Collaborate without boundaries

Day 17

  • Comments 5

So I got home last night after work. We didn't really speak but before bed time she came to me and said there are so many things that she wants to say but she knows I want to get rid of the past. I told her that there is no problem I am more than willing to listen. As she started lashing out I just sat there listening until she was done speaking. She was in tears and I understood and then tried talking to her about it etc.

She met someone when she was away for 4 months on a course and she says she started having feelings for him (she only started having the feelings now recently) and said I must understand that she is not leaving me for him. 

She has a tendency of "living" in the past and can not let go. I sort of quoted the book about the appreciation room and that she must just try to everyday perhaps take one positive thing and focus on that.

She also asked me why I never changed when she asked me to etc, and I told her that no one merely changes upon request. It takes one to make the commitment to change oneself.

I also told her that she could perhaps try and invest the time that she is using to talk to him in our family. When I said that she lost it and told me that I could also have invested the time that I did on pornography in our family but I never did. This hit me hard as I know that I had a problem and I have fixed it but she still sees me in that light.

She says she has not gotten any feelings back for me whatsoever no matter what changes I have made and I can understand that.

I am honestly trying to be a better man for my family and have grown so much in Christ in the past few months but she looks past that and is caged in her past.

I get that it takes time and I know God's timing is perfect BUT me being human I feel like time is running out.

 

God bless you all.

 

  • The only thing you can do is continue to live in the present. If she wants to live in the past she's going to have to get over that. Until she does it will eat her up.

    That other guy will only make her "happy" for a short time. If she can't fix her relationship with you then how does she expect another one to work? It's the million dollar question. It's such a difficult situation because they will never understand until disaster strikes. We know she needs to LEAD her heart not LISTEN to it but she will have to discover that on her own. My wife says her feelings are gone also. For nine months now and they aren't coming back. I can tell you that last year at this time I hated my wife and after reading many books, including my Bible, I have forced myself to love her and those feelings came back even though she continues to push me away. So it can happen. That love can be restored but she has to want to do it. My wife has specifically said she doesn't want to try and until something happens that makes her think otherwise her pride will continue to rule her life.

    There's a place in the Love Dare you will read at some point that says this process could take weeks, even years. This journey is a lifetime but results will take time. Work on yourself. Your physical, mental and spiritual health. Take this time to be a man she can't resist.

    "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"

    Romans

  • She will justify she did talk to this guy or justify if she is still talking to this guy.  And when she, if she hasn't already broke the bond she has with him, she will grieve for the lost relationship.  

    What she did by making an emotional bond with this guy is wrong, but she will do her best to downplay this situation.

    Pray this bond is broken.

  • Every time she wants to talk about your past, listen and bite your tongue, showing patience, just as you did.  There will be a time I am sure your flesh will think, this is enough, how many times can I be called out on the same things?  And you will want to put your foot down and say no more bringing this up, that you have apologized enough and have changed and no longer should have this thrown in your face.

    but, resist the flesh acting out like that and giving her more fuel to come at you with.  

  • Next time she asks you why you didn't change in the past, use this as a time to  share testimony. That you found the journey you need to be on with Christ. And  when you chose to put Him first, everything else began falling in place.  Or however you want to share your testimony.  

    As Eddie said, she needs to see your changes long term.  Right now she doubts you really changed and may think it is  a short term ruse to just  win her back and then when she caves in you will go back to your old ways.

  • She's doing the best she can to keep her wall up.  She is doing the best she can to remain numb at best toward you.

    Trust in  God's  timing.  It  is perfect.

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