So after my breakdown yesterday I have decided to deactivate my FB account. That account is assuredly an idol in my life. Most peoples lives, really. But also, if it is going to be revealed to me that my husband is indeed in an affair regardless of whether it is physical or emotional, I do not want it revealed via FB.
I thought about things all night and prayed all the way home this morning. Just as I was arriving home, my husband was coming back from taking our son to school. He was angry with me. This is the first time he's ever been just nasty. He just wanted to get dressed and leave for work, even though it was early. i couldn't help myself but ask what had happened since we last spoke? He did not want to talk. So he went to leave but then came back and decided to talk.
He was angry in his tone. Basically he feels trapped because he is finally realizing that he cannot afford to live on his own without making the rest of us suffer financially. He handed the finances over to me willingly at the start of our marriage. That's 23 yrs folks. And while he says he isn't blaming me for our current financial situation, he wonders if he had a handle on things, he could find a way out easier because he knows I'm not going to help him with finding a way.
He says he just doesn't have anymore to give to this relationship. And he knows he doesn't want to talk with a Christian because they will hold him accountable. He'd rather go to a nonbeliever and have them tell him what he wants to hear. And the fact that I want to go to a Christian Counselor for the same reason is somehow worse?!
He acknowledged the change in me and said he wished I'd have made these changes 10 years ago. That it's too late now. He says that this new change seems disingenuous. He does blame me for years of being disinterested with Church and him. He blames me for the years of depression which made me hard to be around. He never knew which wife he would come home to day after day. And now all of a sudden, I'm this loving, caring, understanding, soft spoken wife. He doesn't quite believe the change. I explained that I can only apologize for the past and try to move forward and that with time, maybe he will come to accept this change in me is truth. I also took a big chance and told him that I think he is running from God right now out of pain. And he's never going to find peace the more he runs. As hard as it was to say, I also told him that I am more concerned with his walk with God than our marital outcome. That was HARD to say. I struggle with it still. But I don't want him to be unhappy. I don't want him to be in pain. I love him and want him to be happy. Of course, I want him to be happy with me, but If God wants this marriage to end, it will end. Especially if it means that we are both closer to Him.
All the way home I kept the radio off so I could just be still in the silence and pray out loud to God. But a song kept coming to mind. Part of a Church song.
"You're never gonna let, you're never gonna let me down" - I just kept singing that over and over the last half of the drive home. Then I sang Amazing Grace.
Lord, Thank you for this encounter this morning. You have already done so much in my life. I am a sinner and need to constantly repent for my faults, selfishness, unbelief......
I pray you allow my husband to see this change in me is YOU and believe what you are doing in my life. That Your timing is never wrong. That it's never too late. I lift my husband up to you and ask that you speak love, acceptance and truth into his heart. Bring your Holy Spirit and comfort him. In Jesus name I pray. AMEN!!
Elk, a lot of what your husband is saying, mine said to me too. We accept responsibility for our part, but the selfishness of their mid life crisis does not allow them to accept their part. They want to find someone to blame because they are unhappy. Continue talk to God and pray for guidance. Those Christian worship and gospel songs keep me going, continue to find comfort with them. Prayers to you.
things will get worse before they get better. And this is where it is so critical to stay as consistent in your testimony in doing the dares as possible, so that he sees that this isn't just temporary or a ruse to just win him back. It will take you being consistent for a time before he begins to believe the new you is the real new you.
He has a new frustration now. It is the new you. For one, he's wondering why you weren't always like this. And two, now he has to justify why he isn't happy with a kinder, more patient wife that is now showing love.
God doesn't want this marriage to end, but he gave you both free will to choose. Pray both of you are within His will.
Sharing testimony of how he can find peace in Christ was a good thing to do. But do not keep bringing up the point he is running from God. He is, he knows it, you confirmed it, let God deal with it.
I think that conversation needed to happen. It should open doors for future communication. I agree about wanting our spouses to walk with God is more important than restoring our marriages. God is concerned with your life after more than he is with your current life. So we should with each other. Christ comes first, then family. I pray that my wife returns back to God. I know if she did she would return to the marriage as her belief in following God was so strong. She is caught up in the world and those influences around her. So those things could drag her down a bad path, and that could be bad for her. So her walk with God, is more important than anything. So should the same be for your husband.