Collaborate without boundaries

July 9, 2018

  • Comments 3

This weekend was packed with drama. I still struggle with many things but overall I'm doing okay thanks to the power of God in my life. The drama was with my wife and our two oldest daughters.

I planned to go see my dad, who lives a couple hours away and is having back surgery in a week. Becca (15) and Trinity (14) decided to go with me. We left Friday evening after work and came back Saturday evening. My dad really enjoyed spending time with the girls. Saturday evening on our way home we stopped at the mall because Trinity need a new pair of jeans. She said she only has one pair that fits and she can't get her mother to buy her any. We managed to find a pair on sale for $26. After that we went to watch The First Purge then we went home. I was at church most of the day Sunday and Sunday evening we watched a movie and played video games together. So it was a good weekend for me.

Now for the drama. My wife texted the girls all weekend (grandma even got in on the texting) about things that just kept upsetting them. They kept reading me all the texts and I just listened and gave them the best advice I could. My wife kept asking the girls if they wanted to do something with her and they kept telling her no. She asked why they were shutting her out and she told Trinity they had to do something together because the therapist said they have to every three days. That made Trinity mad. I told them if they wanted to do something with her I could take them or they could make other arrangements but they said they do not want to do anything with her. I used to tell them to swallow their pride and go spend time with their mom but they always tell me I'm crazy for suggesting that so anymore I just listen to them and tell them it's their choice. Each girl has her own reasons for their behavior. I try to just listen and figure out what that reason is so I can help them.

Becca says that her mom's behavior over the last year has just made her not want to be around her. Becca also does not agree with what her mom is doing to Trinity and that was a big conversation this weekend. Trinity told her mom and her therapist Thursday that she didn't want to go to therapy anymore but they scheduled her another appointment anyway. I told Trinity that she needs to go to therapy but Trinity said the therapist just tries to make her do things she doesn't want to do, like this "Do something with your mom every three days thing." I told Trinity she should do something with her mom but she said she doesn't want to and them trying to force her to is making her even more reluctant. Trinity called her mom last night and told her that she isn't going to the next therapy appointment. She hadn't discussed it with me at all and just decided out of the blue to call and tell my wife. Her mom said she would talk to the therapist about it and Trinity said "There's nothing to talk about. I'm not going." So my wife said something like she is her mom and she has the rights to her and says she has to go, so now Trinity is even more angry. The girls wanted to tell their mom that she can't talk about forcing someone to continue therapy when she, herself, quit her own individual therapy and she quit marriage therapy but I told them that wouldn't be nice. I DID tell Trinity she needs to go but she told me she no longer feels comfortable with her therapist because her and my wife text each other all the time and even spend her therapy time talking amongst themselves while she waits outside the therapy room. This is probably a major reason why the therapist was going to testify against me in court- my wife has influenced the therapist to hate me. Now because Trinity is wanting to quit I think my wife feels a bit like she is losing control. I honestly feel up to this point that Trinity has been used throughout this whole process. I'm convinced that this is child abuse and Trinity needs to get away from it. I have felt like this for a long time but I've said nothing to anyone. I just left it in God's hands and prayed about it. Trinity told me yesterday that she feels like her mom has been using her. I told Trinity that is great insight for a 14 year old. I told her we can find a new therapist who can help her from a completely neutral point of view. She said she doesn't want to tell a new therapist her story all over again but I told her she really does need to go to therapy. I'm also going to talk to my therapist Wednesday and see about getting me and the kids into family therapy.

I'm not sure how my wife can't see the damage this is doing to Trinity, and all the other kids too. Our children complain to me all the time and I hurt for them and I have to deal with it by myself because I can't tell my wife because 1) she says I am trying to manipulate her and 2) at this point I don't trust her because everything I say or do ends up in court. Last year when I would tell her what the kids talk to me about she would tell me I was saying these things to manipulate her or she would say the kids will get over it. She just doesn't want to believe that this is hurting our children. Once she even told me that she would give up her children as punishment for her decision. It's just not normal.

On to Nick (15.) Last year I sold his XBox and phone. He was getting in so much trouble at school and at home that it became unacceptable. I tested him for marijuana and he tested positive. He was stealing things and selling Melatonin to kids at school, telling them it was Xanax, and putting sage in baggies and selling it as marijuana. I had to start being a dad and not a friend. He turned on me and sided with my wife and was instrumental in getting me kicked out of the house. Since then my wife bought him a new Xbox and Saturday bought him a phone. Trinity showed me the first thing he used his phone for. He put something up on his Snapchat story asking if anyone needed some weed. Trinity told me Nick sneaked out of my wife's house last night and went to some girls house. It's hard to tell what he was doing but as far as I know my wife had no clue. I could have texted her and maybe I should have but everyone in the world has to understand that ANY communication from me to her is taken wrong. I'm afraid that anything I tell her is going to somehow be used against me. I don't trust her at all. She's going to learn the hard way that Nick can't be controlled. That's why, at the advice of my attorney, I filed incorrigibility on him in January to turn my parental rights over to the state. He needs professional help but my wife thinks she can control him with money and possessions. What she and my in-laws are doing to this kid is abuse.

I pray for Nick and my wife and for her parents. I just don't know what else to do. They have kicked me out of their lives (although they want to pretend like everything is fine and still want to be my friend- I'm just not legally allowed to come around them) so there's not much I can do except sit back and watch them destroy themselves. I feel helpless.

  • Your wife and mother in law probably feel they're losing control.  And realize spending money and giving them things is just not working.  

    Keep showing kindness and patience the best you can and this may open the door for God to show them that love (that you are choosing to give to the kids) is what wins.  And this may just add enough conviction for them to take a step in the right direction.  

    I think it's the past that your wife is trying to run away from, not you.  When she realizes the new, permanent you is not the past, she may choose to do God's will.

  • Sounds like you are doing a great with your kids, keep it up, I know it is hard to watch them be used as tools to manipulate, just pray for them. Do you pray with your kids? That may be something that would help you get some peace into their hearts to, shear with them what the lord is teaching you.

    Don't worry about your wife, today's worry need not spill into tomarrow, just keep on keeping on and "Be Still" praying for you man.

  • Eddie, again I come back to honor. And I do so because simply the Bible makes it clear. You daughter needs to go to therapy where she is until you find an alternative. You are allowing her to make a decision over her mother, and you are allowing it. So basically you are supporting your daughter undermining her mother.

    Yes, I understand what your daughter says about what and how is going on with therapy, but you have not been there so whose word do you believe? But either way it doesn’t matter, if your going to allow your daughter to make all the decisions for herself, then why even guide her or give advice? I point this out because with your son, it is the exact opposite. Your wife is not ensuring that he honor you. And is supportive of it.

    When it comes to therapy, she has to go. Doesn’t mean you can’t search for an alternative, but mark my words... this will backfire if you do not get it to change. Just simply because a judge will believe the therapist over you.

    This is the worst pat of separation. Because even though we feel deep down we are doing what’s best, it actually can justify our own self purpose.

    And, this maybe be 100% true what your daughter tells you, but remember there are professionals (who get way to much trust) involved who do not get both sides...

Page 1 of 1 (3 items)