So today was a hard one. Most of the day was uneventful. I slept a few hours in the morning as I worked last night. I woke up around noon and took our two boys to a wildlife sanctuary for a hike. It was a new thing for me. Something my husband complained I would never do. Well he never really asked if I wanted to ever go hiking so I guess I should try it so i know for myself if it's something I would do again. My husband had to work so off we went, the boys and I.
We picked the sanctuary because it got good reviews online. Of course when we get there, we didn't know anything about any of the trails and just picked one. Of course it was the longest trail and had all of the different types of terrain. I had to stop a couple of times to catch my breath but my boys' were awesome and didn't go too far ahead and didn't bicker with each other. All in all, it was nice. I will do it again but might pick a flatter trail next time and work myself up to that big one. We had lunch at a local cafe and continued to have a pleasant time.
We got back home and I started not feeling well. My husband called and I asked if he could pick some things up at the grocery before he came home. He agreed willingly.
He made dinner for us but did not eat with us. He ate in the family room and the boys' and I ate in the kitchen. I did the dishes and started on some items for my husbands family's Thanksgiving meal scheduled for tomorrow. I noticed my husband started hanging around the kitchen like he wanted to talk but he wouldn't say anything so I just ignored him.
He eventually said that the therapist suggested he try to "Talk" with me a few minutes each day "about us". He said he didn't really have anything to say but he thought he should ask if I wanted to talk about anything. Earlier he had brought up a movie that was coming out the weekend my other son comes home for Christmas leave and that he wanted to go the night the movie comes out. I told him I had to work that night and could he wait until the next night. My husband was not pleased with having to wait an additional day. I maintained my composer and simply stated if our son were given the choice, he would wait so I could go with the family. This would come up again later.
The talk continued for another hour or so. It ended up not being a very productive conversation however. He is still on the fence on whether or not he wants to stay. He confessed that when we got married, at 18 and 19 yrs old that he really didn't want to get married at the time. Not that he didn't want to get married period, but that even at the time, he wanted to wait but thought I would be mad and break up with him if we didn't get married. I know, even though he denies it, it's just another way to inadvertently blame me for this somehow. Other hurtful things would be said. And I would find myself struggling not to just end it with him. Instead, I reiterated my stance. I Love him and only him and want to stay married to him and work on having a loving and happy marriage with him.
He says he will make a decision about staying or leaving after we move into the new place at the end of next month. Before he had wanted me to give him a deadline but I refused to do it, sighting this is his decision not mine. He continues to be distant even in everyday conversation. I feel he's already made his decision and he's just getting his ducks in a row. However, I don't think he's really ready for what this will mean. He can't afford a divorce. So we'll be physically separated for a while. I guess that's the "things will get worse before they get better?" This makes me hurt all over again.
I go back to the dare for today (23) and pray. I don't really have any addictions that keep me away from God or my husband. God help me see where I have any addictions that keep me from you. Give me peace and strength to make it through another day, being mindful to be kind and patient. I look forward to Church tomorrow but give me strength to get through the Family dinner with my husband's family.
About the hiking. It reminds me of all the times I asked my wife to watch a football game with me for just part of the game. I watch about 10 games a year is all. This year only 3 games or so. She never would watch the games with me all those years.
But now, she knows a bit or maybe more about sports and wears football and baseball jersy's now and then. It hurt that she is now doing what I wanted her to do with me.
Your husband may feel the same way. So, next time definitely ask him to go and maybe decide not to go again until he chooses to go with you.
Next time he hangs out in the kitchen but doesn't start the conversation, be kind, and say something he can respond to. So it makes it easier on him to begin talking. He was trying and getting out of his comfort zone. Help him out a bit next time.
About the movie. yes, you are absolutely right he should wait for you to go see it. But during this trial, give in to small disagreements. Let him win these small things. It isn't fair, but it will show love and unity to him. and be another way for you to practice unselfishness.
Keep remembering he will bring up things that make no sense or try to justify why the marriage isn't working. Don't put any stock in the deadline he mentioned about when he will make his decision. That deadline can come and go without another word being said. He is just trying to justify his actions and thoughts by bringing up a deadline. Or trying to keep you off balanced. Do not let that happen so stay in Christ.
After I posted and prayed on this, a couple of hours went by. I noticed him hanging around again and he would just talk while I was cooking. We were up late. It was weird only because of what we've been going through. A year ago, that wouldn't have felt weird at all. We both decided it was time to go to bed and he gave a me a very long hug. It was nice. I was so Thankful just for the hug but was still scared at the same time. One of the things he mentioned about me that keeps passing my mind is that I always focus on the negative. He's right. I have done this so many times but especially now. Even though he says he's not sure if he wants to stay or go, I only focus on him leaving. But his actions speak louder that he's going that direction. Even still, I am praying on this daily. I catch myself every time and pray. I don't want to live that way anymore regardless of the outcome.