Collaborate without boundaries

Day 9

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Today was day 9 for me and I had the opportunity to greet my wife 3 times today.  It started first thing this morning I was the first one awake in the house mainly cause I slept on the couch to give my wife some space.  I heard my son get up and go into the bedroom with my wife shortly after so I knew she was awake so I went and made her a cup of coffee and took it to her in the bedroom.  I layer in the bed with her and my son for a little bit before sliding my son over to my side of the bed so that I could be next to my wife.  I payed there and looked at her for a few minutes before finally curling up to her and laying my head on her I asked her if she wanted me to move and she told me I was fine.  After being there for a little while she asked my son if he wanted breakfast cause she was about to go make her some and he said no that he didn’t.  I got up and went to the kitchen and made her breakfast for her and took it to her so she could eat it in bed and she told me that I didn’t need to keep doing these things but I told her that I was doing them cause I wanted to.

after breakfast I got some things together to go to my parents so that she could have her space for the day cause we had agreed to do a date night tonight.  I wanted to get ready over there and come pick her up like I did for our first date.  I’ve gained some weight over the last few years and don’t shop for myself so I don’t have really any nicer clothes so I decided I was going to go shopping today and get me a nicer outfit for our date tonight.  The second greeting I had with her was at the department store I knew that she would be there cause she was going shopping for our son some clothes today but me and my mom went right when I got to we house and I knew my wife wouldn’t be in any hurry to get there so I figured I could be in and out before she got there so she wouldn’t think that I was trying to spend time with her when I said I’d give her some space.  Well I took a little longer shopping than I expected mainly cause my mom kept finding me shirts to try on and then she wanted to go to the kids section and get a few for my son.  And when we walked to the kids section I seen my wife but she didn’t see me at first I started to just turn and walk away and my mom try to get me to but I had to go see her for a second and I really wanted to be able to hug my son.  I walked over to her and my son seen me and said momma look behind me and she looked up and it startled her cause she wasn’t expecting to see me.  I told her that I had come to get a couple things and was trying to be gone before she got there but that she did look beautiful.  Then my son walked me over to the toy section to show me something, he knows and kinda understands what’s going on with us and he’s telling me that he knows I’m trying to fix mommas heart and that he wants me to fix it and I tell him that I’m doing my best but that she’s got to be able to let me fix it before I can.  So we walked back over to her after he showed me what he wanted to show me and I told her that we were gonna leave so that she could finish shopping and we hugged and kissed and told each other we loved each other.  I know right now she’s telling me she loves me out of habit and she says she still loves and cares about me she just isn’t in love with me.

i got dressed and the shirt I got was almost identical to a shirt she had bought me some time ago that I couldn’t wear anymore that she loved on me and always said it was her favorite shirt for me to wear.  I came home to pick her up for our date night and rang the doorbell because I was wanting it to seem like a first date a new beginning for us.  When she answered I gave her a dozen roses and she gave me a hug and kiss.  I tried to put on a smile and seem energetic for our meeting for our date and think I did a pretty good job.  We left the house to go eat and I took her to a nice little restaurant I had never taken her before and in the way there I told her let’s enjoy tonight just me and you let’s not bring anything up about what’s going on let’s just enjoy our night together and she agreed.  We shared a plate of chicken fettuccine and somehow the subject of what was going on with us got brought up in our conversation and things got a little emotional for us.  I told her hey let’s not talk about it we agreed we wouldn’t and let’s just enjoy our night and she said ok so we did.  After dinner we went to see a movie which is what we did our first date before it started she asked if I’d go get her a drink and I said I would and I also brought her back some cookie dough bites (she has a sweet tooth).  When I brought them back she said I just wanted a drink I didn’t want those but in less than 10 minutes she opened them and was eating them.  We had a good time in the movie I didn’t try to initiate and affection towards her I was gonna let her show any of she wanted it. About 30 minutes into the movie she crossed her legs and put her leg across mine which was nice.  Shortly after that I think she sensed I wanted to hold her hand so she grabbed my hand and held it in hers on her lap.  After a little while she let it go so I moved my hand and shortly after that she put my hand on her leg and said I could leave it there.  We held hands off nd on through the night mostly initiated by her cause I didn’t want to push and it was a nice evening.

on the way home I stopped and filled her car up so she wouldn’t have to stop tomorrow and do it and we had a nice conversation on the way home we held hands a little at first but on the way home I felt the wall go back up to where she didn’t want me to touch her.  So I tried my best not to and she brought up conversation about what we would do if we don’t work it out cause she scared if I stay in the house right now that she’s gonna get the point she’s gonna hate me and she says if went don’t she wants us to remain friends and be cordial about everything.  I told her that I love her more than anything and that I would not be spiteful towards her no matter any outcome and that it didn’t matter what happens that I’m gonna fight tooth and nail to win her heart back for the rest of my life.  We got home and I went to the bed room to enter my notes in the book and check the date off and read day 10 I usually read the night before of the upcoming day and read it again the day of to try to fully understand what it’s saying but I never read the next day til my dare is complete.  After I got done reading I came and sat down on the couch with her to watch some tv I left my phone in the bedroom to not take my focus off of us.  She was on hers and she read a quote she had seen on Pinterest that had to do with everything that was going on with us and that’s when things turned for the worse we started talking about it and things got very emotional for both of us.  And it got to the point she told me that she didn’t want me near her and to just leave her alone so now I’m sleeping on the couch again and she doesn’t even want to look at me and that’s how our day went today.

