Collaborate without boundaries

July 26, 2018

  • Comments 8

I prayed for my wife last night. I prayed for her this morning. I almost gave up on this a couple days ago but I think God showed me He is working when He let me find out about the couple of breakdown sessions she has had recently. One, when she was drunk Sunday and the kids and I stopped by to get some of their things. She was crying and asking them why they didn't want to do anything with her and said she can't take this anymore. Two, when Nick (15) told me she was crying at the kitchen table because she was working on the finances and didn't understand them. I told her things like this would happen because of the books I have read. Many people have gone through this before us and it's like a pattern that everyone falls into. It's easy to tell what is going to happen based on other's stories. She won't listen though. Whether she wants to admit it or not all of this was caused by the extra-marital relationship. Al the books and articles I've read say so.

Last night my mother called me and said that my wife asked if she would speak to me because the kids won't talk to her. I told my mom that I have urged the kids to do things with their mother for a long time but they told me to stop because they weren't going to do it. So I don't get involved anymore. My wife basically harasses the kids to the point that Becca (15) unfriended her on Snapchat. Last night my wife told Trinity (14) that Becca is just mad at her right now and she will get over it. Trinity told Becca that and it made Becca even more angry. I told my mom that I just can't deal with anything concerning my wife right now. I said she beat our children, cheated on me, turned her back on God and our family and shows no remorse over any of it. I can raise these children without her right now because she is doing evil. The only way I can tolerate my wife being involved is if she repents and gets saved because right now she is wicked in the sight of God. It is impossible for me to have a conversation with her because I want to talk about what happened. Why she cheated. Why she thinks it's okay. I can't just talk about moving on and what to do from here. If she wants to have any relationship with me she needs to explain herself and repent. There's no way she can continue in her sin and expect me to be okay with it. Worldly people will say she has the right to move on but that's not true according to God. What she did is wrong and she needs to fix it. There's only one fix, reconciliation. As hard as that may sound it is possible. Anything is possible.

My wife and her boyfriend painted and fixed up Trinity's room at her house and Trinity looked at it the other day when we stopped by. She said it was beautiful. I admit I was jealous because I can't do this for Trinity right now. I was afraid she would want to move in with my wife but I didn't say anything. Then a few hours later Jessica (19) messaged me and said Trinity sent her a picture of the bedroom and said "Look what she did. Does she think I'm moving back in?"

Since my wife told this new story of me bashing her face into the bathroom sink early in our marriage I have no idea what to think. She told Trinity that I raped her and threw things at her if she didn't want to have sex. She's making up stories so far fetched that I'm not sure if she can ever come back. I can't fathom how I could have done something like that and not remember it that way. She is so adamant about this stuff that if messes with my mind, making me think I'm crazy because I say it didn't happen. I fervently believe that with God all things are possible but it's going to take a lot of time and work to save her. I'm not helping because I just stay angry at her. I don't know how to stop myself.

I made mistakes in the last couple of days by defending myself so much against her allegations of abuse. I also shared too much with the kids about our finances because my wife told them she has no money and can't buy them anything. For some reason I felt the need to prove that she does have money and it appears she is just being greedy. I told them she is lying. Instead of protecting her, like a godly husband should, I attacked her. If I didn't believe there was a God I could move on but I do believe and therefore I have this unsolvable dilemma. I can't tell our kids this is okay. It's not. Adultery is not okay. Lying is not okay. There's just too much sin involved. I'm letting pride get in my way. This situation is bringing about way too much sin. My wife started talking to her boyfriend while he was married. He's divorced now. Two marriages destroyed. I just can't figure out how to handle all of this.

  • She is going to continue to have breakdowns, no doubt about it. It is a shame though since you don't want to see her go through all of that.

    I could be wrong here, but I do not think Hosea was asking questions and demanding forgiveness. Just moved forward, no questions asked.

    The fact she is spreading these lies is awful also. I have no idea what to tell you on that.

    All you can do is turn to God and ask for guidance. Then wait for an answer.

  • Thanks Bret. I know for sure I am doing this all wrong. Hosea was a much better man than me. I just can't seem to let go of this anger over her leaving me for another man. I am so terribly flawed.

  • We all are flawed Eddie. It is one hard road to walk, but God put you here for a reason.

  • God can break and alter those patterns you mention.  

    She is taking downward steps trying to make herself go upward in feeling good.  Just isn't working. She may ramp up even more so before she hits her breaking point.  Are you willing to keep standing even if God chooses not to give you evidence that brings you hope, such as hearing how she cried?

    She is having expectations, of the kids coming around becasuse she's buying things and painting rooms.  Its kind of like those notes you use to write.  These things do no good.  The kids want to see real change in her.  Not these things she's doing for them.  The difference is with you when you wrote the notes, you were changing for the better in Christ.  She's not changing.  huge difference.

  • Good point of Bret about asking questions and demanding forgiveness.  Just accept her wherever she's at in her life/walk.  Let God deal with the questions and forgiveness.

  • So, if she does not repent, you will not take her back? That is not a good statement, because that is not your business. That part is between her and God. You must pray for her, and her salvation. God will deal with that part. Your job is to love her as Christ loved the church. Period. You are to forgive, how many times? 7X70.....

    So, since you are struggling so much with forgiveness, start focusing your prayer on the ability to forgive as Christ forgives you. Pray for your children to forgive as well.

    All you can do is be a testimony of what Christ is doing in your life, you cannot in anyway shape or form control or manipulate her repentance or change.

  • Tim/Sean you are so right and I am so wrong. Standing for her through this is terribly difficult. I would take her back if she asked. If she wanted it. I would continue to lead by following Christ. You guys don't know how much pride I have. Or maybe you do because of all of these journals. My pride has destroyed everything. I am my own worst enemy.

  • Give yourself a break Eddie.  First, if it was pride, you did not intentionally sin.  You weren't thinking, I'm going to use my talent of being prideful.

    Don't think this negatively.  It's not being said that way at all....but....you may have a habit or a conversation style that tends to share to much information without realizing it.  And maybe this is what happened.  

    Regardless, your effort is going forward in Christ.  He certainly has to be pleased with that.  And remember, you received proof your testimony is being used.  That's great.

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