled, “When I Long to Excel in What I Do” in my Power of Praying Wife Devotional then during my Bible Study homework, next while reading a few chapters in “Walking with God,” and finally a friend shared with me Alex Kendrick’s “I am Second” testimony emphasizing the same exact thing. These all eventually led me to Jeremiah 29:11—He plans for prosperity and promises not to harm us. He gives us a hope and a future.

I ended up looking more into the concept of “I am Second.” It is inspirational—a perfect parallel to the Love Dare. I highly recommend checking it out at www.iamsecond.com. I just may start my own group one day.

Round 7 - Day 36 - Love is God's Word

2012-11-14T04:46:59Z

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Tuesday November 13 2012

Round 7 – Day 36 – Love is God’s Word

“Commit to reading the Bible every day. Find a devotional book or other resource that will give you some guidance. If your spouse is open to it, see if they will commit to daily Bible reading with you. Begin submitting each area of your life to its guidance and start building on the rock.”

Still not feeling pressed to see if my husband will commit to daily Bible reading with me. Some recent comments are very apparent he is still far from it, so I continue it on my own.

My reading collection has since grown since starting this journey. In addition to my daily Bible reading and devotionals, I’ve read so many other fantastic books that I was introduced to along the way (Heaven is for Real, The Five Love Languages again, The Shack, The Well, Redeeming Love again, Love & Respect, Hope for the Separated) and currently Walking with God by John Eldridge. I look forward to the many more that have been added to my “to read list.”

Round 7 - Day 35 - Love is Accountable

2012-11-14T04:45:16Z

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Monday November 12 2012

Round 7 – Day 35 – Love is Accountable

“Find a marriage mentor - someone who is a strong Christian and who will be honest and loving with you. If you feel that counseling is needed, then take the first step to set up an appointment. During this process, ask God to direct your decisions and discernment.”

It is no secret that I have felt my husband and I need an example to continue on the healing path of our marriage. I am so grateful my husband has been going to his own counseling as I have remained with mine, but would like to expand on it together. My husband has expressed his reservations on couple’s counseling due to our history with it, which I understand. A different road that has been recommended to me, which I have heard nothing but great things about, is Retrouvaille. I have had my own fearful reservations with asking my husband to go because it is Catholic in origin and orientation. Anything having any piece of “religion” attached to it he is against.

I prayed on it throughout the morning and afternoon and felt the push to ask. I sent him some info and the link about it as it is coming to a nearby town in February. I emphasized it is not a spiritual retreat or couple’s counseling. It is not about converting him or anything like that. It is just for me and him to continue to establish the marriage we have always wanted. I see the experience as him and I being a team.

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My fear of asking—triumphed and the response I got was he is willing to go as long as it is not just about trying to change him and an intervention, but about me and him. I reiterated it will be about US and we can look into the fine details when I get back.

I am slightly shocked. A true reminder of God’s PERFECT timing!

Round 7 - Day 34 - Love Celebrates Godliness

2012-11-13T05:00:00Z

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Sunday November 11 2012

Round 7 – Day 34 – Love Celebrates Godliness

“Find a specific, recent example when your spouse demonstrated Christian character in a noticeable way. Verbally commend them for this at some point today.”

Cannot believe it is my last day at the retreat. It went by so fast! I woke up reminiscing how insane this past year has been. How many personal “out-of-the-box” experiences have taken place that I can only attest being done by His strength—counseling, Bible Study/small groups, new church, baptism with no one I knew around, giving Celebrate Recovery a try, and now my first retreat. I know He is nowhere near being done with me.

The retreat ended with communion and a time of sharing—voluntarily sharing what we learned in front of the group. At first I did not think I was going to, but then He gave me what He wanted me to share. Typical trying to “talk” myself out of it occurred as my heart was beating out of my chest (intense nerves of speaking in front of a group and fear of sounding stupid). There was a long gap of silence after a few had shared. I finally just made my legs stand and the words started coming out of my mouth. I expressed how I came from out of state (as far as I knew I was the only one) because a friend invited me. I was grateful for feeling so welcomed and related it to the roots of the Redwoods. I learned they only go 4-6 feet deep, but stretch on average a mile long intertwined with surrounding Redwoods’ roots, so they can feed off each other giving one another the necessary nutrients to survive and flourish. We are just like those roots during fellowship with one another and Christ – giving and receiving necessary “nutrients” to flourish in Him and providing strength to stand tall.

They announced the next Reflective Retreat would be held in March and the theme of it would be Jesus Calling. I did not think it could get any more perfect than that – the gift my small group leader surprised me with a few weeks back was the Jesus Calling devotional book on my bucket list. The time frame of it is when my soon-to-be sister-in-law wants to have her Bachelorette/Bridal Shower and in California too! I will definitely be praying on it.