  • Keep to a dare a day, no more.  Space this is what she needs, not the extra things you are wanting to do for her to win her over.  She may say it's okay to make her breakfast, cuddle up to her, etc., but she will feel that is getting in her space.

    So often you will want to do these things but it is to find comfort from her.  To see if she will accept you and your cuddles or your acts of doing things out of the ordinary.  But these are the very things that will push her away.

  • You talk about not sleeping in the same bed and also moving out to give her space, yet you are in her space when you are under the same roof.

    Give her space, and seek comfort from God not her.  

  • shopping in the same place as her at around the same time she would be there.   Think about it honestly.  Were you kind of hoping to have a chance run in with her?  

    You really do have to give her space without moving out and without leaving the marital bed.  If anyone sleeps somewhere else, let that be on her, not you.  Moving out is showing division, not unity and is not the way to give her space.  

  • Talking to your son about fixing her heart or fixing her.  Leave the fixing up to God alone.  Keep this as a journey between you and Christ, not you and your wife.  And you will be glad you did the farther you get in the dares.  

  • She is going to harden back up after having some good moments like at the movies.  She let her wall down, then as the night came closer to an end, she realized it, and then had to justify her behavior by putting her wall back up.  

    Things get worse before it gets better.

    She will be on a roller coaster following her emotions, while you remain consistent in building your testimony in doing the dares.  As she follows her emotions up and down, you lead your heart, not letting your emotions lead you.  She needs to see you stay consistent in this.  For a period of time.  

  • I’ve tried my best to do everything to remain in the house but she told me last night that if I remain here right now she will end up hating me and she doesn’t want it to come to that.  I will still see her everyday since I will get my son everyday from school and she told me to bring him home and I can leave after she gets home.  She also asked me grocery shopping if I’d like to have dinner here a couple nights this week to which I replied that would be completely up to her cause she know she I’d rather have dinner here but it’s what she wants right now not me.

  • In prayer, see where God leads you, to stay in the house or go.  Of course pray upon anything any of us say before following what we say.  

    I would suggest delaying moving out if that  is your intention and really stop initiating all texts and conversations she doesn't start or aren't necessary, and do not try to stay in the same room with her.  If she's doing dishes, don't find a reason to stay in the kitchen just to be near her.  If she's in the family room watching tv, go to another room to read the bible, if she's outside watering plants, stay inside, anything to keep from spending time together to give her space.

    These are my thoughts, in prayer seek God's wisdom.  

  • Thanks for all your encouraging words Tim it is very nice to be able to talk to people on here who are experiencing or have experienced the things I’m going through.  I think the best thing for us right now is for me to go stay with my parents because we have a small house and with our son it’s really hard to give her the space I still will see her everyday cause I will have my son til she gets off work and we are gonna try dates as well.  I’ve just got to keep praying for god to bring me peace and that I know he knows what’s best for us and pray for him to bring her peace and for her to be able to be happy again.  I know she’s seen the changes in me already and I know right now they don’t mean anything to her cause I’ve changed in the past to make her happy and when she was happy I’d fall right back where I was and that’s cause I did the changing alone.  This time I have god helping me and I know that he can make me change to be more like him and that’s all that matters as long as I can grow closer to him and try to live for him he will allow everything to fall into place for me.

  • I'm going to be completely honest so please don't take anything I say as negative.

    I see you doing a lot of the same things I did. Most of them turned out disastrously.

    The dozen roses probably didn't send the message to her that you intended. It's not a normal thing and it's not something you could do on every date. She more than like sees it as you trying to buy her love.

    Let her do all the touching. Continue to give her space. She is confused. So are you a little. You know you want to touch her but unsure of her reaction so let her be in control for now. It's hard I know but she really needs this space she talks about. More than you think.

    I slept on the couch on the days my wife came home (she would leave for up to 5 or 6 days a week) and after much debate I made the decision to sleep in our bed and forced her to make the choice to sleep elsewhere. I felt good about that decision but just last week she told my mother her version of that story. In her version I was trying to "force" myself on her. Just be aware that anything you do will be under your wife's microscope so you have to make very good decisions. At some point she may bring up these little things and possibly exaggerate them into major conflicts.

    When she asks for a drink, only get her a drink. I bought my wife a nice necklace for Christmas and gave it to her about two weeks before Christmas and she told our daughter that even though she loved it she was not going  to change her mind. Everything out of the ordinary you buy her will be looked at as an attempt to buy her love.

    If you do decide to go stay with your parents make sure you tell her that it's a very difficult decision for you to make. Make it clear that you are doing it FOR the marriage and it in no way signifies that you are for separation. Although the Bible does say husband and wife can separate for a while for prayer. (1 Corinthians 7:5)

    Read you Bible and do your studies but don't throw it in her face. I upset my wife terribly by going too far with scripture. I truly believe it but tried to force it upon her. It did nothing but confuse her because I wasn't like that before. Last week my wife just asked my sister why I am so interested in church now when she had to beg me to go to church our entire marriage. My sister didn't have an answer for her. I can say that now, after this tragedy, my eyes have been opened but my wife will not believe that for a long time through my actions.

    Seriously consider a Christian marriage therapist. Someone to help you both put things in the right place.

    Again, everything I am telling you is based on my personal experiences. I'm not saying I'm right but in my situation I believe a lot of what I did was a mistake. The main thing you need to see is that God CAN fix this, but you have to step back, be still, and let Him work.

  • That’s what I’m trying to do I’m gonna give her the space she wants and I’m gonna do the dares how they are intended and try to do nothing more and nothing less. I’m gonna work on my relationship with god and let him put the pieces where they need to be.  He knows what’s best for us and I have to trust in him

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