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Round 4 – Day 22 – Love is Faithful

“Love is a choice, not a feeling.  It is an initiated action, not a knee-jerk reaction.  Choose today to be committed to love even if your spouse has lost most of their interest in receiving it.  Say to them today in words similar to there, "I love you.  Period.  I choose to love you even if you don't love me in return."

It was a rough night’s sleep. I had another fever and my cough would not let up. When I woke up it felt as if I never went to bed, but decided not to waste anymore time of my day just laying there. On my way up to take a bath I stopped in my husband’s office to let him know I would be trying to get into the doctors today or tomorrow, so we talked a little about what was going on. I asked him to please say goodbye before he leaves for work in which he said he would.

About 15 minutes later I hear him yelling from the stairs “I’m leaving.” I said, “That’s not saying goodbye.” He responded, “Yes, it is.” So, I said, “Okay, I love you.” Then silence…I have always been a firm believer in a proper goodbye whenever leaving a loved one by saying I love you and giving a hug and/or kiss. I do this every morning when it is me leaving for work even though my husband does not return it.

I was feeling very very discouraged throughout the morning.  I was taking things way too personally. I decided I was going to go for a walk. I have not been able to exercise like I normally would due to whatever has been going on with me health wise, but thought at the very least I can walk. Before leaving I ended up having a complete melt down. I texted my future sis-in-law who thankfully quickly called me back as I was pulling out of the driveway. She is familiar with what has been going on and though we do not talk everyday about it, there have been moments in this journey where I know the Lord has used her words. This moment was no different.

I then went for a long walk. It felt good to be outside, hearing the birds, listening to praise music on my ipod, and talking to Him. It helped me refocus

Now it was time to meet my friend for coffee (the one I’ve talked about before in my entries who had started the Love Dare). It was originally going to be lunch. I had prayed about it because of my financial situation, so this morning she happened to bring up lunch or Starbucks as an option. There was my answer. I had just enough on my Starbucks card for a coffee, so that was the option I chose. I got there pretty early, so I went in and read till she arrived. We talked a lot about my passiveness. She was bold with her words to ensure I understood that I need to be more firm with my husband and instead of asking just do. For example, on his birthday—tell him we are going somewhere rather than asking him if he wants to go because it is always going to be no. Other examples were to kiss on him, hug him, whatever shows him my love in not such a passive way (Libby’s words rung with me here too). I took it all in. Our time ended with Christ providing me with a way to do a little something for my husband on his birthday. I had a hard time excepting it to the point of tears. Lately, He’s randomly been providing for me in my time of need. I struggle with feeling guilty because I am not used to being in such a vulnerable position.

Once I got home I had a few hours before my husband would be off work, so I decided to take a nap. Before doing so I checked our joint account online to see if my husband had stopped by the bank yet. Nope, so I prayed about reminding him again and got a yes. I sent him a quick text saying, “Friendly reminder to please stop by the bank.” It didn’t take me long to fall asleep, but was awaken shortly after with a text message back asking how much is he to put in the account. I responded back with what I put in, which is the amount we would both do before our separation that would cover our house payment, groceries, and bills. He responded that he could not do that much. He was only able to do half of it, which was just enough to cover the rest of the house payment so the check wouldn’t bounce, but will cause us to be charged a fee for going under the minimum amount in our checking. My response, “You can only do what you can, I guess. We just won’t have enough for groceries or anything till next pay day.” I know I shouldn’t have responded like that. I got frustrated again because his spending habits were rolling through my head (tv, computer, eating out every day). He called me right after I sent it. I got a colorful earful because of him having to pay the cancelation fee for his townhouse. I just let him spit at the mouth and then hung up on me. I prayed for forgiveness regarding the text and fell back to sleep.

I woke up with just enough time to get dinner started before he would be home. I started thinking about my words to complete today’s dare in addition to apologizing for the text message. I reminded myself that He is my provider not my husband. He has carried me through financially since our separation on a much lower income than him. The one thing I will not allow myself to sacrifice is my tithe—it is my reminder that it is His money. All of this is His. It calmed me down. I was ready to show my husband His unconditional love. I wasn’t “feeling” for my husband a couple of weeks ago due to the disconnect and was working on leading my heart. Christ changed so much in me this last week where all I want is sooo badly for my husband to want me. I have passion for him again. All I think about is us being together. That is part of what I really wanted to convey to my husband this evening. I will be seeking the cracked door.

I had dinner just about done when he walked in. I said hi as he went straight upstairs. I prepared our plates and decided to take it up to his office tonight. When I walked in he smiled and said he would come downstairs to eat. I took it back downstairs and waited till he got changed and came down. It was quiet, so I started asking questions about his day. I got very short responses. I then thanked him for going to the bank and apologized for my text message. He looked at me in silence. Once done eating I started cleaning up the kitchen while he went right back upstairs. When I was done I prayed for His guidance and knew it was time to complete the dare.

I went into his office, turned his chair towards me, and sat in his lap. I asked him to look at me. I looked straight into his eyes and said, “You need to know you are worth it to me. I choose to love you everyday no matter what—video games and all. I know I have been expressing frustration lately. It is because I really just want to spend time with you." I tried to go in for a kiss, but he put his head down, so I kissed him on the forehead and told him I love him. I asked if he wanted to go take Chelsea to the park. He said no. I told him he looks so sad and asked what was wrong. He said he is just dealing with a lot. I then laid my head on his chest till he said “excuse me” to get up and pick up stuff around his office until I left. Then I heard him sit right back down.

I went to the mailbox to get the mail. I’ve been waiting for a book titled, “Standing After the Prodigal Returns” and thank God it was here. I decided to take a bath and jump right into the book. Talk about eye opening! This is EXACTLY what I needed for where I am at in this journey. Understanding my husband’s perspective is important. Understanding that the enemy will use everything in his power to destroy my marriage is vital especially now that my husband is home. Satan is working in overdrive. Hence why it is so imperative l I am to let EVERYTHING go and let God. The book affirms this is a lot easier during a separation. The fight really begins when the spouse returns.

Before I got out of the bath my husband left to go to his best friends to work on his computer. I used the rest of the night to finish the short book. It came in a pack of three, so I will be working on the others within the next couple of days. I am ready to soak it all in.

My physical state has really been kicking my butt, which I can see has been having an effect on me emotionally. Today was a prime example, but I am trying. I really really am.