Divorce feels worse than death.

At least if one of us were dead there would be no hostility. The kids wouldn't have to worry about as much. God I hate this.

The court ordered Nick (15) to move in with me because his mother can't handle him. That happens on December 27th. Caleb (18), Becca (16) and Trinity (14) already live with me and they actually don't want Nick living with us because he has a terrible reputation even with them. Then I have Aleigha (11) and Allison (6) every other week. I feel like the entire world is doing some Star Trek crap and imploding on me. I'm not 100% sure I can handle this. God doesn't tempt us with more than we can handle. Is this considered temptation? I spend a lot more time than a normal person on my knees praying to God for help but I still feel like an impending disaster is coming.

The worst thing is that I actually can't afford to take care of all of my children. I can't afford to feed them. My attorney is working on going back to court to get me more money from my Amber since the kids spend a significantly more time with me. I'm sure this trial will end in a few months but right now it has my anxiety at an all time high.

Then last night Becca went to her mother's house to clean in exchange for her mother paying for her fingernails. When she got back home she said i won't believe what her mom got me for Christmas. That's just confusion city. Why would Amber get me something for Christmas? She pretty much tried to destroy me for two years. I have to think it's a manipulation tactic. I don't trust her. I hate to say that but she scares me.

I'm not doing good. At some point all this pressure is going to affect me. I feel like I am one of the strongest willed people in the world and I have tremendous faith in God but there's a climax coming. I don't know if it's a Nicholas Sparks ending or Stephen King but something is coming.