Collaborate without boundaries

Feeling scattered

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It took me 2 days to complete the dare for Day 22 Round 2.  He kept avoiding being alone with me, went out two nights in a row and slept in our sons room that has an extra bed.  So, last night I texted him after I went to bed.  I simply wrote. "I wanted to tell you something.  I love you.  No matter what you do, I will never stop loving you.  Even if you don't love me in return."  -  No response.  

This morning, I was almost excited that I got to go to Church.  I'm finding that I need it so badly and miss it through the week.  I'm angry with myself that it took this awful thing to happen for me to get with the program.  Small groups sign ups start next week.  I need that so much.  I hope they have one that fits.  

My husband was already up and we were both cordial.  He made breakfast for himself as I got the teenagers ready for church.  My, now sixteen year old (he had a birthday Friday) didn't really want to go, but I hugged him, told him I loved him and really wanted him to go to church.  He said ok and didn't put up a fight.  I made us all some bagels and schmear and the three of us were off.  It was a great.

I told myself and God that I would go up for prayer at the end of service.  The opportunity was there.  But I was not obedient.  This is a real fear for me.  I don't like attention and I know that as soon as I go up for prayer, I'm going to pull the ugly cry.  I don't want my son to be embarrassed either.  

We went to the store on the way home to pick up a few things, one of which were some chips.  My husband mentioned that morning he had purchased some chips and they were all gone and he hadn't had any.  We had a bunch of teenagers over for our son's birthday party and some of them lingered throughout the evening.  There wasn't much food left in the house period.  I asked him if he wanted me to pick some more up.  He said, "don't bother".  I went ahead and picked some up while I was at the store.  

We got home and I saw that my husband made himself lunch.  I whipped up some lunch for me and the boys.  I cleaned, did dishes, etc.  He was unpacking some of his things and mentioned some ideas for what pictures should go where.  

At one point, he had an argument with the 16 yr old.  My husband was being kind of rude and the 16 yrs old called him out.  He told our son to go to his room which resulted in a slammed door.  I went in after our son and told him he cannot slam doors and he should not have butted in to the conversation his Dad was having with his brother.  He was upset and crying and stating he thinks his Dad is such a jerk sometimes.  I just changed the subject and asked him to put his clean clothes away.  This is something that I have struggled with even when things were fine.  Sometimes my husband does speak with disrespect when it comes to the kids.  I think he sounds like his Dad when he does this.  It's the whole, "it's my way or the highway" and "you're going to respect me regardless of how I treat you".  Not that I haven't had my share of problems with the boys' but my approach is different, less confrontational.  Sometimes I think he acts like a kid himself just wanting to get the last word in.  

Later he took the other son to the batting cages as spring training is right around the corner.  I cleaned some more and put up the pictures while he was gone.  This was a task for me emotionally as some of the pictures are just the two of us.  I of course want to put them up but I have mixed emotions.  When I see them, I feel bad.  And I don't want them to bother him either.  Not sure what to do.

Day 23 Round 2 is to give up an addiction that is keeping me from my spouse.  I don't really have any that I can think of other than some tv shows that he hates me watching.  They really are trash and give no productive value.  So instead, I spent the evening watching football.  He was in his lazy boy and I was on the couch.  We just watched in silence.  The boys would come in and out.  

The boys' snacked off and on throughout the day, so I opted not to make dinner.  We all made for ourselves.  My husband had started his laundry but kept forgetting it.  So, I folded the clothes when they were finished in the dryer.  He later saw that this was done and thanked me.  

Even though we have been cordial, I kept feeling that sense of, He doesn't want to be here.  He doesn't want to be with me.  But I kept being kind.  

Just a few minutes ago, he came in as I was writing this and asked what I was doing.  I said, "nothing".  He still does not know I have been doing the LD.  As he was leaving the room, he asked if I wanted to have dinner tomorrow.  He wouldn't really look me in the eye and had a stern look on his face.  I said, sure. He said we really haven't talked about things and he would rather us not talk when the kids are home.  GULP!   OK?!  My stomach is in knots all over again.  I was having such a good day trying to stay in a calm and peaceful place.  

My wedding anniversary is next Sunday.  I was hoping I could go the whole month of January without talking to my husband about next steps.  I am dreading the dinner tomorrow.  I don't want to go.  I fear I will fall apart in public if he says he is moving forward with a D or even a separation.  Especially on the week of our anniversary.  I know our spouses are in such a black hole of selfishness that they don't care about dates.  But I do.  I'm probably going to be deep in prayer today and tomorrow.  

 

 

 

  • Try not to have expectations, good or bad.  They don't know their own minds.  You can't predict them.  Here's a challenge - determine that you will react the opposite of what he expects no matter what he says.  The answer is likely cool, calm, and collected.  He's moving out - cool, calm, and collected.  He wants to fix everything - cool, calm, and collected.  He says nothing about anything important - cool, calm, and collected.  You can't lose with that approach.  Just something to think about.  You can cry or rejoice, but you don't have to do it in front of him.  Give me an approximate time and time zone for tomorrow night - I will pray for you!

  • I will try.  It will probably be around 6:00pm CST.  Thank you.  

  • Could you have gone into your son's bedroom and said what you text to complete the dare?  Maybe leave out the part about even if you don't love me in return for your son's sake.  but it would then be done in person, and it  would be a good lesson for your son to hear you say you love your husband.

    As Lynn said, have no expectations about the dinner.  Love believes the best. he may very well just want to have dinner or say that he is trying but is confused or frustrated, nothing bad.  They so often say they want to talk then have nothing to say, or like Lynn said, they really don't know what they want or what's going on inside themselves.

    Keep doing as your doing, showing patience and kindness.  And when things appear they are going well, don't try to push his car up to your car.

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