Collaborate without boundaries

Helpless and Abandoned

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I am at a loss today.  Things are getting worse.  Maybe in my own eyes anyway.  I am in Round 2 and today am supposed to do something out of kindness, when all I want to do is yell and scream.   

We had a meeting first thing this morning with all of our 15 year olds teachers.  The consensus was that he is acting out in most of his classes.  While he's always done this on and off again, recently it has gotten worse.  His grades are being effected as well.  Not to failing, yet.  There was a behavioral specialist in attendance and a plan will be put into action at the start of the next semester.  Everyone was in agreement he is a good kid and a good plan will work wonders.  After the meeting I spoke with the behavioral specialist as she was going to sit in on some of his classes and observe.  I thought it best to let the specialist know that we were having marital problems and our son was aware and that my fears were that this can be the cause of the acting out worsening recently.  She agreed and was thankful I told her.  My husband was not within ear shot of this discussion.  

My husband and I talked later and I expressed how I thought the recent marital problems have probably had an impact in this behavior and he acknowledged that as well, but simply said he wasn't going to quit on our kid and that he should be fine.  I was so upset by this point that all I really wanted to do was yell at him, "No, you won't quit our kid, but you'll quit the marriage."  "How do you think our sons feel when you do that, to their mother."  

This afternoon, I noticed that my husband changed his name on his social media account and also took off that we were married.  That hit me like a brick.  I was immediately emotional, irrational.  Asking God, Why???  I am a mess, with no one to talk to.  I call him.  At work.  The conversation does not go well.  He obviously does not want me calling him at work with stuff like this.  We work opposite schedules and there is never any time to talk.  He repeated his intentions that he has not made a decision but will in the coming weeks.  He of course, says he didn't know he changed his marital status on the social media site.  Yeah, right!!  I feel he is slowly making plans to walk, if even only in his mind.  That he has no intentions of staying with me.  Even he doesn't know how he will support himself apart from us and keep his financial commitment to his family.  I just want to scream!!!  At him!!  Tell him I hate him.  Tell him I hate what he's doing to our family.  I want to tell all of his family was he's doing.  I want him to repent.   Yes, this is all I, I, I.  I'm so scared. 

Oh God, help me through this and see what you want me to see, hear what you want me to hear.  My husband may be abandoning me but you will not.  I need you ever present with me now.  Please Holy Spirit come and hold me.  Give me peace.  Give me strength.  

 

  • Praying for you.  This is where you need to work on being like Christ.  Come from a loving place.

    1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (GNT)

    4 Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud;  5 love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs;  6 love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth.  7 Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.

  • Do your sons attend a youth group?  Our children love going to theirs.  The youth pastors and leaders keep a really good eye on them.  One called me the other day concerned about our childs wellbeing.  It's also nice to know other people care about them too.

  • We just started going to church again a few weeks ago.  My 15 yr old has not been interested in joining the youth group and I haven't wanted to push him.  It's hard since my husband does not go with us.  I think my 15 yr old is not interested in starting new friendships.  He doesn't want to open up and be vulnerable.  

  • I'd appreciate some thoughts on a conversation I just had with my husband.  

    I explained how the next couple of weeks are going to be stressful with the boys' mid year finals, holidays and the move and I would appreciate that he could refrain as much as possible from being unkind to me in that time.  I explained how I have been kind and loving towards him since he told me he wanted to leave and if he is sincere that he hasn't made a decision whether to leave or not, to stop doing these little unkind gestures that he knows could upset me.  

    He said he didn't think he was doing anything or being mean to me.  I said, I didn't say he was being mean to me but some of the things he was doing were unkind.  He said that all he could say in response to my request was, "ok".  

    I will continue with the dares as best as I can.  I atill love him and will continue to be kind and loving towards him.  I won't bring up any marriage discussions during this time as well.  I just want peace during this time.  After the Holidays and the move, he will make his decision and this roller coaster will either slow down, be stuck or we finally just get off.  

  • Don't be surprised the holidays come and go, the move comes and goes, and he still does not make a decision.  And he may not realize how hurtful he is being.  

    Read what Lynn typed on my journal entry about trying to get them to change.  Not saying you are trying to force him to change but it I think will do you some good to read it.    but I do think you are saying some things to bring comfort to you, and he isn't ready for that yet.  

    He wants space.  Calling him at work, about FB, wasn't the best thing to do.  And don't worry about that.  Most all our spouses have done it I am sure.  In fact, if FB is a temptation to snoop or potentially brings you hurt, deactivate your account.

    Take time to praise God that your husband is saying he wants to consider staying.  That he isn't adamant on leaving.  

    And you and I can work on what snaz pointed out what love is.  I sure can do more of that.

  • I would stop bringing up how much you have changed and everything that you have done for him.  Let the love of Jesus reflect off of you.  Imagine yourself in a mirror with everything you say and do, does what I do show the love of Jesus?  When you point out everything that you have done you are telling him how much of a better person you are than he is and he will continue to build up walls.  I know it is difficult as there are days that I want my wife to see all of the things that I have done differently but I also know that it will not help.  Go back to the first few days of the love dare and really reflect on what you can do differently in how you respond to him.

  • I completely agree with what Tim said - put no stock in what he says.  It will change with the wind.  It is not fair (I know those words don't accurately describe what it is) to have to live life this way, but you have to move toward having no expectations of him.  When you stop expecting, you stop being disappointed.  It is achievable.  There is peace in it.  Praying for you tonight!

  • Thank you all so much.  It means a lot to have the support of people that share the same value for marriage and God.  You just don't get that in the world.  I read Lynn's comment and definitely see where I have done that myself and just didn't realize.  I didn't intend to rub it in my husband's face but I can see how it comes across as that.  Calling him at work about the FB thing was not a good choice.  I knew when I did it but was too wrapped up in my pain to drop the phone.  I know these things push him farther away too.  I have considered deactivated my account as it does cause me more pain than anything.  I do use it as a bridge to my grown children but I may still need to step away for my own good.  I need to get back on track.  

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