Collaborate without boundaries

Day 8

  • Comments 6

I’m new here and this is my first journal entry.  Me and my wife have been married for 7 1/2 years.  Our last year or so has been rough but the last few months have been the worst.  At the first of February my wife told me that she was no longer in love with me and that she resented me for the way I have made her feel unloved for so long.  I would neglect her and my son and put all my focus on me and what I wanted to do and all I would do was get mad and yell at them.  I started praying about 3 weeks ago and going to church something I haven’t done in our entire 11 years of being together.  A few weeks ago I talked to my supervisor to let him know what was going on so he would know what was affecting my work he’s also a minister and he introduced me to the love dare and the movie fireproof.  Me and my wife watched the movie together last week before I started reading the book and the movie really hit home with me but didn’t seem to affect her.  I’m on day 8 of the love dare and the dares have not been hard for me cause after I started praying to god he opened my heart back up to my wife and I love her more now than I ever have.  But each day I do the dares and my wife’s reactions seem to be getting worse.  She told me last night that she doesn’t even want to be around me and that she’s wanting me to go stay with my parents and that we can try doing some date nights to see if it will re spark her feelings.  But she tells me she needs her space it’s just very hard to give someone space when all you want to do is wrap your arms around them and kiss them.  And with each day she seems to be trying to push me further and further away.  Today the burning of the list was easy especially since the only 2 things negative about her I could think of were both things caused by me.  I gave her praise for the car we had recently gotten her cause she had been wanting it for a while we got it last weekend cause she was needing a car and since we bought it each day has got worse.  I feel like I have completely lost my wife and that she’s already got her mind made up on what she wants.  I do have a small sense of joy and hapiness cause I’ve finally created a relationship with god and it’s hard to not have a sense of joy when you love someone as much as I do my wife.  But when I get around her her attitude towards me just brings me down and makes me depressed.  I’ve been praying everyone night and morning for god to lay his hand on us and to help me be selfless instead of selfish since that’s where most of our problems came from.  I ignored her telling me for the last year that if I didn’t help her try to fix our marriage that her feelings for me would change and now they have and I’m scared that I’m to late.  I used to put her over everything I fell in love with her at first sight and knew within the first month of dating I wanted to marry her.  I used to do anything I could to spend time with her and did little things everyday to make her feel special.  I’m trying to do those things now since god has opened my heart back up to her but it just seems everything I do just drives her further away.  Some days I feel like I chip away a little at the wall she’s put up only for her to build it back even stronger.  I’m just scared I’ve already lost my wife and she’s the love of my life 

  • Hi Howie I am new here too. :) Don't give up. Keep trying every day. Remember thus is a marathon not a sprint... actually it's a life style change. Keep journal and don't be afraid of tomorrow. God will lead us through.



  • Realize this is a journey between you and Christ, not you and her.  she will be used as a tool to mold you to love as Christ loves.  Do a dare a day, no more, no less.  Anything more than a dare a day will push her further away and build her wall up stronger and higher.  

    do not change the dares to make them easier. Do not read ahead in the book except the appendix, especially about leading the heart.  

    It will get worse before it gets better.  For a few reasons.  You getting in her space.  (you do this to find comfort in her vs just seeking comfort from God.)

  • you will look for reactions from her when you do the dares, and when she gives you negatilve or no reactions and does not meet your expectations of her appreciating what you do, you will feel frustration.  She will think all the things you are doing are a ruse to win her back and then when she caves in, you will go back to the old you, because she thinks no one can change like this long term.  and if/when she begins believing the changes might be real (have no expectations of how long this will take,) he will be mad thinking, why wasn't he always like this?

  • what needs changed in you will be accomplished if you do the dares as they are intended to be done.

    Do not move out.  If anyone moves out, let it be on her.  Do not divide where the dares are showing you how to show unity.

  • Your story sounds very similar to mine. I did many things wrong when my problems started. Go back and read my journals, which will take a very long time. You will see mistakes I made that ended up making things worse.

    I would suggest to do what your wife wants. She needs that space. She also needs to SEE change in you. Your words will NEVER change her mind. I completely understand wanting to hold her. It never goes away. I know I'm saying things you don't want to hear. I didn't want to hear them either and I did what I felt I needed to do and it pushed my wife to file for a d, which I am trying to fight by postponing as long as possible.

    I can tell you that reading your Bible and praying everyday will be the most beneficial thing you can do. Form a support group also. Your supervisor/minister sounds like a great place to start.

  • She says that me being in the house makes her resent me more because I’m not able to give her the space she needs right now.  She’s wanting me to stay there to so she doesn’t have to worry about us talking about the past or me trying to show her affection she doesn’t want right now.  I’m still gonna see her everyday cause I’m going to pick our son up from school and have him til she gets off work.  And when I asked her if me going to stay with my parents was us separating she said no that it was just us getting some space.

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