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Day 65—Love still Forgives

“Whatever you haven't forgiven in your mate, forgive it today.  Let it go.  Just as we ask Jesus to "forgive us our debts" each day, we must ask Him to help us "forgive our debtors" each day as well.  Unforgiveness has been keeping you and your spouse in prison too long.  Say from your heart, "I choose to forgive."

This chapter rolls around again at such a pivotal time in my journey. First round it was close thereafter my husband confessed to his affair and the day before I confessed my own wrong doings. This round it is in the midst of my husband and I reconciling. I still have complete forgiveness for my husband, however, it is his support system and the OW I am still struggling with (typical right?). In one of our conversations last week, I was able to express this to him. Now I just pray about it daily. I am grappling with the fact only one person—his brother—ever told him to FIGHT for our marriage. My support system—though there was doubt (understandably so) from many—they still supported me and told me to not give up. We all come from different backgrounds/families/etc, but we all have to remember that Christ paid the ultimate price for our sins—death and He forgives endlessly with open arms when we repent. Our forgiveness, anger, and bitterness make prisoners of ourselves. Our freedom is dependent on our forgiveness—if that is not convincing I don’t know what is, so I continue to pray for my heart to soften for each one of those individuals that I will at some point be reunited with myself.

My pastor said something at church yesterday that really grabbed my attention—“Satan gives destruction in our lives and God gives good. The casting vote is ours.” So how do we know when Satan is succeeding? How do we know if he succeeds in our own lives? Cindy Beall, an author of a book I recently just finished, described it perfectly—“The day we live in fear and allow our minds and hearts to worry about situations that may never occur is a day he is winning. These moments of fret and hopelessness are a complete waste of our precious time and our precious lives and marriages. God gives restoration, so we needn’t look beyond God for our truth and courage!”

I’ve expressed before, I’ve learned not to have expectations on this journey, so made sure to tell myself I am not to have any today since last time my husband and I enjoyed each other’s company, I did not hear from him for a few days. You KNOW God KNOWS your every thought and feeling when His timing (as it is NEVER late) reassures you that you are listening to His directions. I awoke in prayer for the strength to keep what I have learned in place—to maintain a cemented foundation of his teachings throughout this lifetime journey. I did not contact my husband even though he told me I could text him more last night. Temptation…not going to win! Sure enough I was texted consistently throughout the day from him and even called on a couple of occasions. I did reciprocate, just did not initiate (not right now anyway). He notified me, just as he said he was going to yesterday, that he let his brother and Mom know of his decision to move back in and work on our marriage without any pressure from me—he kindly told them that he sees the change in me—and that we both look forward to the marriage we’ve always wanted.

He brought up his lease in one of our conversations (another area I did not want to pressure, so do not bring it up myself). The thought was his Mom or brother could take it over. After talking to them, unfortunately that is not going to happen, so I asked him to touch base with the realtor to see what options there are and then we will tackle it together from there. I am not stressed one bit about it—whether we lose money on it or whether we are able to find another option—it is completely in God’s hands!

That led into a talk about patience and trust in Christ. When God opens those doors for me, with no hesitation, I step through. Replacing the carpet is still on my “list” that God gave me, the lease is another situation for us, and Hawaii is exactly one month away (this one I just brought up lightly to him last week). Three huge things among many little ones that I know God is going to work out. I just let my husband know to have patience and that these are all the pieces of the puzzle that will eventually come together, I just don’t know how yet, but my trust is completely in Christ.

He ended up inviting me to his place for dinner tomorrow night. I said it would depend if I have a HOA Board meeting since tomorrow is one of the nights they were contemplating…sure enough check my email and it has been pushed to first week of May. Praise God! Dinner invitation accepted. First time I am actually going to see his place.