The good-byes were said and back to the real world I went. I met my aunt and uncle at a local coffee shop since I would be staying the rest of the week with them.

The dare came pretty easy to me as evening approached. I thanked my husband for his support of me going to the retreat.

This pretty much sums up my inspirational weekend with Him – “Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10.

Round 7 - Day 33 - Love Completes Each Other

2012-11-13T04:53:53Z

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Saturday November 10 2012

Round 7 – Day 33 – Love Completes Each Other

“Recognize that your spouse is integral to your future success. Let them know today that you desire to include them in your upcoming decisions, and that you need their perspective and counsel. If you have ignored their input in the past, admit your oversight and ask them to forgive you.”

I have obviously expressed my husband’s integral part in our future success in rounds past, but have found other little ways to show my desire for him to be a part of upcoming decisions. A couple of days ago I asked him if he would want to work with me on Christmas presents (the past couple of years have tried finding things to make instead of just buy). He was totally up for it, so we are going to pick something out together to make. Another way was provided for me again to express the same thing…

Part of the sessions today was “Attentiveness in His Creation.” We got to choose from a list of activities, so I chose to go zip lining in the Redwoods. It was BEAUTIFUL and so much fun. I was reminded of when my husband and I both zip lined for the first time a year and a half ago in Jamaica. I knew then how I would complete the dare. Later this evening I expressed to him that I look forward to planning a trip together in the near future.

I was pretty exhausted by the end of the day. Words could not even begin to describe what I took away from an optional talk on “Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life.” This Love Dare journey has been my bridge to the second half and I believe this retreat is my “step off” of the bridge.

Round 7 - Day 32 - The Attentive Life

2012-11-13T04:51:46Z

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Round 7 – Day 32 – The Attentive Life

“If at all possible, try to initiate sex with your spouse today. Do this in a way that honors what your spouse has told you (or implied to you) about what they need from you sexually. Ask God to make this enjoyable for both of you as well as a path to greater intimacy.”

4:00am came rather quickly. My husband is typically not a morning person, so was not sure how he was going to react to the dare this early, but he accepted. It was a special way to part ways.

I had some time before the retreat started, so my friend took me around the city and we ate lunch together. When we got to the camp where the retreat was being held we were welcomed by a small group of others that my friend goes to church with. Observing them and all of the other women waiting to check in I realized right away I was going to be one, if not the youngest, attendee this weekend. I was not nearly as nervous as I thought I was going to be. I was embraced by the women and felt right at home.

The theme of the retreat was the Attentive Life—really being still in His presence. The message He pressed on me hard during our first evening session was “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34.

I went to sleep with such peace and gratitude to be able to be RIGHT HERE with Him.

Round 7 - Day 31 - Love and Marriage

2012-11-13T04:47:44Z

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Thursday November 8 2012

Round 7 – Day 31 – Love and Marriage

“Is there a "leaving" issue you haven't been brave enough to conquer yet? Confess it to your spouse today, and resolve to make it right. The oneness of your marriage is dependent upon it. Follow this with a commitment to your spouse and to God to make your marriage the top priority over every other human relationship.”

There have been a variety of leaving issues addressed throughout this journey. This round I feel it is still “leaving” fear, doubt, and worry and “cleave” to His promises in order to have oneness in my marriage.

Today I felt like a little kid at Christmas since it was my last day of work for the next 10 days and tomorrow I would be stepping foot into my first retreat. Excited for what the Lord has planned for me.

I spent the night with my husband. We crashed pretty early since my flight was first thing in the morning, but it was nice to spend a couple of hours together after I packed.

Round 7 - Day 30 - Love Brings Unity

2012-11-09T02:18:48Z

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Wednesday November 7 2012

Round 7 – Day 30 – Love Brings Unity

“Isolate one area of division in your marriage, and look on today as a fresh opportunity to pray about it. Ask the Lord to reveal anything in your own heart that is threatening oneness with your spouse. Pray that He would do the same for them. And if appropriate, discuss the matter openly.”

This is the first round where I can honestly say the gap is slowly starting to close on our physical, emotional, and financial areas of division. The one that remains at large is our spiritual division in which I will continue to stand in the gap for.

We had Ladies Night at church this evening, so my husband and I did not see each other, but we did have our typical casual chats throughout the day. The Lord revealed through the guest speaker tonight what, at times, I continue to struggle with that threatens oneness with my husband – fear, doubt, and worry. She gave Abraham and Sarah’s story as a prime example of what takes place when such traits have a stronghold on us and we take control of the situation ourselves. I must remain steadfast in His promises for me.

