Collaborate without boundaries

Day 2

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Day 2. Love is kind. But first a recap of day 1.

The first day was hard because I had restarted the dare after a big blow up about our retirement fund yesterday. I am so stressed about money--money has always been a trigger for me. I grew up with parents who openly talked about "going to the poorhouse" and created a lot of anxiety for me around financial security. Unfortunately that didn't make me careful with money--I more rebelled against it because i discovered that my parents had a lot of money and their own issues about growing up in poverty and their fear of failure clouded their world view. I never wanted my kids to experience that kind of anxiety so shopping is my sin, and while I have gotten it under control I still tend to be bad with money. DH is as well--he can manage professional budgets but he's a spendthrift and just assumes that since he makes good money, he can go out and buy whatever he wants. We are not "stick to a budget people" and while I am half of the problem I feel like he never accepts his own responsibility in it.

So that is the set up. We were apart all day after I hung the phone up on him. I worked through the afternoon and he texted to tell me that he would be home for dinner (he was not due to be home). I was going to attack him on this matter when he got home but I held my tongue and simply told him that we had an appointment with our financial planner on friday. He was fine with that and we just quickly discussed how we just aren't "there" to contribute a ton of money a month into a retirement account like our planner wants us to---we are both consultants and our finances go up and down depending on the month and the year. 

We ended the evening peacefully and he even came to bed at the same time as me (he's a night owl). His blood sugar crashed (he's a type 1 diabetic) right before bed and I helped him get some emergency sugar and then offered to make him a sandwich. It was nice to fall asleep with his arms wrapped around me, even if he snored like a buzzsaw. 

So for day 2: kindness. we got up and took a 3 mile walk together and I let him guide the conversation--about one of his clients and I complimented him on how he handled a specific situation. We both took a break at lunch and I asked him what I could get him. We split a greek salad and read the headlines out loud to each other (we are news junkies).

I don't know if maybe he's catching on or looked at my browser while I was reading, but he seems to be trying. It's ironic that we are both in the communication business and are excellent communicators--except with each other.

After reading some of the posts here, I feel like the problems in our marriage are minimal--we deeply love one another, but there are trigger points that bring out the worst in both of us. For me its discussions about money and my thoughts that he doesn't realize the toll that his chronic illness takes on me as a spouse.  I want him to be more loving and see that love is a verb. But I also know that this is between God and I--I need to be patient and understanding, two things I'm not good at doing. ;) 

Anyway, thank you all for sharing your stories, and I am praying that you all find your True North.

  • Glad you came to the journals.  You are right and thank God for this, that your marriage is doing so much better than most of ours.  But the negative of that is that you will not initially feel the need to do the dares the best you can like us that have been hit with our spouses wanting a d.

    So, you must be ever more vigilant of not having expectations of  him, such as wanting him to  change, and not manipulating the dares to make them easier.  And to stick to the dares vs doing things like  hanging up on him.

  • If you continue to do the dares the best you can, you will see God move up on the list  and finances move down the list.  And your husband will see the differences in you. but may not say anything, wondering if these changes are real or just a ruse to get him  to change.  

  • Money is a relationship killer. Dave Ramsey has books and online resources you should look into. Things that couples can do to help manage finances. No matter how much money you make if you both see different ways to use it then bad things will happen. This is one of the huge issues in my marriage. My wife hates to spend money on anything and I don't see the point in saving.

    I pray that you don't get to the point some of us are on here. Some are already divorced and others, including myself, are just waiting for the judge to make his ruling. There are some great books that can help NOT get there. The Five Love Languages is great and His Needs Her Needs. I recommend those two at least. Strengthen your marriage before the devil gets his foot in the door.

  • I applaud you, elizabeth328! It takes a LOT of work to maintain a relationship--100% from both parties. Seeing and planning ahead to what  you want your relationship to look like and working your 100% towards that is commendable. I am in a similar situation...our marriage is 6 years strong and we have survived a prison term and epilepsy, but it can and needs to be better. I will keep you in my prayers and ask for you to keep us in yours.

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