Collaborate without boundaries

July 30, 2018

  • Comments 6

Not much happened this weekend until Sunday. The kids and I hung out and had fun all weekend. On Saturday my wife asked them if they wanted to go shopping for school shoes on Sunday. They said they would. They also said they really didn't want to but they will let her spend her money on them with no problem. I'm turning blue in the face from telling them to respect her. Again yesterday I told them they need to respect her but they don't have to accept what she is doing. I told them they are allowed to voice their opinion. My wife has done this to herself. She's pushed the kids as far away as possible. Then she made it worse. Becca (15) went with them. It was the first time she's done anything with her mother in a couple months. She texted me after they left and said instead of going to the town we normally go shopping in they went to one further away in the opposite direction. It became apparent why when my wife's adulterous boyfriend showed up to have dinner with them. Becca was furious. She kept texting me about it. I was mad because she was tricked into this and I told her she didn't have to put up with it. I told her she can tell her mom this is wrong. The kids told me they made fun of this guy the whole time. He's an adulterer and divorced his wife after getting involved with my wife so whatever he gets he brought upon himself. My children do not need to be around him. Many people are going to say this is no longer any of my business but it certainly is. My wife and I both have brought our children up in church. She turned her back on God to have an affair but I am stronger in my faith than ever before so I will not tolerate this affair. Our children will never be taught to accept this as "something that makes her happy." It's sin. Plain and simple.

I messed up a couple more times too. When the kids came back from this fiasco they were complaining about this and that and I was getting upset listening to them. Becca was mad for being tricked, Trinity (14) said she didn't even get any shoes and Nick (15) got mad because I told him he can't move in with me yet. I made him pack his stuff up and go with his mom. I explained to him that his moving in with me is going to take time because we need to earn a new level of respect with each other. I told him that I did not trust him because in the last two years he got me put in jail and helped get a restraining order on me after that. Neither thing in which I was guilty of. She was sitting outside waiting for him and overheard some of what we were talking about, which is nothing but the truth, but she's still not ready for the truth. She heard me say I don't want them near her boyfriend because he had a part in breaking up our family. I think I have the right to say that because he is in an adulterous relationship with my wife and it is not a positive thing for our kids to witness. Then a little while later Trinity called her for some reason and had her on speakerphone. I don't even remember what she said but it prompted me to say "I never cheated on my spouse." She heard it, and like usual ignored it and started talking about something else.

I'm letting these situations get to me and I'm making choices to say hurtful things. Choices that I make so quickly that I can't seem to stop them. Earlier in the day yesterday the girls told me that they were supposed to dog sit for my wife's friend (who ironically is leaving her second husband right now too because he is "boring.") There seems to be some kind of divorce epidemic going around my town. My wife gave Becca the house key to feed and water the dog and Becca misplaced it. We looked all over the place but couldn't find it and when Becca told her mom she ended up getting upset because she said her mom was yelling at her and making a huge deal out of it. I listened to them go back and forth for five minutes and I finally said "hang up the phone, this is not that big of a deal. We will figure this out rationally." Becca kept going on about how stupid her mom was and I finally told her that her mom is upset and confused about many things going on right now so we just have to do our own thing and forget about her for the time being. I said a curse word because I was so upset and the kids eyes got as big as quarters. I'm getting so tired of the daily drama that my wife causes.

  • you're in new territory here.  Most leave the site before a d happens.  So, great job in staying standing.

    The courts say you are now d.  So, as much as I also would not want my kids around the other guy, I do not know if you can legally do anything about that.  You've prepared your kids and taught them the best you can, and your still being the testimony they need to see, that a d is not of God nor is adultery, emotional or physical.  

    Maybe God is using all the crazy things your wife is doing to be a sign for the kids to see that her choices with the other guy are a sin.  And this is only supporting your testimony.

    As this is a new area that hasn't been discussed on this site from what I remember, I haven't learned how to respond.  Because everything I say that ever makes sense I learned form this site, all the odd ball things I say are from my flesh.

  • At times I don't see how this could possibly get any worse. I am here because I 100% believe that with God all things are possible. If I can just force myself to make the choices that God intends me to make then I believe someday my entire family can be restored.

