4 – Day 17 – Love Promotes Intimacy
“Determine to guard your mate's secretes
(unless they are dangerous to them or you) and to pray for them. Talk
with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these
issues. Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and
struggles with you. Make them feel safe.”
safe” can be defined as your spouse not feeling as though they have to walk on
eggshells while in their own home. For there to be trust. My husband and I
expressed at our last counseling session that we both are working on gaining
back trust in each other—a trust that allows for our hearts to open up to one
another without fear of being hurt again. I know we are a long way from that “safety”
as I still feel I have to hide my emotions and he just doesn’t say anything
unless I happen to give a vibe that something is wrong. There are a couple of
reasons that I feel I have to “hide.” One is that I do not want my husband to
see me depressed/frustrated. That is not showing him His love and when how I am
feeling does come out, it turns into an argument because his anger resurfaces.
I am aware this is not putting my complete dependency on Christ. Every day I
seek His guidance with words, so the fear will subside in showing my emotion
because I have the confidence to speak words of love. Words of love are not
always warm and fuzzy, but saying them with a soft tongue can still show it
unlike a sharp one. With all that being side, this dare is definitely still a
work in progress especially as my day went on…
had a lot of time to myself this morning. Since I had a post-op doctor’s
appointment I spent a couple hours working from home. While getting ready and
answering emails my mind wondered a lot. The negative thought seeped in every
now and again, but what the focus mainly was on were the good memories my
husband and I have experienced. They often get overshadowed by the turmoil that
has taken place, but I know they did exist. These memories give me mixed
feelings. They warm my heart because I feel the closeness we once had. However,
they also bring about feelings of sadness because I so badly want to have those
memories again, but they seem so far off.
husband woke up a little bit before I had to leave, so we had some small chat.
It was a gorgeous day out, so he made mention of mowing the lawn and taking our
dog to the park. I thought those are both great ideas since our June has been
deemed Juneuary, we have to take advantage of these nice days.
I got to my doctor’s appointment a little
early, so I read some more of Power of a Praying Wife and then felt compelled
to ask my husband if he would want to take our dog to the park after I got
home, so we could spend some time together. He asked what time I got home. I
told him normal time (about 530pm). He told me because that is the hottest part
of the day that he is going to go earlier. I just responded with okay.
doctor’s appointment was nothing what I expected. I thought he was just going
to shine a light up my nose to see how my sinuses were looking. That was definitely
not the case. He hands me tissue. I was like, “I take it I am going to need
this?” Mmmhhmmm. He proceeds to then shove gauze up my nose, a sucking machine,
tweezers, and finally some medicine. Tears streaming down my face because of
how awkward it all felt and very similar pain feelings I had the day of my
surgery. Besides some irritation on one side, what he pulled and sucked out was
all normal. Well, at this point he “sucked” out all desire to go to work.
Unfortunately, I can’t take any more time off right now, so to the office I
appreciated at least half my day was already over, so it went pretty quick. Late
afternoon I received a text from my husband about another positive turn in this
case he has been working on at work. I responded to him with, “nice job babe!” This
particular case has turned his attitude around about work, so I am happy for
him. On my way home I thought again about asking him to go on a walk. I wasn’t
feeling a 100% great, but figured I could muster up some energy to at least do
that to enjoy the nice weather we got and spend some time with him.
I got home I walked upstairs to change. I first stopped by his office to say
hi. Unfortunately, that is not what came out of my mouth. After I did a double
take I started laughing. I seriously could not believe what I was seeing—the
42in tv he bought while we were separated was no longer in our bonus area, but
sitting on his desk with his video game plastered on it. In the midst of my
laughing he told me he is not going to keep it like this. I was thinking, how
can you…you are going to go blind! Once I stopped laughing I sat down. I asked
if he had dinner yet. He told me no, he is just going to have a peanut butter
sandwich since he was planning on going for a bike ride. I then asked if he took
Chelsea to the park. He said no because his stomach wasn’t feeling all that
great. I asked what he ate. His response was that he doesn’t know. This
translates to, “junk.” It isn’t hard to miss. His garbage is full of candy
wrappers and every time I throw something away in our big garbage I see fast
food bags. This is why he typically is not hungry whenever I get home from
work. By this point, I lost all desire to ask him to go on a walk. Intense
frustration was rising. All of a sudden I got the chills. I literally started
shivering in his 70 degree office. I did not say anything. I decided to take a
bath. It is my place of serenity where I can just let go and I did…anger,
sadness, hurt, exhaustion…typical questions/thoughts cried out to God. What
the heck am I doing wrong? Why did he even move back in? I am really starting
to not like coming home anymore. What can I be doing differently?
done I got in my pjs and bundled up on the couch. I was freezing and my
appetite had completely diminished. My husband got his bike ready to go then
came back inside real quick to eat his peanut butter sandwich. He asked me a couple
questions about how I was feeling because he knew about my doctor’s
appointment. I responded with very short answers. I had so many things going
through my mind, but He held my tongue for me.
prayed lots more as I laid there with massive body aches, a chest on fire, a burning
nose, and an intense headache. I felt like death. I ended up having a 101 temp.
All I wanted to do was fall asleep and wake up with all of this over with.
Unfortunately, didn’t happen. Two hours went by and I got a text from my
husband letting me know he was done and how he did. I responded with, good job.
He then asked if I wanted Dairy Queen. I declined. I finally fell asleep about
an hour later.
firmly believe I have been chosen for this journey for my husband’s salvation.
From the outside it may appear it is never going to happen, but my hope remains
in Him. However, patience, humility, compassion, love, selflessness… are really trying me
Father, we ask you this day to heal precious Gem's physical pain and to fill her spiritual voids with your peace, patience, love, wisdom, and knowledge, Give her endurance and provide her with a tug when prayer is of the essence. In Jesus Christ's name we pray. Amen.
GEm can do all things through Him that strengthens her...PHIL 4 :) That was my baby girl's verse of choice last night. Her gift to you today, sweet Gem. You are loved.
It will happen....walk in faith.
Persevere. He will give you more than you have imagined.
You need to pray for the wisdom in knowing what oneness really is. And you need to think about it. Hard. Because when you hold back how you feel, and at times hold back your concerns you are preventing the ability to be one. Not only with your husband but with Christ.
I understand there are times you hold back your tongue and that is fine, but there are more times than not it is important to express things to become open.
All things are possible with God! Nothing is too big or great for God to handle. What an incredible statement about you being chosen for this journey for your husbands salvation! Praise God you completed the dare. I pray God continues to heal your heart and your husbands heart. Ask the holy spirit to give you whatever fruit you need at the moment. Peace. Self control. Etc. Be Still! He will do it!