Day 102—Love is always Faithful

Love is a choice, not a feeling.  It is an initiated action, not a knee-jerk reaction.  Choose today to be committed to love even if your spouse has lost most of their interest in receiving it.  Say to them today in words similar to there, "I love you.  Period.  I choose to love you even if you don't love me in return."

Given the very positive communication I have been having with my husband these last two days this dare was really easy to complete. The door opened pretty naturally for it during a phone conversation we had…I realized later on that that was not when He was opening the door for it.

Every time I talk to him I am bracing myself for the next 180 degree turn. I know I cannot be doing that—it is not putting every bit of my trust in Christ. Every day He provides moments where I am reminded I need to lean on Him. It certainly went there tonight…again.

We talked a lot through text this morning and for a little bit on the phone this evening. Nothing heavy—just small talk and flirtation. After that it was more talk through text when the conversation went to the next level. It started with me telling him that I really love this side of him—sexy, positive talk, showing signs of hope. His response was that this is probably the most he has ever wanted me in a very long time and that he will continue to move forward in the best way he knows how. I asked him if it was just sexually. Then here we go—

His response—I do believe that you are and will be a positive part of my life. No it’s not about that at all. Understand me clearly it has never been about that. You were the one I chose to marry. You are the one I want a family with... You always have been, but this is your last chance. If you hurt me again I am gone forever. Do not take me lightly nor I will you. I will treat you like I should have always treated you—like my best friend, my lover, and the one sole person I will give my life to.

Me—Ditto...we still have a lot of work to do...you ready for it?

Husband—I am ready to let it happen and trust that it will despite what my inner thoughts might have me believe

Me—It is those inner thoughts you've got to fight against.

Husband—I agree and all I can do is to be better than I was the day before. Anymore questions of doubt? I hope not.

Me—no not doubt...just that we depend on different sources to gain strength

Husband—Is that going to be a problem for you?

Me—no I know I will have strength for each day and whatever comes my way

Husband—You’re making it singular not plural. We have gone on so long as [husband] and Jenn then the marriage. It should be the marriage then [husband] and Jenn if that makes sense. No more on our own.

Me—I agree with you wholeheartedly regarding our oneness. To clarify a bit more what I meant - my strength and comfort comes from God, which I know you know. It is what keeps me level rather than the rollercoaster you have been experiencing with your thoughts and emotions. Not to say I never was there cuz you know I was. So when I say He gives me strength every day...it is referring to when you are fighting the mind battles. I will still be there for you standing for us.

Husband—I appreciate you standing by me no matter what. That is something I have always wanted with us. I would feel the rollercoaster of mind battles with or without god.

Me—Mind me asking how you know you will feel the rollercoaster of mind battles with or without Him?

Husband—Because do you think this is my first battle? Do you think I have tried believing before because I have.

Me—I know you have and so had I, but realized I hadn't truly abandoned myself to Christ. I still held on to control (or tried to) of everything - my thoughts, grand plans in life, my relationships, work, even my relationship with Christ. I thought I had it all figured out. Nope...was completely DEAD wrong.

Husband—It sounds like my beliefs are going to be a problem with you. You told me you wouldn't push me when it come to your beliefs I do not share with you that god does not exist nor does he care

Me—Babe, I am not pushing you. I am sorry if you feel that is pushing. I was explaining why I do not have the rollercoaster with Christ.

Husband—Stop trying to change me I would rather be a good person without the hypocritical BS... Look at [OM]. He was supposedly a Christ centered man and you looked up to him for that. I want to be 100% opposite from him. We're different people. You cannot compare my life to yours. My beliefs are based on a life time of my life experience. No one but me has lived that life. I understand what you’re saying about the roller coaster and how you found help, but you fail to understand I don't believe it. Unless you’re saying that God wrote in your book of life that you are going to cheat on your husband to be a better Christ centered person is really messed up. Here comes the free choice speech

[I am very aware of how cautious I need to be with my words and believe Christ knows that about my husband, so I left it simple with my next response…]

Me—I am not trying to change you, please understand that. I KNOW I cannot change you.

Husband—Can you accept me for who I am and what I believe?

Me—If I didn't accept you, would I be fighting for you? I love you period! I choose to love you for who you are.

[Bam—there was the door in God’s timing]

Husband—Which you would be lying if you said it didn't matter to you and that you didn't want me to change

Me—Yes, your beliefs/non beliefs do matter to me...that is part of the oneness of marriage, however, that does not change my love for you.

Husband—I have always been attracted to you. Not lust. I have been waiting for you to love me the way you are claiming to love me. Now I will wait and see and be optimistic in that. I want to experience everything with you without holding anything back

Me—I have wanted to show you this love soo badly for some time now. Remember my eyes have been opened quite a bit about a lot…      

Husband—What do you mean?

Me—Every one of my weaknesses, how to truly love unconditionally, how to forgive, importance of oneness

Husband—I will love you unconditionally. I have faith in us

Me—Honey, unconditional means forgiving, letting go of the past (I am not saying forget what it taught us), without a doubt through better or worse, sickness and health, richer or poor...

[I did not feel compelled to insert, “it only comes from Christ” even though I was certainly thinking it.]

Husband—I agree I'm slowly letting go and am trying to forgive. I know it might not seem that way at times but I am.

During conversations like this I am slow to respond, so I ensure I am speaking what the Holy Spirit wants me to. This is a man whose heart is still very hardened towards Him, so I tread lightly. I take joy in being able to open up to him like this and vice versa. He is a heck of a lot more receptive than he has been in the past. I see Christ chiseling away at him and still molding me. I still firmly believe my husband will one day be saved. It is the piece required to experience the oneness in marriage Christ created.