JasonW's journal

Checking in

2013-04-04T04:00:25Z

Hello,

I hope everyone is doing well. I have not forgotten about my love dare family. My journey with Christ is wonderful. I attend church weekly, have joined a church and serve within the church. This Easter I was baptized. I can not explain the feeling only that who I am is through Him. I know this next piece of news will catch some people off guard but I have remarried. I have known my wife (Shannon) for 21 years. We met long ago. I feel that He brought us back together for a big reason. You see after my baptism I baptized my wife. I have found that I am the spiritual leader of my house. In so many ways has He filled my life with His word. I am blessed and pray that everyone here seeks Him.

Prayers

Jason

Divorced

2012-10-23T01:03:40Z

Hello everyone,

Checking in. On the 19th of October our divorce was finalized. There is nothing to say about it. No drama and the judge accepted our separation agreement. I am ok. I know God had prepared me for this. Now I am still and seek His wisdom in my life.

Blessings to all of you and your families.

Jason

Day 113-120 Round 3 complete

2012-09-15T07:10:40Z

I just got off the phone with me wife. Hour and a half conversation about a lot of things. I am so grateful to the Lord for the gift He just gave me. So the past 8 days have been no contact with her except to coordinate on child pick up etc. I am working through some work issues right now on my counselor. My wife and I spoke of religion and God. I spoke freely with her. She used every excuse to not want to get back together. She is thinking about it. As far as my vows for my marriage go. I have not changed them. Nor will I. I love my wife and I am able to do that through my faith in Christ. My walk with Him will continue! I am stepping away from the love dare. Not my walk with Christ. I will stand for my marriage. I need to get very personal and intimate with the Lord. Good Luck to you all in your Journeys. I will of course check in and all. I need to take what I have learned and understand it on a different level.

Days 104-112

2012-09-06T17:31:28Z

Day 104 Trying to remain vigilant on removing lust from my life. This becomes hard when I feel the rejection from my wife in what I am trying to do. I can also tie this to selfishness. The ever so danger of I want what I want NOW. Prayer, PRAYER and PRAYER!

Day 105 Lots of forgiveness for my wife. Lots of spite and anger and venom. I struggled and wanted to explode on her so bad. LIBBY I am so with you on this. My tongue is sore from biting it. Only thing I really could do was forgive her. Give this to Him and pray.

Day 106 I pray to the Lord everyday to show me ways that I can redeem and ask for forgiveness for my sins. I seek the wisdom only He can give me.

Day 107 My fall back. When I struggle this dare seems to come at me daily. Encouragement. Something about it is freeing all around.

Day 108 Oh this has become easy. Its not about me. I want it to be about me. I want my wife, my family, my love and my way. Only way to achieve that is to let it all go! His plan, His time, His way.

Day 109 This dare stings. As it is met with silence. I failed in not having an expectation. The return of love for my wife is so missed and wanted.

Day 110 I struggle to isolate just one area. I choose my bullheaded selfishness.

Day 111 This dare. This dare. This dare. I analyze it and fail at this dare. This reason why. Oh it brings up so much from me growing up that I need to resolve with Him. I appreciate the wisdom that He drops on me with this dare.

Day 112 any shot at being intimate with my wife would be divine. I miss so much about her and long for it. It is dangerous as I can easily get lost in my heart seeking that intimacy. However, leading the heart is the path to walk. More prayer on this dare as the day develops.

So the days are going by and I am doing my dares. I am finding a balance (margin) with all of this. I am getting very comfortable with Christ in my life and learning what I have chosen to do. Most of these dare were accomplished by much venom and hate from my wife this bast week. It took everything that I have learned and believe in to accomplish them. Yes above they are vague. Here is the low down. I get a call from my wife and she is upset about having to cancel a trip over the weekend. I started to try to help and the venom started. Instant prayer. In my head asking for the wisdom. Listening with a soft heart so the venom flows through and my armor defends. He gave it to me so no fear. I helped work through her issues and listened to her. It was so good. I felt good. I took the dogs and our youngest so she could go on this trip. I listened as she talked about her friends making her mad etc. I listened as she cast her hate on me. I felt like I was her husband. The weekend went by and I was grateful for the time with the pooches and being able to help my wife. More grateful for the time with my youngest daughter, my eldest and my youngest son. Great times. My wife came back to get our youngest and grabbed some weights from the gym and some cookbooks. She didn't say much however I was able to play with her oldest daughter. We played catch with the dog for a bit. I gave hugs to the girls and said good bye. My wife said Thank you Jason and that was all. Yeah not gonna lie. It hurt. Thats all I got. I truly didnt expect anything by doing all that. But her words that I am merely just meeting her half way now and not bending over backwards. Her constant beating me down with justifying her actions and all that. It wears on me. I lean on Him. Sometimes I forget but He reminds me that I need to learn so much more. I am so thankful for His wisdom, timing and plan. She needs to struggle with herself. I can see it developing. She is running from herself. Presumptive of me isn't it. I know this from experience. I seek His guidance on this. I friend asked me to meet her at church this Sunday. She is struggling with her husband. He used to work for me. She is the one that gave me the Love Dare. He is very interesting in His work. My house is full now. Friends moving away and moving back are all staying. I am thankful for the opportunity to help others.

