Collaborate without boundaries

July 25, 2018

  • Comments 4

This is a never ending story, and I'm not talking about the cool 80's movie.

Last night Aleigha (11) called Becca (15) from where she is staying. She went to stay a couple weeks with my wife's dad in Chicago. They were talking about an Apple watch. Becca has been wanting one for a couple years. So they started texting my wife asking her about getting one. Aleigha has saved a lot of the money and wants to buy one for Becca. My wife told them she couldn't get one for many different reasons. She said she doesn't have her own cell plan (she got off of ours and onto her parents last year when I accused her of cheating so I wouldn't be able to see her phone records anymore), she said she can't afford the monthly cost, she just kept giving them excuses. Then they started asking me questions about Apple watches. I finally told Becca that as soon as I can I will get her one but I just can't take the bickering anymore.

Becca unfriended or blocked my wife on Snapchat yesterday. I heard her say "I'm sick of mom messaging me all the time. She just doesn't get it."

Then Nick (15) said he has been asking my wife for a phone and she told him since she took most of our debt she only has about $100/month to spend so she can't get him one. He asked about the adoption subsidy that she gets for the kids and she said it all goes to bills. I showed him my spreadsheet I keep concerning our bills. I still have to keep track of what is paid because my name is on everything. There is one bill eight days past due right now that she hasn't paid. My spreadsheet is likely very accurate. It shows that she should have about $3,400/month after bills for food, gas, and fun. Nick got pretty mad at that point. He said she spends all of his adoption money on alcohol because she's always drinking. He said he feels like she is using him for money. The kids all came to an understanding that they stay with me but she gets all the adoption money and they said I buy them more food than she does. I feel justified in showing the kids my spreadsheet because I want them to see that because of this divorce and everything being split it makes things much more difficult than just staying together and fixing the problems in the marriage. I can't hide the fact that my wife is lying. I can't let her lie to the kids when I have the truth right in front of me. Nick told me he walked up to her in the kitchen one day and she was sitting at the table crying. He asked her what was wrong and she said she was working on the finances and she didn't know what she was doing. I told Nick and the other kids that the beauty of marriage is how well we worked together with things like that. I took care of the finances while keeping her informed of everything and she took care of many other things like meals and housekeeping. Marriage is such a beautiful thing that she just threw away. 

Finally Trinity (14) told me that my wife told her a story of me abusing her early in our marriage. My wife said one day she picked me up late from work, because we shared a car back then, and I was mad and when we got home I yelled at her, knocked her down, dragged her across the room by her hair and bashed her face into the bathroom sink. I almost flipped out when she told me that. I said "Let me tell you my version of that story." It was the middle of winter and I got off work and they locked the doors. I sat outside for almost an hour waiting. We didn't have cell phones back then. It got so cold I had to start walking to keep warm. I walked a couple miles across town to where she was working and right before I got to her work she picked me up. I was freezing cold and I did yell. I was very mad. When we got home I continued to yell but I NEVER laid a finger on her. I never have and I never will. I asked the kids to please never believe I have done anything like that.

I just don't get what's going on in my wife's head. I mean these stories are made up. I asked my therapist a few months ago if there is any way possible I could have been abusive and blocked it out of my mind somehow and he said no way. He said I would remember beating my wife. So I'm in a perpetual state of confusion.

I got up this morning and prayed for my wife and my family and all marriages. I hate this so much. I hate it for me. I hate it for my wife. And I especially hate it for our children.

  • I don't think you had to put things in black and white as you did showing them the numbers.  And the specifics of the finances.  They could have gotten the picture with generalizations.  Make sure you aren't justifying yourself so you look good and make her look less than good.  it is so easy to do.  One of our kids picks up on things my wife will say to me and say to her mom, Selfish!  And I give the daughter a look that says yes she is.  I need to stop doing that. Even if it's a joke between me and her.  

  • YOur wife keeps going to the extreme in painting aweful, madeup situations that happened.  She's not going to be believed before long. the truth will be seen.

    For a few years I had a coworker that kept painting a bad picture of his brother.  but after time, and it took a while, it became clear the coworker was lying or really exaggerating what happened.  

    Those that are mocked and ridiculed for God like is happening to you will be exalted in Him.

  • To add to what Tim said. Informing the kids as you did about the finances, that is none of the kids business... no matter what their mother says.

    Be a father first and friend second. And you can’t teach them to honor their mother when your giving them things that seem to be against them. And even more importantly, in your journey, what did you learn about love protects? Because there is no protection whatsoever for her as a wife, or a mother. Now I am not saying to justify what she says or does. However, their are ways to make sure the kids stay out of the entire thing.

    Just something to think about.

  • I know I was wrong. I was desperate to defend myself and I don't need to. God will do that. The kids know more than anyone thinks, even me. So I think like you guys say the truth will eventually be shown. I've just been really frustrated lately since my wife got her d. She thinks even more now that she can do whatever in the world she wants and parade around her affair partner in front of our children and already talks about moving in with him and moving them. It hurts me and it hurts the kids but she just doesn't care. She told them they will get over it eventually.

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