Collaborate without boundaries

3-6-18 day 12

  • Comments 6

Didn't sleep very much again last night and had to be at work at 4 am this morning.  I did text my wife this morning when I got to work I was reminding her that our son had school pictures today so she would dress him nice and I said that I hoped she had a good day around 7 this morning I hadn't heard back so I called to make sure she got the reminder of my sons pictures she said she did and that she just hadn't responded yet.  We ended up talking about us it was initiated by her and it ended up like it always does Ive got to quit letting her set me up like that to talk about it.  I told her I would not contact her until she called me to let me know she was off work and I didn't.  But she texted me right when I got off work asking about a bill and I told her to call me since I was driving.  She did and we discussed it then I asked her why she had been telling me she loved me everytime we talked up until yesterday and she said that it had been out of habit and she catches herself saying it cause I say it to her.  I told her when we first had our fall out she didn't have to say it if she didn't mean it but I was gonna tell her cause I still do love her and she said ok.  So the last 2 days she hasn't told me she loved me unless she slips up but I still tell her everytime we talk.

Tonight was the night my son wanted me to eat dinner with them so me and him hung out after I picked him up from school and did his homework he wasn't feeling to well so he kinda just laid around and played on his tablet but I sat beside him while he did.  I wasn't going to start dinner for my wife but she asked me to so I did since she asked.  I also started the dishwasher for her since it was full and took the trash out since it was full as well, I also got her keurig ready for her in the morning which is something ive been doing every day for over a month.  When she got home she seemed more distant today than she did yesterday she seems to be getting more distant by the day only thing I did to show any affection was gave her one kiss on the cheek when she got home.  We talked some about the same thing we have been and she said the same things that shes done she tried for so long and I didn't that she gave up and doesn't want to try anymore.  She also said what she always says in that if you truly love someone you wont hurt them like you did me which I told her I know I made a mistake but I cant change it.  When dinner was done cooking she made her and my son their plates and I made mine I tried to get my son to sit at the table but he likes sitting at the bar and wanted me to sit him so I did and my wife ate dinner by herself at the table.  We still chit chatted back in forth during dinner some and when I got done eating I went at sat with her at the table for a minute.  She said that she had been thinking about getting separate bank accounts and what not and that she didn't know if she could make it if she did especially since we just got our mortgage caught up this month.  She said shes been thinking about all kinds of things like that I just looked at her and said your still my wife and im still your husband and this is still our home.  We will keep a joined account and continue to pay the bills like we have been I told her that since im still her husband and my son was still there that it was my job to make sure that they were taken care of. 

For my dare today I didn't know exactly what I could give into where we disagree, since when we had our fall apart I pretty much already have gave into everywhere we disagreed.  So I told her to post whatever she wanted to on social media cause that was one thing that we still disagreed on I told her you know I don't like you posting things about whats going on between us but if you want to do so do it.  She said she was going to anyways and I said I know I just want you to know that its something I don't like and don't agree with but im not going to say anything about it.  Afterwards we talked a little about God and I told her that I was trying to grow closer to him and that if he felt we should work it out we would and I told her that I had been praying for her to find peace and happiness.  She told me that she had been praying for me to find peace and that God give me the strength to let her go.  I also told her that God can make anything work and she said that not if both people didn't pray to make it work.  Ive just got to put my big boy pants on my head down and keep moving forward with God leading the way I will continue to pray for her selflessly that she is able to be happy again and that God lays his hands on her.  I will continue to pray that God lays his hands on me and gives me strength and trust to lay it all at his feet 100% and let him take complete control cause he will lead me in the right direction.

  • YOu really have to stop the extra calls and contacts. Did you really think she forgot of dressing him up or were you looking for an excuse to contact her?  

    Did you really think she didn't get the text and a call was necessary or were you looking for an excuse to call.

    She didn't set you up for the conversation, you did by calling.  

    Why ask her about her saying she loves you?  She is not at the point of these discussions or even if she does truly love you, she isn't going to want to say so.

  • You put her in a position where she feels she needs to put her  wall up when you brought up saying I love you.

    A dare a day, no more, no less.  When you do these extras you are seeking comfort from her, hoping for a good reaction.  have no expectation of  her,  you are setting yourself up for disapointment and hurt.

  • God does feel you should work it out, He hates divorce.  that's not in question.  but He will not take her free will away.

    Don't  pray for her to be happy.  In fact, pray that God's will is in her life and also that she feels God's conviction.  Because when a person is happy, they do not typically turn to God. And while she is doing  what she can to show division in the marriage she is going against God's will.  This should bring conviction not  happiness.

    Look at when you turned more fully to God, it wasn't in good times, it  was when you became scared or miserable.  the same for her.  Let her feel God's conviction and pray she feels it, knows what it is, and knows how  to  respond to it.

    And when she complies and turns to God's will, this will be the time she feels something better than happiness, and that is the joy of  Christ.

  • Thanks Tim I’m trying right now but like I’ve said this is still all very new to me not only what I’m going through with my wife but also a real relationship with God.  I appreciate everything thing you tell me and the advice you give me I’m trying my best to take the advice God gives me and you give me and apply it but it’s still very hard.  This morning I talked to God on my entire ride to work and I’m asking him to help me just let go of everything and give it to him I know that I’m still holding on to it a little and that’s why I keep seeking her comfort right now.  But please feel free to tell me what you feel needs to be said because I’m trying to grow in Christ and any advice to do so I will gladly accept.

  • Tim is right. Stop contacting her. Stop telling her you love her. I guarantee she knows that. I did the same thing you are doing and it just got worse. When I would tell my wife I love her she would say "I know you do." I did not realize what I was doing at the time and I didn't give my wife the space she wanted. It only pushed her further away.

    My wife eventually started her own bank account and stopped putting money in our joint account for a couple of months before she finally filed for a d. Now I'm being told that I have to give her half the money that was in our joint account as of the date she filed. The law is not fair and you have to realize that. When my wife first started talking about this last year she said she just wanted some independence and would see where it went from there. I didn't give her that independence she wanted and as time went by she went from a 5% chance of reconciling to a near 0% chance now. I messed up bad by doing all the things I did.

    Ignore the social media stuff. Don't even mention it to her. Don't look at her profile. Don't talk to her about God. Let her see God through you. As I mentioned before my wife put in court documents that I'm using God against her. Our spouses are going to turn ANYTHING they can into something negative, even God. Unless I'm completely mistaken in my Bible learning, God is not going to help someone find peace to let go of their spouse. That completely contradicts His word. God instituted marriage to be for life. The problem is that your wife is going to have to figure this out with the help of God, not you. If you say something like this to her she will only get more angry at you. Step back, worship God, and let Him deal with everything.

  • I’m gonna give it my best to do exactly what y’all are telling me like I said I prayed and talked to God my entire way to work a 30 minutes drive to give me strength and to be able to do what y’all are telling me.  I’ve read my day 13 chapter in the book and a few bible versus today as God has me in a pretty good mood today.  I know the better mood that I am in the easier it will be to maintain the distance I need from her right now cause when I get low that’s when I look for comfort from her.  I’m gonna pray for her like Tim told me to instead of praying for her happiness I just have to remember to let him take comeplete control over the situation.

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