Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE

Round 4 – Day 17 – Love Promotes Intimacy

“Determine to guard your mate's secretes (unless they are dangerous to them or you) and to pray for them.  Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues.  Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you.  Make them feel safe.”

“Feeling safe” can be defined as your spouse not feeling as though they have to walk on eggshells while in their own home. For there to be trust. My husband and I expressed at our last counseling session that we both are working on gaining back trust in each other—a trust that allows for our hearts to open up to one another without fear of being hurt again. I know we are a long way from that “safety” as I still feel I have to hide my emotions and he just doesn’t say anything unless I happen to give a vibe that something is wrong. There are a couple of reasons that I feel I have to “hide.” One is that I do not want my husband to see me depressed/frustrated. That is not showing him His love and when how I am feeling does come out, it turns into an argument because his anger resurfaces. I am aware this is not putting my complete dependency on Christ. Every day I seek His guidance with words, so the fear will subside in showing my emotion because I have the confidence to speak words of love. Words of love are not always warm and fuzzy, but saying them with a soft tongue can still show it unlike a sharp one. With all that being side, this dare is definitely still a work in progress especially as my day went on…

I had a lot of time to myself this morning. Since I had a post-op doctor’s appointment I spent a couple hours working from home. While getting ready and answering emails my mind wondered a lot. The negative thought seeped in every now and again, but what the focus mainly was on were the good memories my husband and I have experienced. They often get overshadowed by the turmoil that has taken place, but I know they did exist. These memories give me mixed feelings. They warm my heart because I feel the closeness we once had. However, they also bring about feelings of sadness because I so badly want to have those memories again, but they seem so far off.

My husband woke up a little bit before I had to leave, so we had some small chat. It was a gorgeous day out, so he made mention of mowing the lawn and taking our dog to the park. I thought those are both great ideas since our June has been deemed Juneuary, we have to take advantage of these nice days.

 I got to my doctor’s appointment a little early, so I read some more of Power of a Praying Wife and then felt compelled to ask my husband if he would want to take our dog to the park after I got home, so we could spend some time together. He asked what time I got home. I told him normal time (about 530pm). He told me because that is the hottest part of the day that he is going to go earlier. I just responded with okay.

My doctor’s appointment was nothing what I expected. I thought he was just going to shine a light up my nose to see how my sinuses were looking. That was definitely not the case. He hands me tissue. I was like, “I take it I am going to need this?” Mmmhhmmm. He proceeds to then shove gauze up my nose, a sucking machine, tweezers, and finally some medicine. Tears streaming down my face because of how awkward it all felt and very similar pain feelings I had the day of my surgery. Besides some irritation on one side, what he pulled and sucked out was all normal. Well, at this point he “sucked” out all desire to go to work. Unfortunately, I can’t take any more time off right now, so to the office I headed.

I appreciated at least half my day was already over, so it went pretty quick. Late afternoon I received a text from my husband about another positive turn in this case he has been working on at work. I responded to him with, “nice job babe!” This particular case has turned his attitude around about work, so I am happy for him. On my way home I thought again about asking him to go on a walk. I wasn’t feeling a 100% great, but figured I could muster up some energy to at least do that to enjoy the nice weather we got and spend some time with him.  

When I got home I walked upstairs to change. I first stopped by his office to say hi. Unfortunately, that is not what came out of my mouth. After I did a double take I started laughing. I seriously could not believe what I was seeing—the 42in tv he bought while we were separated was no longer in our bonus area, but sitting on his desk with his video game plastered on it. In the midst of my laughing he told me he is not going to keep it like this. I was thinking, how can you…you are going to go blind! Once I stopped laughing I sat down. I asked if he had dinner yet. He told me no, he is just going to have a peanut butter sandwich since he was planning on going for a bike ride. I then asked if he took Chelsea to the park. He said no because his stomach wasn’t feeling all that great. I asked what he ate. His response was that he doesn’t know. This translates to, “junk.” It isn’t hard to miss. His garbage is full of candy wrappers and every time I throw something away in our big garbage I see fast food bags. This is why he typically is not hungry whenever I get home from work. By this point, I lost all desire to ask him to go on a walk. Intense frustration was rising. All of a sudden I got the chills. I literally started shivering in his 70 degree office. I did not say anything. I decided to take a bath. It is my place of serenity where I can just let go and I did…anger, sadness, hurt, exhaustion…typical questions/thoughts  cried out to God. What the heck am I doing wrong? Why did he even move back in? I am really starting to not like coming home anymore. What can I be doing differently?

Once done I got in my pjs and bundled up on the couch. I was freezing and my appetite had completely diminished. My husband got his bike ready to go then came back inside real quick to eat his peanut butter sandwich. He asked me a couple questions about how I was feeling because he knew about my doctor’s appointment. I responded with very short answers. I had so many things going through my mind, but He held my tongue for me.

I prayed lots more as I laid there with massive body aches, a chest on fire, a burning nose, and an intense headache. I felt like death. I ended up having a 101 temp. All I wanted to do was fall asleep and wake up with all of this over with. Unfortunately, didn’t happen. Two hours went by and I got a text from my husband letting me know he was done and how he did. I responded with, good job. He then asked if I wanted Dairy Queen. I declined. I finally fell asleep about an hour later.

I firmly believe I have been chosen for this journey for my husband’s salvation. From the outside it may appear it is never going to happen, but my hope remains in Him. However, patience, humility, compassion, love, selflessness… are really trying me right now.