Collaborate without boundaries

Day 40

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So it is day 40.  What a long journey it has already been.  I can honestly say that I am surprised that I completed it.  Praise God for that alone. 

Yesterday, I wrote "the letter" and gave it to my husband.  He read it, then found me and simply said, "Thank you". 

I was uneasy the whole day as I have been since Friday.  I went to Church.  The message was Jesus' claim, "I am absolute truth".  "Do not let your hearts be troubled.  You believe in God; believe also in me."

After returning from Church I went along with my day, wrapping Christmas gifts and continuing to pack for our move.  

When talking with the Elder in the Church I've been attending, he asked a question that has been on my mind ever since.  The Elder was also a police officer for several years before going into ministry.  As we spoke of my marital troubles and how best to seek counsel, the "investigator" in him asked if I knew of any infidelity on my husbands part?  I explained how I knew of none.  There was infidelity early in our marriage but I had forgiven him and we moved on and made a family together.  But now the question lingered.  My husband left to run an errand and when he returned, just sat in his truck on his phone, per usual.  It was dark and I could see right inside his truck from our second story bedroom window.  He has one of those cell phones with a huge screen and I noticed that he was on social media but then switched to the texting screen.  It looked like he had been texting long conversations.  I know it sounds crazy to think I could see all of that but the phone screen really is huge and it was the only thing lit up in the truck so I could see it really well.  

It weighed on me.  Is there someone else?  Who is he texting and why so long?  Why does he stay in his truck so long before coming into the house?  

When he finally came inside, I confronted him.  He denied texting anyone and said he was on youtube looking at music videos.  He says he waits until he is home and in our wifi so he doesn't use data to stream the music.  I could tell that he was angry that I was "snooping at him through the window" and that I was questioning his fidelity.  We continued the conversation and he point blank told me he was not having any kind of an affair, physically or emotionally.  He mentioned that during his counseling session, the counselor asked if he could ever see himself with another woman.  He said he answered, "not right now" and followed it with, "I will never have sex before marriage again."  

The conversation continued;  He explained that he feels like having sex before marriage was a mistake.  Getting married at 18 and 19 years old was a mistake.   Having kids so early compounded the mistake.  He said that he has discovered that making a life with me, was him trying to fill the hole left when his mother died when he was 15 years old.  Year after year, the hole wasn't getting filled.  And he would try other things.   Eventually he tried the Church.  But as he puts it that was just another "role" he played?!  WHAT??  What does that mean?  I knew he was struggling with his beliefs a little but I wasn't prepared to hear that.  

While I have always believed in Jesus Christ, I have never really walked the walk.  I have never read the Bible.   This is really a new thing for me and I have much to learn.  But in talking with my husband yesterday I realized that he is one of those people who knows the Word like the back of his hand and can use it however he chooses, even against me and our marriage.  He says that he's always loved me and still does love me but that he never loved me "well".  And he isn't sure if we can repair all the years of "should not have's". 

I was crushed.  I feel so unequipped to make any kind of educated argument for my marriage.  I feel like he is a Supreme Court Judge and I am a legal secretary. I think we were both exhausted emotionally and even though I wanted to keep talking, i knew he didn't and I shouldn't.  

Before bed, I went to say goodnight, kissed and hugged him and said I love you and always will.  

I will continue with another round of the love dare.  As hurtful as this is, there is still work to be done.  I still believe, if only in little shifts, that my marriage will be saved.  I also believe God has great plans for me regardless.  

  • The good news is the God we serve can and does work miracles in our lives, so be blessed and believe in His authority of scripture.  I did a lot of the same things your husband did.  I lied about the emotional affair I had for 18 months after I was confronted about it.  I still talked to the OW for 4 months after the confrontation.  I was torn.  I was being lied to by the devil.  I grew up in church, and like your husband, I knew a lot about scripture and could use it to get my way for things.  I felt on my heart God telling me to confess everything and up to that point I knew that my marriage was safe but God really put it on my heart to be open and honest with her regardless of what the outcome may be.  I told her everything and that night was my breaking point.  That night was when my real walk with our Lord began and I would not change it for the world.  I would love to take back all of the hurt I had caused in her and up until that night she was hopeful for our marriage.  The same night that broke me, broke her.  That is when she gave up and has been trying to leave for the last few years.

    Keep believing in Romans 8:28 and know that the testing of your faith produces endurance.  Keep reading your bible and building upon that relationship the He has wanted with you since before you were born.  All of us, men and women, are the bride of Jesus.  He is the only one that can fill our holes, not our husband, not our wife, not our children, hobbies, work, none of it...only Him.

  • Love believes the best.  So, believe him in what he said to you and the councelor about no other woman.  If God wants you to know something for absolute certainty you will know for sure.

    I was asked yesterday if I was ever unfaithful by one of the very few that know what was going on.  Just like the elder asked.  I think it is the way the world thinks.  there's a problem, lets ask the ultimate question, is there infidelity involved.

    He will justfiy every way he can why he is in the right in how he is behaving.  The problem he will face and he's facing it already, is that he knows his justifications do not hold water.  What he is saying is just opening the door more for Christ's convictions on him.

    Keep being patient and kind.  It's good you are doing a round 2.  I think you will see a difference from round one to round two in you and your walk with Christ.

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