Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4

Day 90—Love is always Unconditional

“Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse - something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else.  Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage.”

I did not sleep all that well last night. Have a lot on my mind that I have been praying hard about. Thankfully I had counseling first thing to kick start my day off right. After going through my last two weeks’ entries, my counselor shed light on a few things. I always take what he says to heart. I truly believe the Holy Spirit is often times speaking through him and this was definitely one of those moments especially what took place afterwards. With regards to my husband’s roller coaster ride of contact/spending time together to putting a halt to all contact – he said it is like the devil on one of his shoulders and Christ on the other. He has hope for our marriage then gets discouraged and halts all contact. He told me when the opportunity arises for me to mention that to my husband and ask if he sees that and ask what makes him discouraged. Next on the list was me not fully disclosing my hurt about his affair. Yes, my husband knows it hurt me deeply, but he does not know the full extent of it. In order for me to completely heal, I need to be open to him about it. I am hesitant to bring anything up about it because I  don’t want to keep opening the wound, but I understand where he is coming from. And finally, if my husband is going to move back in, we need to be able to have consistent conversations that end in peace not him running away or going silent. I think it can get emotionally tough now— it would be even tougher if I was getting that complete withdrawal while living together. He highly recommends we see a counselor before we take that step. I am in complete agreement and will have to go to lots of prayer about it because I know my husband’s stance on seeing a counselor—nada! I felt really hopeful when my session ended. I felt armed again. It is no secret from my writings the past few days that I have been struggling. As I walked to my car I felt Christ’s stronghold on me. Little did I know I was really going to need it in oh…10 minutes.

In the midst of counseling  I had gotten a text from my husband. All it said was, “morning.” When I got to my car I prayed about contacting him and got the okay. I replied back, “Good morning, happy sunny Friday!” His response, “Good morning, happy Monday.” I thought, thanks for reminding me that you are going back to work tonight…with the OW. I know he didn’t mean that, but I was dealing with anxiety about it. About ten minutes later he called. Started off with the typical ‘how are yous’ and then slowly went into yet another very emotional heavy conversation. Typical venom—I am making no effort, I have no right to hurt about his affair, I caused all of this, how have I changed…etc…etc…everything we’ve already hashed time and time again.

Throughout the venom some way God opened the doors for me to touch on everything my counselor and I had just talked about. I started with his hope for our marriage then getting discouraged causing all contact to halt. I asked him if he sees that. He said yes. I then asked what is causing the discouragement. He told me it is him putting up walls to protect him because he does not want to get hurt again. I told him he is letting fear take hold of him. He said it is not fear. He is not scared. I asked him isn’t putting up walls you being afraid? He said no. I asked how it was not. His response was that it is simply him protecting himself. [Sorry, but I still think it is fear no matter which way you cut that.] He said every time he gets discouraged he gets depressed—that he just sits at home alone thinking about everything I did causing more anger. I asked him point blank if he wants our marriage to heal. He said yes, so I told him building those walls up is putting a standstill to our marriage reconciling. Every time it is taking us right back to ‘start’…again. In order for us to move forward he has to make a choice to work through the walls and allow me to help in order for us to build the trust that has been lost. He has to make a choice to let go of the anger and control. Again, he tells me he doesn’t know how. He is not a person that can just forget about the past and bury his head in the sand. I told him that is NOT what I have done. I have not forgotten about the past. I don’t want to forget about the past—it reminds me of where I do not want to go, but I do not focus on it. Focusing on it will not allow movement forward. I have not buried my head in the sand either. I told him “I am well aware of everything I have done to hurt you…where I have faulted as a wife.” I also had my own anger and hurt that I have dealt with. I made a choice to let the anger go…to let go of control. That comment lead into what could I possibly be angry and hurt about. Those are words that tend to escalate my emotions and I have to work hard to rein them in, so I do not let them get the best of me. I used that opportunity to open up about my hurt whether he cared to hear it or not. I told him sleeping with another woman deeply hurt me even if it was payback for my own wrongdoings. I said, “It was an affair whether you thought you were done with us in your mind or not. I am still dealing with it. When we are intimate, I have flashes of you and her. I don’t want to go to your place because I think about you and her. I am having anxiety about you going back to work because you will be working with her.” He is still not very responsive to any of it like I would hope, but at least I was able to express all of it. Some of it was repeat and some was what I had been holding on to. I know my only comfort is Christ. I am constantly in prayer when I have any thoughts of him and her, but like my counselor said, my husband needs to be aware what is on my heart too about the situation.

Finally, we talked about living arrangements. I mentioned him telling me so badly that he wants to move back in, but yet he makes every excuse not to call the realtor to ask about options. I told him if he still needs space, then that is okay, but he cannot move back in if he is just going to “run” every time he is feeling discouraged or we have a disagreement. He agreed.

The conversation ended with, again, how I am here for him, but there is nothing else I can say or do that is going to fix what he is dealing with. He keeps asking me how I have changed and how I am not having the reaction he is. With no hesitation, I tell him again I let it all go to Christ. He tells me it is just my walk with Christ that has changed. I used that to explain that there is no way for my walk with Christ to change WITHOUT change in every other aspect of my life—not just our marriage, but with other relationships like with my parents, at work—every aspect. I told him that letter I wrote was not just words on a piece of paper. They came from my heart. I said, “You want to know how much I care—that expressed exactly how much I care, how much I want us to work, how much I love you—unconditionally.”

He ended the conversation abruptly since he apparently was at a place to get his haircut. Not sure there was much else to say anyway. After conversations like these I often feel like I am not doing enough. This was no different. Knowing that he is still holding onto such anger is frustrating. He unfortunately is still not taking responsibility for anything and continue to place all blame on me. I had thought we gotten past that, but evidently not. I went to prayer immediately after he hung up—for strength and comfort, and for my husband’s heart to still soften. I then asked if somehow I completed the dare in the conversation. He said no, so I asked for a door to do so and that I may see it open.

I then went to get my nails done with my mom. As I was getting a pedicure the thought came to my mind—pick up some smoothies at Jamba Juice and surprise my husband with them at HIS place. I assured this was not my way of completing the dare, but God’s. I asked a few times more before I headed to Jamba Juice because of how uncomfortable I was about going to his place. He told me yes every time, so on my way I went. I prayed for strength and comfort over and over again as my heart was beating out of my chest. I had not been over there since I had found the OW’s body wash confirming she had been staying there. When I pulled in I could tell he wasn’t there because his truck was gone. I knew God didn’t want me to leave…not after all that, so I was just about to see where he was at when I noticed him pull up behind me. I was greeted with a big smile. He had just got done grocery shopping. I helped him put his groceries away then we sat on the couch and started a movie and got cozy. He didn’t have a whole lot of time since he had to get ready for work. I was all smiles by this point and told him, “You know how much I love you right?” His response was, “Yes, most of the time.” I just responded back, “I love you more than you know.” He didn’t say anything and just looked at me and started kissing me.

As he got ready for work reality really started setting in. I knew him going back to work was obviously going to come at some point. There have been a lot of ups and downs this last month, but one consistent is that I had no worries about him and the OW since he was on ‘vacation.’ I now had to accept him being around her…for now anyway. I prayed silently and was fighting the tears. My goodbye and love you were soft as I was trying not to crack. Thankfully it worked till I got into my car then let the tears flow. I knew then I had completed the dare…in God’s way…not mine. It was not easy being at his place, which I am pretty sure my husband knew based on our earlier conversation and he definitely knows it is not easy knowing he is back to work with her. God directed—I followed—unconditional love for my husband was shown in action.