  • Eddie,

    I just want you to know you are not alone. I have been going through this with my daughter and her dad for a year.  We were divorced in 2008 and have always been good friends and at one time got back together unfortunately we did not have God in our marriage as we should have. But we have always been great friends and there for each other if needed.  

    He began to push my daughter to be around his girlfriend when my daughter didn’t want to. So it created conflict among them and among he and I. I was hurt that literally from one day to the next he ended our friendship because of his GF even though she was okay with our friendship prior.  So my daughter didn’t want to see him anymore. About four months into not seeing my daughter he broke up with the GF telling my daughter she was more important. So they had a great weekend together unfortunately he got back with the GF on the following Monday moved in with her three weeks later and married her three months later. It was such a blow to my daughter. I pray for both of them and for their relationship to be restored if that is God’s will. His wife is actually a nice person she has three daughters which add to the pain for my daughter because she thinks he left her to be their dad. Which is not the case I know but it seems that way. He truly loves this person and it happy with her.   My daughter has seen him four times in a year but just recently started responding to his text again and saw him two times this month.

    I have blown up many times about this in the past and I mean to the extreme. Since I started the dares I have not blown up with him about my daughter.  He has text that she is being distant again but I don’t get into it with him anymore. He will see it is coming from her now as he has always blamed me for this whole thing.  

    I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

  • Terarica,

    Thank you so much. I hurt just reading what you and your daughter are experiencing. I see our six children experiencing so many different negative things that their mother just doesn't see because of this other man. That's the only explanation for her behavior. The kids of all people do not deserve this. I want to wait but watching the kids go through this is a lot. At times I just want to take them and leave. I am nowhere near the same person I was two years ago. The dares really helped. My wife on the other hand, has refused any kind of help because all she wants is this other man. I know it won't last and I just hope I can wait.

  • Eddie,

    I truly believe this frustration that continues with your wife is something you really need to focus on in prayer. As you realize this walk is a journey with Christ, and with that He will take one thing at a time to mold you to where and what He wants you. And trust me, God is way more patient than we are... lol.

    Pray hard on this, seek out what God is teaching you through this, where are your weaknesses in this? Could it be when you daughter called her mother stupid, you didn’t stop her? Did you correct her? If not was it because at that moment your emotions from the affair were stronger than what was the right thing to do? If so, it’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it could easily be a thing that God wants you to see. And He wants you to still protect the purpose of honor, love and respect. In which, yes, it is your duty to guide your children. In the proper way of Christ and His ways.

    Also your wife is creating enough turmoil in her life on her own. Let God work my friend. It is time for your wife to make a decision. Either accept Christ or accept the world. It will get worse for her.

    When we pray, we are commanded by Christ, to first acknowledge the father.... then we are told to honor His greatness... (hallowed be thy name) but the next part is truly what we miss... or ignore...

    “Thy kingdom come, THY will be done” - we must submit everything to Him. In this we are told to give up our will for His... and whatever it is we are holding on to and not submitting to Him, we are not trusting Him to handle. So, we are now putting our will before His. Remember where we worry most we trust God the least.

    So in this instance, do as Christ has shown us. Go into your room, close the door behind you. Dwell for a moment on His greatness, this way you can really realize who it is your talking to... this is your God. The one that has made it possible for you to be saved from the fire of hell. This is the one that has made miracles possible. Then move to the next part. The part that you must give up and hand to Him. His will be done. Not ours.

    This is certainly going to be the toughest part of your growth to date. Because your pride is going to get stepped on. Satan will hit you with, what are your kids going to think? I have been there buddy, and it is not easy. But it must be done. Because simply as you know, and yes, I know you know this... this is not how Christ would handle this if He was in your shoes. Now if you have conviction on that statement. Then get busy in prayer. Even if it is an angry one. God already knows your heart, so don’t hide it. But focus on His molding you, your ability to let go and let God. But most important. The ability to stay in Gods will even around your kids when they are bringing the complaints to you. Love not only believes the best, it also PROTECTS....

    When the kids are involved s they are right now, it is difficult by multiples. So even thought this is going to be the hardest thing you have done to date, I assure you, if you can it will be the most rewarding to date.

    I’ll pray for you my friend, and on this path to sanctification, may your trials be handed to the father who wants each and everyone on His shoulders and not yours!

  • Got it loud and clear Sean. I know for sure what I need to do. I just keep letting the world and the flesh lead me.

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