Collaborate without boundaries

June 14, 2018

  • Comments 7

I spent two hours in therapy this morning. It seemed like thirty minutes. I guess I had a lot to say. I went over all my struggles and found that some of them don't need to be struggles. I need to stop some of my behaviors. The therapist asked me what I want to happen in court and I said I want my wife to go away since she walked out last year and let me have and raise our kids. He said that's not going to happen. He said the judge will likely split everything 50/50. He said if I go into court with that 50/50 attitude then it will make me look much better. It's just hard to relinquish anything to my wife because she is wrong. She is wrong according to the Bible, not according to me. My therapist said it's her life and she has the God-given right to be wrong if that's what she chooses. He reminded me that there are consequences to everything. Good for good. Bad for bad.

Then I start to think it doesn't matter who is wrong and who is right. We are all heading to a day where we will sit in front of the Almighty Judge and He will have the final say. It doesn't matter one bit what I think. There will be no jury so I won't have a say in it. I just need to live my life by the law of the New Testament which is summed up by one word... LOVE. My paragraph above is full of whining and complaining. All unnecessary things. I have been given a commandment to love my wife. If she stabs me with a dagger it doesn't change that. What, why, how, when, etc. It doesn't matter. Love never fails. That needs to permeate my brain.

  • Eddie, my husband truly thought that he would walk away from this with everything and I would get nothing. I left everything behind for this marriage. He truly didn’t even want to give me my car. He thought he was going to get the new car we bought me, that I never actually got to drive during our marriage. I’ve really battled with myself over our settlement. What he didn’t realize is that I’m entitled to around $12K of monetary assets and that’s me leaving investments out. There was one parable that keeps me at a place of not enforcing what I’m entitled to. The parable of the debts. A mans debts were forgiven and then he went into the street and tried to force someone to repay a debt they owed to him. God has forgiven me of my debt. I didn’t handle things right within my marriage. I know that God has forgiven me for those things and I can not go out and demand my husband repay his. He’s offered me a $6,500 settlement and I want to laugh at him after he thought he was just going to sit me out like yesterday’s trash. After lots of prayer I’m going to accept as long as he allows me to finish my surgeries (I have 2 more to go.) In the parable the man that went and demanded the debt be repaid ended up being the one to go to prison. I don’t want to live in a prison that I’ve created for myself.

    I once heard that unforgiveness is like a prison. We hold others hostage while we hold the key to let them out. One day we realize that we are actually in that cell with them too and the only way to free ourselves just happens to be the thing that frees them too. Your wife has done wrong. Not to sound cliche but you’re drinking poison and expecting her to die. Pray about it and do “inventory” of your marriage. Write down all of the bad and for each bad write something good to keep the scales even. Then confess it to someone you trust. Confessing things with our mouth brings healing and it reveals things so that Satan can’t use them against us.

    Please don’t feel like I think I am doing any better. Unforgiveness is something I’ve struggled with a lot and I’m still working towards. Just wanted to share some things I am learning with you in hopes that they help you too.

  • letting go of struggles....Why do we even have struggles?  is it the flesh that is worrying ?  and not us trusting that  God will handle everything?  Submitting everything to  God takes care of the struggles, or gives Him control over  our struggles,..and that should bring us peace....But our flesh....

    I understand you wanting her to go away...but let go of that thought and replace that thought with a thought of love for her.  As you mentioned love never fails, well, that is opposite of wanting her to go away.  What we think becomes words, and then the words become actions.  Think good of her, speak good of her, and your actions toward her will be good.  I struggle with this myself for  sure.

  • Dpowell, should you consider what he owes you debt or what he owes you has been stolen from you?  You need to  protect yourself as well.  

    Maybe my quick thoughts  I just came up with are from my flesh, since I have, especially before the dares, struggled with worry about finances.  

  • Thanks so much. I know I have a hard time "settling" because I feel so wronged. (Which is nothing compared to how Jesus was wronged) I don't want to fight. I don't even care if I get anything. I just need enough to take care of my kids and if things go her way I will not have enough money to but my kids birthday presents or Christmas presents. My therapist says I just need what is fair. So I'm going to tell my attorney just make this fair.

    I read something that says love my wife from a healthy distance. That's what I have to do because I can't trust her. I pray and pray for my wife. For God to stop satan. I know it will happen one day. I just need to work on patience.

  • Tim, my therapist also works for the court system here where I am. I’m going to talk this through with her. I know the moral of the story is forgiveness of wrongs but it also applies to money. The finances are accounts such as his 401K, stocks, our savings and what I would get out of our home. I was the only one doing things at home for a very long time. He was paying the majority of the bills but we rarely saw him. I had his kids 95% of the time they were with us. (Which is every other week.) I felt good about my decision and then after posting this I began to wonder if that is the best decision. I’ve had to learn not to respond out of emotion. Instead I am sitting on my responses, praying about them and seeking wise, godly counsel. I’ll update after I meet with my therapist next week.

  • even if he was paying a majority of the bills, his  401K etc.    You need to look at it as our 401K, we paid the  bills, etc.

    You became one flesh.  What's his  became ours.  What was your became ours.  because you didn't earn as he did does not mean everything wasn't yours as well.

    I am not saying you should or shouldn't take certain steps, but remember in marriage you were one, not two individuals.

  • You’re so right Tim! I keep being told that since we had a “short term marriage” that some of those things go differently in court. I fired my attorney for lying to me. She kept pushing me to sign an agreement that would have meant we were divorced and I would have lost my insurance while telling me that his attorney would hold the agreement until I finished surgeries. I decided not to hire a new one. I have a friend that is a paralegal. Maybe I need to ask him about it also.

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