Days 102-103

2012-08-28T20:38:13Z

Yesterday I spent the entire day driving. 8+ hours in the car driving our youngest back to the wife. Then back home to take my oldest across town to her counseling appointment. Sitting for that long puts my back into fits like no tomorrow. I had to leave early so I would be back in time for the counseling appointment. The wife wanted me to stay to help her set up the kegerator. I did and I was able to walk my daughter to her school cause we made it back there way early. Driving home I took one of the more scenic routes and was delayed. My bad still made it home before the oldest returned from school.

Removal of parasites is in a preventive measure at this stage. Staying alert and reading the appendix on leading your heart helps. Today these are on my mind as a reminder. Romans 5:4

Days 96-101

2012-08-26T13:36:15Z

The Lord smacked me hard today. The past couple of nights I have not slept well. Last night I woke up at 11pm maybe 2 hours after going to bed. I smelled something strange and walked the house. NOTHING. So I went back upstairs and laid down again. Then some time later my youngest comes into the room. By 230am I was on the floor. Back hurt to much and sleep was not happening. So down stairs I went. Made some coffee and started flipping through the channels. Well, facing the giants was on. Here is the smack. My oldest had talked about this movie last week saying how good it is. Here I find it on Starz. I started watching about half way through. Does He know how to give us what we need when we need it? So I ask you all this, is anything impossible when you walk with God?

Day 96 - Praying for my wife. I shy away from this because I pray for selfish reasons. Which in turn should help me refine how I pray but I am still goofy praying and am a work in progress. I pray for her salvation but it is for me that I pray this. I pray that she finds the Lord and her heart is softened again only for me. I am trying to bridge that gap and pray for what SHE needs and not what I want.

Day 97 - This is something I was so horrible at. Making my wife feel safe. I made her feel the exact opposite. Selfishness again. I did not see her properly. The Lord has given me the ability to see her as His child. Something that should be embraced. I picked up the youngest from her at the car dealer. She was getting her oil changed and was in town to pick up her daughter. She stopped by the house to get the youngest once that was complete. She came inside and chatted for a bit. My friend was over with his boys prior to taking them to the airport. She seemed to get upset as we were talking about my retirement and it is apparently on hold for some reason. Rumor control has it I am under investigation for something. I know nothing as I have not been told anything other than my paperwork is up at HQ. I was light hearted about it for He has me covered. She doesnt understand it. HHHMMM something to pray about.

Day 98 - I wish I could make her a dinner. She was the cook. Well she still is but since she moved I cook now. I have ventured into making things from scratch. The other day I spent some money on new pots and pans. I mean spent some money. They will last me the rest of my time here. I have our youngest while she attends a mountain bike for women course. I paid for it last round I believe. She deserves the time.

Day 99 - The past couple weeks have been trying. Not only with the LD but with my oldest daughter. She has been receiving some tough love and I lacked on some guidance from Him. Some reflection that the LD journey is a life journey that applies to all facets not just marriage. Thank you Lord for softening my heart. Thank you Lord for giving me the strength to love and guide my family.

Day 100 - The start of the smack. Take the Lord at his word. Dare Him on His promise. Game on! Fill me with your spirit Lord. Guide me with your wisdom and continue to mold me in your image. Your plan and time!

Day 101 - Ah seek Him with a purpose today. I wonder if my daughter knows that Christ used her as a tool? So after watching facing the giants this morning, I rewatched fireproof. Thank you Lord for the smack. Thank you Lord for the gifts that you have gracefully given me. Romans 10:9

Days 92-95

2012-08-20T14:19:59Z

Friday the 17th,

I opted out of going camping with my friend and his boys this weekend. Given the trouble my oldest has been getting into I wanted to spend time alone as a family. I needed to confront my daughter and hold her accountable. That was accomplished as it has been done so many times in the past. I have been feeling the drain lately with her. Now I look to Him for the strength. So how does this have any thing to do with the dare. My wife told me once to send my daughter off to her mom. If I did that would place me right back where I was. That is not me. I am doing what she always wanted. Being a father, being there and trying to pay attention

Saturday the 18th,

Every time that we have a conversation that ends up with her spewing the venom this dare shines. I try to listen to learn, I have stopped getting defensive about the things she is saying and stopped going on the offensive once she is done. I try to have conversations that can be learned from. To voice both our concerns in an environment that feels safe and allows both of us to be heard.

