Collaborate without boundaries

3-7-18 day13

  • Comments 9

Had to be at work again this morning at 4am didnt lay down last night til around 9:30 and didnt go to sleep til almost midnight Im not sure why but i havent had a good night sleep in over a month but i dont seem to be to tired either.  When all this first started with my wife i flew into a deep depression and didnt hardly eat for over a week.  But Ive came out of that state but i did drop like 8 pounds in that week so i decided to use it to my advantage to go on a diet eat healthier and stop drinking anything other than water now just 4 and half weeks since my wife told me she didnt love me and i flew into that depression im down over 20 pounds and under 240 for the first time in years.  I figured i mine as well make a better physical me to go along with the new spiritual me that God is working on.  

So i left my parents house around 3:20 this morning heading to work and as soon as i got in the truck i started praying i talked to God almost til i got in the parking lot at work which is a 30 minute drive.  I begged him to lay his hands on me to give me the strength and the trust in him to lay everything down at his feet and let him take control.  I asked him to show his will in my wife as well.  As i was pulling into the parking lot i turned the radio up i have been listening to the local christian station in my area (i used to listen to heavy rock and some country) and the song that was on was called control by and christian band call tenth avenue north, the song speaks about letting God take control of your life talk about perfect timing right.  It really hit a spot with me i had never heard it before so when i got into work i went to the stations website to look it up and downloaded it to my apple music.  If you havent heard it yet look it up especially if your having a hard time letting God take control like i have been.  Ive actually downloaded alot of christian music on my phone and have been listening to it at work and this morning i was talking to a coworker who is also having a little trouble in his marriage and i was discussing with him the things im learning in the love dare and how its teaching me to love like God does and how its also what got me on my path to growing closer to God.  He told me that he was going to get him a copy today and going to give it a read.  With God putting me in such a good mood today it made it easy to not try to contact my wife and i didnt talk to her until she called me when she got off work this afternoon.  Although i do know she goes on her lunch break at 12:30 i didnt try to contact her but i did catch myself trying to snoop so i asked God right then to help me stop and to get satan out of my head.

When i got off work i went and picked Maddox up from school and as soon as he got in the truck he said Dada were gonna have a bonfire tonight do you want to come.  I told him that i would love to come but that it wasnt up to me it was up to his mama and he said me and her both said you can come which isnt what happened at all but i think thats just him wanting me home.  I got him home and asked him what he wanted to do today and he said he wanted to go to the big park near my wifes work so we got his homework done off to the park we went.  We played and ran around the playground til i was sweating and out of breathe thats the first time ive played with my son like that in a long time and it was the highlight really my year so far.  After we left the park i took him to get a snowcone and we sat outside while he ate his snowcone til he got cold and we got in the truck and headed home while he still ate it.  He did end up spilling a little in my back seat and normally that wouldve made me very angry and usually start yelling but not now i just handed him a napkin and said its ok son just try to clean it up the best you can.  On the way home he started talking about the bonfire again and i had to tell him maddox daddy wants to be able to be there daddy wants to stay home with you and mommy and he said he wanted me to too.  But i told him right now mommy doesnt want to be around daddy im not trying to turn him against her but i also dont want to lie to my son cause when i talk to him every night before bed i tell him to make sure he gives his momma a big hug and kiss.  

When we got home he went in the living room to watch tv and i unloaded the dishwasher and put the dishes in the sink into the dishwasher and my wife had the bed comforter laying in the floor with dog hair all on it so i put it in the washing machine.  i know its a dare a day no more no less but i look at it as its still my home and im going to take care of it and keep it nice even though im not staying there right now.  When my wife called me and told me she was on her way home i did not tell her i loved her before we got off the phone i just said be careful ill see you shortly and bye.  My dare today was about fighting fair and setting rules of engagement i prayed at work today for God to help with this cause weve both said very hurtful things in the past to one another in arguements to the point ive told my wife to divorce me not meaning it.  He did i was able to make a we and a me list.  when my wife came in the door i asked her if we could talk for a few minutes before i left and she had the look on her face of weve got to talk about this again but i told her its not about what you say your tired of talking about.  I told her you know weve had some really bad arguements and weve both said things we didnt mean and she agreed i told her lets set some ground rules of things we arent going to do in a fight.  to which she said well we arent going to be arguing now but ok.  I told her some of the things i came up with and she just seemed to shrug it off and i did say lets not talk about a divorce in a fight to which she replied well you cant file for a divorce for a year anyways and i asked is that what you want and she said that she didnt know but that she was done.  i said well when you say your done that sounds like your done and want a divorce.  she said i dont want to try i just want to make myself happy i dont know whats going to happen with us but im done trying to make us work and dont want to make us work and she said that she has a year to decide if she wants a divorce.  I just simply told her that i didnt want one that i wanted us to work and that i was gonna keep fighting to make it work and she said thats fine.  So after the conversation i told her i was going to leave and i hugged and kissed maddox and told her i hope she has a good night and i left.  I did have to call her on the way to my parents cause i forgot to tell her that i had cancelled a tablet that we didnt use and changed our phone plan to save some money which she had been asking me to do for months but i wanted to let her know to stay connected to wifi when she could so she didnt make us go over on data but that was all that was said and i got off the phone without telling her i love her.  and the only thing i said to her at the house about it was that i wasnt going to tell her anymore cause she said it was awkard feeling to her cause she isnt saying it back and that she would know i love her by actions.

