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Round 5 – Day 18 – Love Seeks to Understand

 

“Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the two of you.  The dinner can be as nice as you prefer.  Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you've rarely talked about.  Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your mate.”

 

Due to hardly sleeping and up at 200am I opted to stay home from work. I was already pretty emotional from last night, so didn’t think I would be very motivated. I spent the morning catching up on some sleep. Once I woke I did my devotionals and read today’s Love Dare Chapter. Even though I am on round five, I don’t have them memorized, so last night when my dad asked me to come over for dinner tonight I talked to my husband about it and was told that would be fine. It was very odd for him to ask me out of the blue like this, so I knew something was up. I really had to pray on it though throughout the day due to the dare. I felt I was getting the okay and still continued to pray for guidance with the “seeking to understand” piece. What came to me full force was to leave the letter I wrote from last round’s dare 39. I was going to go for a walk, but decided since I had absolutely no energy I would head to Starbucks for a couple of hours. I put the letter on his keyboard.

 

I had about two hours before I was going to head to my parents for dinner, so I spent some time finishing up my Bible Study homework. An hour into it my husband called to let me know he was done with his motorcycle class and just about home. He passed both the written and driving tests for his endorsement. I was happy for him despite still praying for a personal heart change since I know he is excited about this. I asked if he wanted to join me at Starbucks since I still had some time before I was to leave. He agreed. I treated him to a congratulatory coffee and listened to his stories about the class.

 

In the middle of it I got called from my lung specialist giving me an update on what he saw on Monday’s cat scan. Even though there was overall some improvement, he was concerned to still see what he saw due to only being 28 years old, already been on lots of antibiotics, and that it has been going on for so long. Next step is a lung biopsy, so they can find out in a bit more detail exactly what is going on. At this point I am up for anything to feel 100% again.

 

I updated my husband then we parted ways. When I got to my parents I was surprised to see my brother there too. I knew at that point it was going to be some sort of intervention—a very loving one, but one nonetheless.

 

I first updated them on what my doctor had to say then my dad tells me why they asked me over. They are very concerned about my health as it has been a downhill slide for some time now and I just keep going and going with everything at full force. They think it would be best that I stay with them for awhile just until my health gets better. It is nothing against my husband and they still fully support standing for my marriage. They just want me to heal so I can be stronger emotionally. It broke my heart seeing tears in my dad's eyes. I completely understand where they are coming from, but I kindly told them I couldn't give them an answer in that moment.

On the way home I pulled into a park parking lot and cried and prayed. My husband knew something wasn't right when my dad asked me to dinner. I don't know what to do. I have so many different things going through my mind...

I got home and he knew right away something was wrong because my face showed I had been crying. I let him know that my family expressed great concern about my health and asked that I take some time away so I can heal physically to be stronger emotionally. I emphasized it had nothing to do with him personally or them not supporting our marriage—it had everything to do with the stress it has been causing. I asked him what he thought, but he would not tell me. He wanted me to make a decision first then he would. This went in a circle for a little bit and I never got a response. I was honest and told him I was completely torn. My heart breaks seeing my family hurt for me like this, but I also don't want to leave him knowing how much I would miss him and probably hurt him. It is also giving up a sense of control if you will. I have always been in the house. I feel like me being there gives me some control over the situation. Kind of a hard one to explain. This did not come to me till in that moment of talking this out. I think that is part of the fear I have. I told him if I do do this it doesn't mean I am not standing for our marriage, but it is making me feel that I am not being strong enough.

There was a lot of silence. I then asked him to honestly answer me - is there still an option in his mind to end this marriage. He admitted that, yes, he still does have thoughts of leaving.

More silence. During this time I silently prayed over him. I then asked what are his hopes and dreams. He asked, "What do you I mean?" I asked again, "What do you dream about?" He responded, "Short term, a motorcycle." I asked him why he wants to ride a motorcycle. He said he has always been afraid so wants to overcome it. I then asked why he bought the television. He said because he hated the Sharp. It was a piece of crap. I then asked why he bought the new computer. He said he regretted selling his desktop. While the laptop was perfect for when he was at the academy, it sucks playing games on. He then told me he knew where I was going with it - that I think he is going through some midlife crisis and trying to fill a void. I asked if he could afford those things. He told me he is working on paying down his credit card. He expressed he unfortunately screwed up the motorcycle decision since not talking to me about it first. I explained that being married we are one...right now we are separate with everything except being together physically. He agreed.

He then told me that he does not know what his long terms dreams are anymore. It used to be the American Dream - loving marriage and family and a good job. Now he doesn't feel capable of any of that anymore. This drove him into bringing up some stuff from his childhood. I told him he is capable of changing the cycle. He tells me all the time that he does not want to be like his father. I told him he doesn't have to be. I expressed that I have no doubt he will be a good father. I told him he has so much anger and hurt beyond this marriage that he keeps stuffing back in and it keeps coming back up...he keeps stuffing back in and it keeps coming back up. He tells me he doesn't know how to forget it...how to let go. I told him he doesn't talk to anybody. He tells me he does - his best friend. I ask what does his best friend tell him when he talks to him about things. "I don't remember." I told him there is nothing wrong with talking to your best friend, but you've been "talking" to him for 14 years. It isn't helping you. He tells me he knows where I am going with this. I said “No, I am telling you that I think it would really help to talk to a counselor. I see a counselor. There is nothing wrong with it.” He tells me he doesn't want to talk to a complete stranger. I respond that there have been opportunities where it wasn't a complete stranger. There is his work psychologist or even one of his detachment buddies (the one that is married) offered to talk to us awhile back. He tells me he doesn't want a hand out. I tell him he is letting pride and fear put the brakes on letting this go - to feeling better. He denies it. I tell him - I want him so badly to feel better. For him to stop putting the brakes on all of this - to stop stuffing it in, so it can just come back up over and over. He cuts it there and tells me he needs to go to bed. I hold him down tell him to look me in the eyes and say, "I wish you knew you were capable of being loved" and gave him a kiss. With that we went to bed.

My heart breaks. I am so torn with everything. I feel so weak right now. I am just physically and emotionally drained making me feel that much worse that I am not being strong enough for my husband. He feels he doesn't deserve love. I can see he doesn't know how to be loved like this. Besides praying and doing what I have been doing to the best of my ability - I don't know what else to do...