Sunday the 19th,

Spending time with my wife would that not be great. Well I need to spend more time with Christ first. This dare was accomplished in a very small way. She emailed me a picture of the sketch her tattoo artist rendered of her upcoming tattoo. She asked me to review it. So I did. I spent the time to give her my thoughts on how it looked etc. The tattoo does actually look really good. The artist is very talented and I think my wife will be pleased with the work. The piece has a flag in it. I have this thing for flags that if your going to display it do it right. Even in a tattoo. It shows respect for this country. Ah 20 years in the military.

Monday the 20th,

The 9 year anniversary of my best friend getting messed up in Iraq. Just 6 days back in country after going home for the birth of his son. Should of never of came back. Spent the better part of this day 9 year ago saving his life. I was his medic and it went from having my hands inside his legs stopping bleeding to flying him to the hospital to inside the operating room with him to the recovery room. Another one of our guys was messed up as well and one of our interpreters had been killed. Great dude that had earned all our respect. Just wanted to give back to his country (Iraq). My wife is jealous of the relationship that we have. That our families have. I understand that but never have before and flaunted it. Funny that this dare falls on this day. While I am very grateful to the Lord that I still receive my friends perspective in life, it is my wife's perspective I cherish the most and do not have. In order to show her how high she is held in my eyes, she gets this today a text that just says "I never said this enough to you before but thank you for being you. Thank you for your perspective and bringing balance into my life. Thank you!"

Days 89-91

2012-08-16T14:27:40Z

On Tuesday morning I received several phones calls one right after each other that I did not answer (I didn't hear the phone ringing). Yep from the wife. I had a moment of panic on what this could be about as she is so adamant about my oldest being around our youngest. I called her back and almost immediately she asked me if I was seeing someone else. I laughed and said no. Then asked why she brought that up. She said cause I had stopped texting and emailing etc. I told her that I was giving space and being still for a bit. I wanted to say other things but He bit my tongue for me. We talked about the divorce and how she has had a change of heart. That her stipulations on my daughter not being in the house when our youngest is over was to much and she needs to trust me that I have their best interest at heart. WOW. I just heard this from my wife. Thank you Lord. (I need to praise Him more). He is so freaking cool. She had the separation agreement rewritten to reflect that change. She also said several times that she thinks it would be good for me to start dating. I am torn why she is saying this. Now let me explain this a bit. Not torn because of jealousy IE she had found someone and feels the need to push me to date so its justified in her eyes. If that is the case it is her decision and I still wait on His plan for me to be revealed in His time. I am torn because she has said in the past that is what she expects me to do. I think about her saying that and am wondering if she is saying that to fulfill her belief that is what I will do so she doesn't have to trust in my change? To protect herself against the let down that my testimony is not real. Ah anyway we ended that conversation and went on about my day with the kids and dealing with some drama of my oldest daughter. Day 9 dare complete? In His way oh yes! She called me back later that night and we talked about everything. I mean everything. Work, school, life future plans for one another etc. She is getting a tattoo and we talked about that. It was really good to just talk to her. I missed out on so many talks with her in the past. Thank you Lord again for the face slap! Needed it!

Wednesday,

Well not much transpired between that wife and I. A text asking when she was bringing our daughter down to pick up her daughter (you all have the kid thing figured out yet?;)) Since she is all the way down here I said that I would drive our youngest all the way back to her on the following Monday if she is ok with it. That way my oldest is in school and we are not wasting a day in the car and all stressed out. She was fine with it. Not the most elaborate expression of love but I will take it. The best part is it was completed prior to me reading the dare. I really am humble when He works in this manner. Its like hey I see you didnt bring an umbrella after I told you it was going to rain. No worries I have an extra.

Thursday,

I can not give a foot rub or a back massage. I would like to but not in the books right now. More prayers on this one. Yesterday, I had to get paperwork notarized for the divorce (the revised separation agreement). I did this immediately upon getting the email. Was this the errand? Did I complete the dare again prior to reading the dare? More prayer. Lately I have been getting the feeling that my stand for this marriage is not for the marriage but for my soul. I have spoke of this before and sought counsel from Sean on some things. Due to some tech problems I am not able to message people or friend anyone. Look back at Tuesday and my giving space and being still comment. The dares I am taking at face value. Trying to learn what I can from them. Mostly being still and learning to listen and hear. Giving up expectations and continue to lead my heart to Him. As some of you may not know I do not believe my marriage is official. That is said because all references to Him were removed. I am not ok with this. This is what I wished to speak to Sean about. I wish to make it right with Him. That is the fight for my soul. I was so far from Him that I was standing next to Him. His plan on His time. As Jason #1 has said in a recent post about standing forever. Said in the heat of emotion we mean it. However, we are not that strong and we do not know what His plan is. All we know is that we are willing to wait on His time for His plan! I remain open to His change and lessons. I remain standing for my marriage in hope of making it right in His eyes.

