Collaborate without boundaries

Day 4 and very confused

  • Comments 9

Before I start I need to say that after Tim gave me advice and after reading a Journal he suggested it came to me that I too started this journey with selfish intent. I have made up my mind and have made right with God by putting him first, before my wife, and it almost felt like something very heavy was lifted from my shoulders at that moment.

Of course this will still take some practice and getting used to but as I drive (I drive quite a bit for work) I pray permanently and keep re-affirming His position in my life.

So today's dare went very smooth. She obviously said there is nothing that I could do for her etc.

She called me later during the day asking me what my plans were. Me being confused asked her to wait till I get home and then we can discuss. I got home and she started the same story that I need to start moving on as she wants to continue on her own and does not WANT to try and save the marriage. That is all, she does not give me a reason anymore except that she cannot continue as we both have gotten hurt in this relationship. She also told me that she handed her docs in at the lawyers to get the divorce process started yesterday. We spoke and I might have said one or two things that I shouldn't have (I did not fight and did not put it in a negative way) but it upset her anyway. Afterward however she said we need to start being more friendly with one another as we have kids and since then she has actually started treating me like a human being again. She is making jokes and acting quite casually. 

I am not sure how to react to this.

  • In all things right now, be content in Christ and seek all comfort from Him.  The allure of finding comfort from her is very tempting, but her allure right now can trap you from seeking Christ first.  and she will be on a roller coaster.  one minute being the wrath that could start ww3 and the next the nicest person that can end violence in the middle east.  

  • So, as she goes up and down, following her emotions, you do not follow her path, but the journey Christ has placed before you, by leading your heart in the pain you will feel.  And being consistent in doing the dares.  That is key right now.

    You may or may not have said or worded things the best.  But even if you did well with your wording, she will twist and strike by turning things around.  She will use everything against you at times.  

    Part of the reason is she wants control and to justify herself , and also to get you to go down the roller coaster ride with her, so then she can say see, this just wont work and try to use that to justify a d.

  • The marital covenant is written on her DNA, and she will have a hard time battling that.  And God is working in her.  But she has free will, and God will not take that away. So pray God's will is done in her life.  

    That's great if she stays friendly, but she will probably resume her angered ways soon, even for just a moment or so.  And when she does you bite your tongue, Be still, trust God's work in this, and seek His comfort, wisdom in all of this, and His strength.

    As you do the dares she will see the changes, but probably will not acknowledge the changes.

  • But things may get worse before better, but it will be okay when you place God above her.  God has a lot to say to her before any finalization happens.  

    Enjoy the moments she is kind, but make sure you thank God for those moments and let Him know you enjoy Him all the more.  And when she goes down the coaster, you remain on the path to Christ showing His love through patiience and kindness.

  • You made some realizations early on in the dares, that is good.  

  • Ditto! I can relate to this. My wife says the exact same thing. As time goes on the excuses become more and more. Once one is proven wrong she'll come up with another one. My wife semi-moved out and told our marriage therapist (before she quit) that she was afraid I was going to kill her. (As far as that's concerned I think it's delusional.) Then two weeks ago she moved back in full time. Proving that her excuse was unfounded. There are three things she can do at this point- get a d, live in a bad marriage, or work on the marriage. Working on it is by far the hardest and also the most rewarding. The other two are very immature. We know this but in their state of mind they don't care. They just want out. It's the easy way. It's the world's way.

    All you can do is work on yourself. Physically, mentally and spiritually. Put God first, way up there. Nothing else should even be close to Him. Read your Bible. He will tell you what to do in every situation. Above all, love your wife unconditionally. Expect nothing from her but freely give all of your love.

    "Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart."

    Psalm 37:4

  • Well that journal entry was hardly uploaded and she already had a swing in moods. I still need to grasp the leading the heart and putting God 1st completely as I can feel the ups and downs but it is already much better than it used to be. I am trying to remain patient and kind as best I can. Still needs some practice but I think I am getting the hang of it now.

    Eddie my prayers are with you bud.

  • Remember to ask for her forgiveness when you say something you shouldn't. It's good that she is treating you more friendly. I see that you commented that she already is acting more hostile again. This may be because she is having a hard time setting aside her feelings for you when she is being nice to you.

    Thank God for the moments when things are good and trust Him in the moments when they're not.

  • "This may be because she is having a hard time setting aside her feelings for you when she is being nice to you." So is this a deference mechanism on her side if I can call it that. I am very apologetic at this stage with regards to anything I say that she feels is wrong.

    I am a lot more intent as well when listening and don't interrupt at all when she speaks (can't say that she gives me chance to really speak)

    I know that all of this is going to take time but I can see a huge difference in how I am now already compared to how I was in the past.

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