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Round 4 – Day 8 – Love is not Jealous

 

“Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy.  To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it.  Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.”

 

Sweat and a racing heart woke me up at 200 this morning. I just had a horrible dream about my husband and the OW. I immediately went to prayer for the heartache that was piercing through. My husband wasn’t in bed yet, so my mind went all sorts of places. I thankfully fell back asleep pretty easily and woke again a few hours later with an even more horrific dream about my husband and the OW. I’ve expressed feeling numb lately. It is a shell around my heart that allows me to not feel intense emotion as I normally would, but the hurt was still able to crack that shell as I recalled what I had just dreamt. Rather than lay there and think about it even more I prayed some more then exercised. This was not exactly how I wanted to start my week off…

 

On my way to work I prayed about the dare. I had no idea of a recent success since everything in my husband’s eyes seems to be going against him.

 

I was decently busy at work, which I was grateful for to keep my mind from rolling. Late afternoon I went to my car to take a break. I read today’s Love Dare chapter again and prayed for more guidance, wisdom, and peace for counseling this evening. As I was sitting there staring out the window at the sky I get a text message from my husband. Totally not what I expected—“I have a question to ask that I have not asked yet, did you take your wedding ring off when you were with the OM?” I responded, “No, I have never taken my ring off.” His next question, “Did he keep his on?” I replied, “Yes, he did.” And his final comment, “Wow, that’s a little messed up.” I did not respond. I have no clue where that came from except that he is still on this crazy roller coaster ride. Yesterday he was depressed and now we are back to anger.

 

On my way home from work I prayed some more. I did not want to think the worst going into this counseling session. It was apparent my husband was going to have some anger and I was bound not to hop on that ride. I was also not going to just sit there and let him bash me like what took place at our first counseling session before the separation. There is a balance that I was praying for the strength to have.

 

I had enough time to change when I got home then headed straight to the counselor’s. On the way there I tried making conversation the best I could. I asked about work, thinking there might be an opportunity to complete the dare, but there wasn’t. I asked how his day went. Not much to report there either. It then turned into silence till we got into the counselor’s office.

 

In a nutshell, we went over past, present, and possible future. The counselor was shocked when my husband told him he was so adamant about a divorce, but I was on the other end saying I was standing for the marriage to the point of completing projects around the house as if we are going to keep it and will be moving forward together in it. I explained that we are at very different places on this road to healing. My husband is still dealing with hurt and anger, but by faith I was able to work through a lot of it during the separation. He first asked what we liked about each other. Praise God – I’ve had four rounds of writing a positive characteristic list—the last one being yesterday’s dare, so I started listing them off one after the other. And then it was my husband’s turn. How many did he come up with? Two! I am crazy organized and I am very focused, so I put a lot of heart in what I do. His example was planning really good parties. I almost laughed. Evidence of just how far apart we are on this journey right now. The conversation transitioned into the issues of our marriage. What got us to this point? I knew going in I probably wouldn’t hear anything any different than what I already had, but had some hope that maybe since we are talking about it in front of someone that there would be some responsibility taken. Nope. After it came out about my wrongdoings I was asked why. I had no qualm saying it was my own selfishness. My heart was hardened from not dealing with my frustrations and emotions head on, so unfortunately let it go to someone else. It eventually took a dive right into because of Jenn this and that…this and that. I already told myself this morning I personally was not going to play the blame game, but I drew the line when it got to the affair. Once he was finished I calmly explained he only knew about the emotional affair when he slept with his coworker. I then was going into how the rest of it was disclosed, but was interrupted left and right. I was then questioned by the counselor why I even disclosed everything. Why not just leave it at the emotional affair? I already cut ties. The hurt already took place. I was thinking, are you kidding? I bluntly said, in order for us to heal and build our marriage on a solid foundation moving forward, there needs to be nothing, but honesty. My husband then proceeds to say he doesn’t believe that I have disclosed everything and that the only reason I even disclosed anything in the first place was because he admitted about his affair. I know deep down he doesn’t believe that—he has even said otherwise in past conversations. He was just so dang angry, he had to justify everything.

 

At the end the counselor asked what needs to happen for us to start moving forward as it is very apparent there are still a lot of issues going on. My husband admitted to being distant. We talked about his video game playing. I explained that I understood it is his way of withdrawing from the real world in which my husband agreed, however I feel as though I am competing with them daily. My husband could not answer what I could be doing differently right now, so the counselor asked him to do some soul searching because I should know if there is anything. I told him for me, I would appreciate if he would at least try to truly cut ties with the OW by at the very least asking for a detachment switch. My selfish flesh surfaced in that moment, but I want to be as honest as possible through this process. As we walked out I felt insanely different than how I felt walking out of counseling before our separation. We only went twice back in January and I had never felt so horrible about myself than when I walked out of that counselor’s office. This evening, I felt strength. It was only by HIM was I able to keep my composure and stay calm as my husband’s anger showed its ugly face.

 

On the way home I thanked him for going. In that moment I realized—dare done. I know that was not easy for him. He did not want to go and very well could have said he wasn’t going to when I got home. I almost thought he was going to back out based on the text messages this afternoon. As much as I would love for this to be a quick-fix, I know it isn’t going to be. It gets to be emotionally exhausting, so I pray for continued patience, strength, and peace.

 

Time to now bury my head into the special gift I received today—The Power of a Praying Wife. Thank you Sparkle!

 

I leave you with 2 Corinthians 5. My future sis-in-law was led to share it with me this evening, so I am now passing it along to you—

Awaiting the New Body

5 For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. ² Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, ³ because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. ⁴ For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. ⁵ Now the one who has fashioned us for this very purpose is God, who has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

⁶ Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. ⁷ For we live by faith, not by sight. ⁸ We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. ⁹ So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. ¹⁰ For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.

The Ministry of Reconciliation

¹¹ Since, then, we know what it is to fear the Lord, we try to persuade others. What we are is plain to God, and I hope it is also plain to your conscience. ¹² We are not trying to commend ourselves to you again, but are giving you an opportunity to take pride in us, so that you can answer those who take pride in what is seen rather than in what is in the heart. ¹³ If we are “out of our mind,” as some say, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. ¹⁴ For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. ¹⁵ And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.

¹⁶ So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. ¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:^[a] The old has gone, the new is here! ¹⁸ All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: ¹⁹ that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. ²⁰ We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. ²¹ God made him who had no sin to be sin^[b] for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.