Collaborate without boundaries

August 3, 2018

  • Comments 5

I know I must make an effort to lift my wife up no matter what she does. I'm trying. These last few days I have not been negative. Yesterday whenever the girls brought her up I would just start talking about old times, telling them about some of the fun things we used to do. It's a much better conversation than talking about current events. And like everyone says, my wife is creating her own demise without my help or input.

Trinity (14) has decided to continue with her therapist. I didn't speak with the therapist yesterday but Trinity told me what they talked about. I feel like the therapist did a wonderful job. She told Trinity that for a while she was on my wife's "side" but recently she has realized that both my wife an I have equal problems. She showed Trinity an email she sent my wife that said "Amber, I am not your therapist but here is a recommendation for a therapist of your own. I am here for Trinity and I can no longer continue this communication with you if it is not concerning Trinity." Trinity told her about this man showing up as the boyfriend immediately after the d and that it didn't make any sense. The therapist asked Trinity if that made her feel betrayed and Trinity said yes. Trinity said she doesn't trust her mom any longer. She also told the therapist about the pool party from a couple weekends ago. The therapist said she was unaware of the boyfriend or the pool party incident even though she has had a lot of communication with my wife. She told Trinity that people are not too willing to share things like this when it makes them look bad. She told Trinity that she needs to speak up to both of us if she has a problem with anything we do. She told her to tell her mom that if she doesn't want to be around this boyfriend that she needs to tell her that and that my wife does not need to involve them in her relationship with this man because of the circumstances and how the relationship started. The therapist basically told her all the things I wanted to but can't.

When we went to pick up Becca (15) in Columbus my wife texted Trinity and asked if she wanted to go to dinner the next evening. Trinity was hesitant because we had already planned to go school shopping. I told her if she goes we could just go school shopping Saturday and it wasn't a big deal. My wife then told her that Becca was going so Trinity said she would go too. So we picked up Becca and they started talking and the dinner thing came up. Becca said she didn't agree to go and showed Trinity the text messages to prove it. So all of a sudden the girls are mad because mom lied to them. I'm not sure how I am supposed to keep defending her when she keeps doing things like this to the kids. I told them to go anyway and have fun but to remember to speak their mind if they are not okay with something. Then this morning Trinity calls me at work and says they decided not to go. God knows I tried.

Late last night, maybe around 11:00, Trinity shows me Nick's (15) Snapchat story. He's showing off his money he has made working under the table for a local business owner that my wife knows and then he tells Trinity that he can buy an infinite supply of weed now. He's been sneaking out of her house at night and getting high.  I gave him three conditions to be able to move in with me (make good grades, play sports and stop doing drugs) and that didn't even last a day. I'm just lost with this child. There seems to be no helping him and with this divorce he just continues to play my wife and get his way.

Prayers for my wife continue. I pray for myself to gain the wisdom and strength necessary to defend her. It's hard but I am trying to go back to my reliance on God and God only to get me through this.

  • Great change in trying to present their mother the best way possible.  I know it is not easy with the evil walk they have chosen.  and it is so tough when the kids want to talk about mom.  you just know that you will hear things that will try to snap you out of the peace God has given you.

    And you know you don't have to  defend her wrongdoing.  And I think you said you know they know what she's doing is wrong so you don't have to point it out.  Unless they seem to get confused by the world's ways and then a kind reminder should suffice.  

  • I'm surprised a therapist would say she was on one person's side.  Such as on your wife's side.  That just doesn't seem ethical.  A therapist of all people should know many people will lie, manipulate the truth, or shield the entire truth from them so as not to paint a bad picture of themselves and to make the other person look worse.  

  • I think me raising concerns about the therapy and trying to set up a new therapist made this one look at the situation differently. I think it was bordering on unethical practices too and she probably realized this. What it accomplished was Trinity getting good, beneficial therapy yesterday, without being pointed one way or another. The therapist told her to spend time with both of us. She even suggested that Trinity spend a week with me and a week with her mom. And the therapist told my wife she needs her own therapist. I've been saying that for years.

  • You see, God is working through people that are not even related to the situation to bring about His will. Don't give up hope, your kids see the change in you, and the deceit in your wife, just seek and obey Him.

    Don't look at it as going back to relying on God but you are recommitting to let it be "his plan is time"

  • These are great changes... they give a good direction forward. Now, I know I seem like the bonehead pointing things out. But trust me, from my own past experience,  it’s needed.

    It is awesome that you offered to move the school shopping for them to go to dinner. But to enforce in their thoughts the therapists comment of speaking up is not your responsibility. In fact, it could simply be Satan’s way of still creating your agenda. So now your hole will be that the kids speak up always about the boyfriend and the relationship. That would be a manipulation. So pray on that and seek where your heart truly is by enforcing that comment.

    And here is another point to consider. Forgiveness. Where is forgiveness in all of this? I know it sucks to have to forgive those things, but it doesn’t mean you have to agree with the situation.

    My comments are directed toward your growth in your walk with Christ. Remember your wife is a tool in this journey. And from what I have seen, you have a tremendous tool that will test your faith almost daily. That is kinda of a joke but serious at the same time,

    The reason I point that out, is I comment on your walk, not so much about your marriage. The marriage part will be based on your walk and the growth of it. Doesn’t mean that it will reconcile, but as you can see you are still holding resentment etc... so you are only punishing you. And by doing that you cannot set yourself free enough to continue your growth.

    Go into prayer, pray for her, and PRAY FOR HIM... not the relationship, but Gods will in that situation and his life. And then, commit the whole situation to Gods will. Then move on to you. And your walk, seek discernment, clarity, and certainly the ability to forgive.

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