Days 84-88

2012-08-13T13:26:31Z

Well what a couple of days it has been. Left early Friday morning to go camping and my eldest daughter tried to pull a fast one by bringing a boy over to the house prior to her mom picking her up to spend the weekend with her. I get home from camping on Saturday and the neighbors are ratting her out. First week of school and the drama starts. Yes she is a teenage girl, her desire for attention in the negative way is amazing. I confronted her about it and it was nothing but pointing her finger at me. Frustration is the word of the day. Lots of prayers on wisdom and knowledge from Him. My wife did call and talk to me about it. I have been giving her tons of space as I need it to be still so I can hear. That seems to be the theme with this round. Me learning to be still and not force the dares or my will.

Round 3 Day 81-83

2012-08-09T03:10:51Z

Day 1 was a fresh reminder on how I need to work on patience. More so with the kids. My son is really pushing buttons and my patience is worn thin. Day 2 I completed by sending my wife a text that said this:

You are the most beautiful person I have ever met. I can not express in words what it is like to feel you close to me. The warmth from your touch or the fullness from hugging you is like a cool breeze as the sunsets. I hope you have a good day.

Day 83 I bought her a light weight gortex jacket and will give it to her tomorrow when I pick up our daughter.

Last night I had a dream. I was with a lady that was not my wife. We were at some sort of public event at a school I believe and I remember people saying something about how in love we are. Then some speaker was speaking and I made a remark. It was leud and when I looked down this lady was crying and she looked at me and said "your words did this". The pain and guilt that I let this lady down was intense. That's when I woke up. This was nothing sexual. This lady is not someone I know but she was very beautiful. This dream has been with me all day. Had a rough day with the boys, I mentioned the patience thing right.

Day 80 Love is a covenant

2012-08-06T03:37:55Z

Day 80 Love is a covenant

My Vows:

I have walked this world for 38 years. Doing and getting what I wanted. Living the life that I thought was it. I was so far from happiness. I carried a great amount of pain, hurt and hate around. This made it easy for me to live in the moment, to justify my evil behavior and to turn my back on those close to me. Then you came into my life. I resorted to how I am and tried so hard to drive you away. Pushed anything that i felt down and let how I thought things would turn out come to be the truth. What I did not know was something was changing within me. Something was happening that would teach me to care, to love and to forgive. It took you leaving and moving on with your life for this to sprout. Even now you do not understand of believe that me turning to God could do what has been done to me. I tell you this, never have I felt the happiness that I feel now. Never have I felt the love that I feel now. Never have I forgave the way that I have been forgiven until now. When I think of you I smile big and warmth flows. I remember what it felt like to have your arms around me and feel you close. Your smoothness next to me, that thought is so exhilarating. It is because of my faith that I am able to trust in that. It is because of my faith that I am able to have the strength to get through that worst part of my life. The biggest gift I have ever received was God’s love and forgiveness. Through that I have learned to trust myself. I learned that my choice to love is precious. My choice to love you is divine. I choose to love you everyday until we leave this world. I choose to walk with you and enjoy everything that comes before us. I choose to make the sunsets ours and give the sunrise to our children. Through sickness and health, good times and bad times I choose to experience that with you. To become one and strengthen each others weaknesses and show the world the strength of our love. I choose you as my wife and to love you everyday.

Day 79 Love endures

2012-08-04T19:43:36Z

Day 79 Love endures

I will have to pray some more on this dare. As stated in the previous dares, my wife is really pushing away hard. She is clinging to anything to justify her righteousness in her decision to leave. All I can do is endure. I asked her about the divorce and if her lawyer has heard anything. She responded with her lawyer has not even filed paperwork that was supposed to be done several weeks ago. Same paperwork that I have filed already. He is so sly. Again I am amazed at His work. Today will be prayers on what to write to my wife.

Day 78 Love fulfills dreams

2012-08-04T19:43:09Z

Day 78 Love fulfills dreams

I completed this dare by working with my other kids mom and ensuring that I would be able to watch our daughter so she could go on her mountain bike weekend that I paid for last go around on day 38. Funny how this worked out and was completed prior to the dare. After our recent conversations and her expressing that she wants nothing to do with me, I am thankful that He provides opportunities like this.

Day 77 Love agrees in prayer

2012-08-04T19:42:40Z

Day 77 Love agrees in prayer

Had a discussion with the wife where she reaffirmed her disdain for believers. So I will pray daily. This is all I can do. I have learned some lessons from the love dare in which I try to practice daily. Praying is one of them. One that I find beneficial.

Day 76 Love is God's word

2012-08-02T03:06:41Z

Day 76 Love is God's word

I have been reading the bible. I need to read it more. I have been slacking on reading it daily. One book that helped my find my way was laugh your way to a better marriage. Sorry for the short posts.