  • It's so hard with little ones--my 3 yr old told her babysitter (my aunt) that daddy makes her cry and makes mommy cry too, and he's mean.  My aunt wasn't even aware we were having issues.  Today is my day to guard his secrets, so I chose not to tell her what was going on.  I try to tell my daughter that daddy loves her, he just doesn't want to see me, and not to call him mean..I'm trying not to get emotional in front of her either but it's tough.  

    Between fasting and not being able to eat I too lost weight at the beginning.  It probably did me some good because I normally hate going without food--i found it helped me focus on prayer.  It's also tough to not automatically tell them you love them--i guess I need to work on that too.  Hang in there!  I will pray for you.

  • Thank you and I will pray for you as well

  • this trial in the beginning surely makes eating tough.  But, as you gained comfort in God, you were able to eat again.  And the same with sleep.  As you continue in gaining  comfort from God, you will again be  able to sleep better.  

    That's great you are already sharing your testimony.  continue to be a witness to Christ when you are called to or when you see the right time to do so.

  • Be very careful how you word  things  to  your son. Even though it's her wanting you out of the house, instead of letting him know  that, maybe say you both needed some space to settle down for a while.  Something that just doesn't put  the blame on her.  You do not want him looking  negatively at his mom, nor him going back to her and saying dad said it's your fault mom.

  • You have done well pulling back and doing  a dare a day.  The blanket you washed, to me, often times that is what we do since we learned to be kind in doing the dares.  If you are doing it to show kindness without wanting the attention or her acknowledgement, then you are more so doing it just to be kind, just be careful you don't over do things.  

    don't ask if she's thinking of a d.  EVen if she isn't, she isn't going to let out the truth.  She is going to say things like she said, I just want to be happy. But, she won't be happy, because she's fighting God's will.  And she will end up seeing you being happy (more the joy of Christ) as you grow in Him.  And this will make her mad, because in her mind, she is the one making the decisions and therefor should be happy while you are the one that  should be miserable.

  • So if she ever comes at you with that, in how are you happy in all of this but she isn't, it is then you can share what Christ has done for you.  

  • Thanks for the words of encouragement tim

  • I will try not to over do it I’ll pray to God and ask him just what I need to do for the kindness but I will say since I’ve grown closer to him I do have a sense of energy that I’ve never had.  Even getting up every morning at 2:45 am and some nights only getting around 2 hours of sleep I don’t feel like going home and crashing like I always have before and that was getting 6+ hours of sleep a night. I know my son sees the changes God is making in me cause yesterday at the park is the happiest I’ve seen him when he’s with just me in a long time

  • I lost 25 pounds in the first month or so. It's so hard to eat with that much stress.

    God does have perfect timing. There are so many weird things that happen to me and I think coincidence? but it's not. God is giving me what I need when I need it.

    Snooping only leads to heartache. I feel like ignorance is bliss.

    I'm unsure what to say about talking to your son. I do the exact same thing. I tell my kids the truth. But people tell me they don't need the truth. They just need to know they are loved and the problems are for the adults. I don't tell my 5 or 10 year olds anything but the others are 13,14,15 and 17. I feel like they need the truth. I don't say my wife is bad but I do tell them that what she is doing is wrong, if they ask. I don't volunteer information or start conversations about her. The world says I shouldn't do that but the Bible tells me otherwise and I will teach my children the Bible's ways, not the world's ways. This is a very tough issue to deal with. It's something you pray sincerely about.

    She will know you love her by your actions. If you agree not to talk about divorce then don't talk about it. A lot can happen in a year. You can be a completely different person if you choose to be. A much better person but still not perfect.  Take care of yourself the best you can.

    It kind of drives me crazy when I hear someone say "I just want to be happy." So many people don't realize that love and happiness are not magical. They are a choice. You choose to love and you will love. You choose to be happy and you will be happy. It just takes commitment. Right now you have to be committed to her and the marriage while she goes through whatever it is she is going through. Pray for her and let God work on her this next year if that's what she wants.

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