Round 7 - Day 29 - Love's Motivation

2012-11-08T04:52:48Z

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Tuesday November 6 2012

Round 7 – Day 29 – Love’s Motivation

“Before you see your spouse again today, pray for them by name and for their needs. Whether it comes easy for you or not, say “I love you” then express love to them in a tangible way. Go to God in prayer again, thanking Him for giving you the privilege of loving this one special person – unconditionally, the way He loves both of you.

Loved the prayer from one of my Praying Wife books that landed on today’s dare – my husband’s burdens. Pretty dead on to accomplish praying for his needs.

We did not have plans to see each other this evening, but after I stopped by the eye doctor on my way home I asked him if he wanted to come over for homemade lasagna. He was not hungry, but said he would come over anyway. We spent some time in the hot tub having light conversation and then watched this week’s new episode of our show and the election results. It was a nice night with nothing heavy, which I really appreciated after last night.

Round 7 - Day 28 - Love Makes Sacrifices

2012-11-08T04:50:13Z

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Monday November 5 2012

Round 7 – Day 28 – Love Makes Sacrifices

“What is one of the greatest needs in your spouse’s life right now? Is there a need you could lift from their shoulders today by a daring act of sacrifice on your part? Whether the need be big or small, purpose to do what you can to meet the need.”

I thought I had pegged what the sacrifice was going to be to satisfy the dare and even though it was still a topic - the completion of the dare, I believe, ended up being something completely different by night’s end. I am not going to go into detail about it as it is something that is between my husband and I, but I was in a lot of prayer on the way home. I can tell the enemy is working in overdrive right now as the discussions between my husband and I are starting to heat up again based on a lot we are still working through.

There are days I feel my husband and I are going backwards, but I know it is all part of the healing process. I must maintain a stronghold on patience and perseverance still keeping my focus on Him.

Round 7 - Day 27 - Love Encourages

2012-11-08T04:47:01Z

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Sunday November 4 2012

Round 7 – Day 27 – Love Encourages

“Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your home. Think of one area where your spouse has told you you’re expecting too much, and tell them you’re sorry for being so hard on them about it. Promise them you’ll seek to understand and assume of your unconditional love.”

Church started my day. It was a great message on the faith cycle and dreams. I found it to be a perfect fit for our dream of marriage restoration and a personal dream of mine I’ve had for years.

1. It begins with a dream (dreams are seeds that God places in us; they do not come out refined, but rough)

2. We then must make a decision (follow the dream or stay in the boat)

3. You will experience Godly delay (God cares more about building our character than bestowing a blessing on us)

4. You will experience difficulty (critics pop up)

5. You will experience a dead end (when you get to the end of you, you get to the beginning of God—He turns crucifixions into resurrections

6. Deliverance (you stand by faith!)

I think we can all attest to these steps at one point or another as we work our way towards deliverance.

My husband met me at my parents after church. We went to coffee and a couple of stores for him. Then spent the afternoon watching the football game, going in the hot tub, and eating dinner. We talked for hours in the midst of the activities—about finances, boundaries, our future, the issues we still need to work through, etc. What was pressed on my heart for the dare was my expectations of his spending. I let him know I am working on letting go of the control of it—that I need to trust him and his decisions even if I may not be in complete agreement. It felt good to talk through all of these things even if still in disagreement about quite a bit. At this point I am just thankful for the communication.

He surprised me by listing me as his wife on facebook when he got home. More movement forward today…

Round 7 - Day 26 - Love is Responsible

2012-11-08T04:43:36Z

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Saturday November 3 2012

Round 7 – Day 26 – Love is Responsible

Take time to pray through your areas of wrongdoing. Ask for God’s forgiveness, then humble yourself enough to admit them to your spouse. Do it sincerely and truthfully. Ask your spouse for forgiveness as well. No matter how they respond, makes rue you cover your responsibility in love. Even if they respond with criticism, accept it by receiving it as counsel.”

Waking up next to my husband felt so right. I thanked God for His peace after what was felt the last few days. We woke up about the same time to get ready. We had plans to spend the morning together since the afternoon/evening would be spent apart. As the holidays are quickly approaching we talked about him reuniting with my immediate family before Thanksgiving. I threw out maybe having dinner when I get back from California. He seemed okay with it. Then the idea came to mind for him to come over tomorrow to watch the football game. My dad and brother are hunting, so it would just be my mom and I. Told him to think about it. I did not want to pressure him into it.

Thankfully the dare came to me early on as I had prayed on it, so I could accomplish it face-to-face. I expressed my apologies for not realizing how down he was feeling. I had misinterpreted his reactions as frustration and anger. It reminded me of the importance of continuing to bridge the communication gap between us.

We enjoyed our time together running to a couple of stores and getting coffee. We talked and texted throughout the rest of the day and he confirmed he would be coming over tomorrow to watch the game. I talked to my mom about it too and she was completely fine with it as everyone knows the time to reunite has come…Praise God!