45—Love is still not Rude
your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable
or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or
justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only.”
I should be at a point where nothing surprises me anymore
because I am trusting in God’s plan, but that is not the case and I have come
to the conclusion that I love the surprises—the surprises are God showing He is
working—that my eyes and heart are awakened to it now. Praise God for that!
Today was certainly no exception.
As I had mentioned yesterday, I texted my husband asking how
he was feeling due to finding out a week ago that he was having some stress
related health issues. I did not get a response back. Out of the blue today though,
I did—“Besides the depression and waking up at 3am crying I feel like crap.
They don’t know what is going on with me. The last time I went to the doctor
they asked me to take a mental health questionnaire and gave me information on
I was shaking when I read that. “God is working” is the
first thing that came to my mind. He is starting to break. That sounds so
harsh, but it is what it is. It is where I was two months ago—completely broken.
Since I was at a work-training, I hadn’t responded right
away. A couple hours later I had a missed call from him. I texted him real
quick asking if everything was okay, that I would call him when I was done. He
responded with, “I just need you to change the name on the PSE bill.” Then a
couple more hours went by and he called again and since I missed it, he texted,
“Can you talk?” This was literally at the same time I was just about to pick up
the phone and call him myself since I was now at home and settled.
I called him and we first talked about the PSE bill. I then asked
him about his text regarding his health. That turned into a 2 hour
conversation! He expressed how he has never felt so horrible in his life and
does not get how this is so ‘easy’ for me. I felt God’s presence all over the conversation.
I was able to express that by no means is this easy for me, but I have a
strength I’ve never had before. That I don’t expect him to understand right now
where I am coming from, but it is by the strength of Christ that I am where I
am. I was able to open up to him about my own hurt from choices both him and I
have made that I have not been able to truly express in the last couple months
due to his anger. This time though I felt he was really listening rather than
interrupting me left and right. He is still adamant about us not being able to
work and that we are over, in which I told him is his choice and that I am
still not giving up. He continually told me he was alone. It felt good to be
able to tell him he is NOT alone—that Christ is with Him. I told him I was
there for him too, but even though he feels I am not—he is still not alone. God
even opened up the door for me to complete today’s dare in what I believe was
His way—I asked my husband if there was anything I was doing that was
irritating him or making him feel uncomfortable. He said there was nothing
irritating, but he felt uncomfortable around me. He brought up when he came
over to do the taxes together. He said his heart was beating out of his chest.
I took that as a good thing whether he meant it that way or not. I reciprocated
by telling him mine was too, but with excitement. I was honest though and told
him that I have learned not to have expectations—prime example—that night did
not turn out like I thought because of the anger he was still expressing.
I felt so blessed to have had the opportunity to talk to him
like this. It is the first time in a very very long time that I really believe
he was hearing what I was saying and was not responding from a place of pure
anger. I have also not heard him cry in a long time and it got to that point
tonight—we were actually crying together. I simply asked him, “Do you think
people can change?” After beating around the bush a little bit, he finally
answered with, “yes.” I told him even though he does not see it, I have
changed. I have never been in such a place before with God. That I am NOT the
same ‘person’ I was two months ago and I never want to go back to being that ‘person.’
He responded with, “It’s too late.” My response, “I respectfully disagree.” He
ended the conversation there just saying he needed to get off. I let him know I
still care deeply for him and to have a good night.
I then go to complete my journal entry and it hits me – that
is why God did not want me send that
email response on Friday. I had it saved in my drafts box and read it again. Here
is what I had written five days ago based on his harsh email—
You are right. God did not hurt you and He is not involved
in cheating/lying/deception. All those things you mention were before I got on
the right path, but it was those things that made me realize my life was
completely out of control and I was at rock bottom. I NEVER want to go there
again. Worst. Place. Ever. I was awakened to everything I have done wrong, to
all of my selfish ways, to the hurt I have caused so many people. It is through
Him, though, the changes have been able to take place. Ones I've never
experienced in my life. Yes, I probably was the most selfish person you KNEW,
but if that is still what you think, then respectfully, I disagree with you.
You are pulling from the past. God HAS molded me. That is why I have the
strength I do and the forgiveness for your infidelity. It can only come from
His love and guidance.
God is not doing this to you. It is the flesh that is doing
this. I did this to you with my choices. You made choices. We did this to
ourselves. Not Him.
You have NOT lost me. You may think
you have in your mind, but you haven't because as I've said - I am still here.
You would have thought I was reading that during my
conversation with him tonight, but I wasn’t. What I wrote above was just a
snippet of our conversation, I literally touched on every point that email said and didn’t even realize it. You can’t
make this stuff up! God is good!
You do understand now that this is the situation as described in my journal about driving down the road...
Here is where you need to keep depending on Christ. You are so much further in a relationship with Christ. And he is just now starting to see that you are. He can see the comfort Christ affords you even in this trying time.
This is where your testimony will be tested.
It took me a while to catch up on all your posts JennMarie, but wow...what a journey you've been on! Your trust, faith and peace in God has developed and strengthened so much in all these journals. Now, like Sean said...it's time to just keep depending on Him. After all, depending on ourselves is what got us into these situations.
As for your husband...I was in his place a couple of months ago. I asked my husband for a divorce and when he found God and faith and wanted to work things out I was completely turned off to the idea. I'd given up on my marriage and God because I felt they'd given up on me. Oh how alone I felt. And so troubled. I never slept for weeks. I didn't realize how much I was hurting myself by pushing away God. While my marriage had failed and my husband had made plenty of mistakes (I'm no angel here either, just the perspective from that time), my God was there all the time. I just hadn't reached out to Him. I did things my way, and I shattered because of it. When I accepted God's presence into my life again though, I slept for 20+ hours straight.
All this to say, God can work miracles. He cracked my hardened heart and poured the water of his amazing love into it until it shattered. The process is painful and it's just as hard for the spouse to watch but if both of you stand true and hold to God, it can work miracles. Our relationship isn't perfect by any means but through God, we're learning to heal and to trust in Him instead of ourselves to see our marriage through.
May God continue to bless your journey and fill your heart with hope, love, grace, compassion and patience. You're a brave woman JennMarie. Continue to trust in Him and He'll only lift you that much higher!
Praise God that He has proven to you that He is in your husband's life and is turning him. I agree with Sean, now its just a point to wait for your husband to catch up to you on the road. Keep up the dares, keep being that bright, shining example of love to him. Your testimony is showing through so much!