Collaborate without boundaries

May 29, 2018

  • Comments 9

I prayed, more times than I can count, for my wife this weekend. Getting my prayers in line with what I believe is God's will takes a lot of practice. I try not to be selfish in my prayers and sometimes I really don't know what to pray so I just sit in silence and ask God to listen to my heart. I just hope at some point, before it's too late, that she comes to God. Then she will see the truth. I can tell from the kids comments all weekend that she is trying very hard to be a good mom and person. It's unfortunate that being that way will not get you into heaven. I can also tell from their comments that she is having a difficult time. At one point I told Becca, because of something she asked me, that all actions have consequences and that is what her mom is experiencing right now.

I spent the holiday weekend on my Exodus study. I took my midterm and got into the second half of the study. This week I have to write a seven page paper on someone from the book of Exodus. Of course I'm going to choose Moses.

Things happened yesterday that I just don't want to deal with but they are things that I just can't escape. My wife keeps trying to communicate with me through the kids and she KNOWS I am not legally allowed to do that. Caleb and Becca were going back and forth between our rental house and the other house. They call it "mom's house" which bothers me because it is actually my house too, but that's beside the point. They go there because of the swimming pool- the one and only reason. Caleb got mad at everyone there this weekend because he says they are all "crazy." Becca didn't say anything this weekend but she got caught in the middle of stuff yesterday that she shouldn't have. My wife called her around 7pm and told her to tell me that Aleigha, our 10 year old, told her that she hated her and she said "if dad were still here this family would be better." That's when I told Becca that this is a consequence of her mom's actions. Aleigha is struggling with everything and for some reason my wife doesn't want to talk to her about it. She just wants to tell her that everything will be okay once the divorce is final. Silly logic to me but my wife actually believes that. I'm not even sure why my wife felt the need to communicate that to me, but I can tell you, it doesn't worry me because I am doing what is right (according to God) and no one can change that. My wife is going to experience things in the near future that she will not like. My sin did that to me and it will do it to her. No one is immune to the consequences of sin.

Sometime during the evening Nick used Aleigha's phone to text me. He needed a code that was sent to my phone because he had locked himself out of his email. My initial thought was "Is this kid crazy? He goes into court a few months ago and tells a judge that I abused him and my wife and expects me to cooperate with him? Has he too lost his mind?" I was irate. But, I'm on the narrow road and the narrow road has no room for hate. So I gathered my thoughts and sent the code once I got it. Aleigha texted me back a bit later and said that he said thanks. I still don't think he should be playing Xbox or have any privileges because he is probably going to fail eighth grade but there's not a whole lot I can do about it. I even got a call Friday that he was not at school. Skipping? I don't know. I'm not even sure if my wife knows. Caleb and Aleigha told me that he has been doing things around the house, like weed-eating, because my wife and her parents are giving him Xbox gift cards each week. I'm pretty sure what they are doing to him is causing far more damage than good. They are enabling his bad behavior. The consequences of my sin are affecting him. I'm so ashamed.

Later Caleb talked me into going to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch the NBA game. So on the way my wife calls Becca again. This time she tells Becca to ask me if it is okay if she takes Aleigha's phone away because of her behavior. I told Becca that I can't answer that. So she tells her mom I can't answer and her mom says why. So Becca asks me why. So I told Becca to just hang the phone up because by court order I am not allowed to communicate with her mom even through her, a third party. I'm not being mean. I'm just doing exactly what my attorney told me to do to keep myself from getting accused of contempt. Then Caleb, after listening to all of this, said "Why is mom asking you this stuff? Why does she want your opinion?" I told him that his guess was as good as mine. He seemed really mad over her calling and asking me stuff like that. I told them both if their mom tells them to ask me anything to not even mention it to me because I have to obey that court order.

On our way back home Caleb, out of the blue, said I don't understand something about this divorce. So I asked what. He said "Why can't you have your guns?" I told him that is not normal but because there are accusations against me concerning domestic violence the court has to take that seriously in order to prevent any possible harm to anyone. He said "I get that but you have never hurt mom or any of us." I agreed with him but there wasn't much else to say. It is what it is. I just validated his feelings and told him I feel the same way. They both asked other questions which I can't quite remember and I answered the best I could. I didn't say anything negative about my wife but I did tell them that she has the power to end this and save the marriage/family. All she has to do is make that choice.

So, of course, I'm confused about her behavior this weekend. Why reach out to me? Why think we are friends when she has attacked me with terrible accusations? Why ask for my permission to punish Aleigha when the court papers say she has 100% authority over her? Why keep putting Becca in the middle of things? Is it possible she is upset about not hearing from me about her birthday? Just a thought. I don't have the answers and I'm not even concerned about the answers. I've got God in my corner and I know her conviction is eating at her. I know all too well what that conviction feels like. It's all part of God's perfect plan and it's not for me to question or understand. I just hope I am living up to His expectations in my interactions with the kids.

Which is another topic all together. Caleb started a huge theological discussion on the way back home when he mentioned that his science teacher is a Christian. He said his teacher didn't teach evolution. I'm not sure how much trouble that could cause but I would definitely support that teacher. So I started talking about my knowledge of the Bible and I answered a bunch of questions that he and Becca had until I finally compared the United States today with Sodom and Gemorrah. Caleb got a little angry at that. He said I reaching far out making that comparison but I explained that God destroyed those cities primarily because of sexual immorality. He said the U.S. is not that bad, but I argued that it actually is. He wanted to argue more at that point so we just ended the conversation. Maybe he just isn't ready for it yet. Our country is in a heap of trouble though. Just like Sodom and Gemorrah.

  • Great stuff your son talking with you about that. Remember you can’t understand truth if you don’t understand the beginning of sin in the world; who sinned, what the sin actually was (seeking fulfillment outside of obedience to God), and who God is and how he can’t be near sin. Your continuing to seek God and love your wife through all will be a great testimony to your children. I wish that my family was in a possession where they could see my life, I would hope, and see my walk/conversation.

  • Man,  you pack a lot in each journal.  I can't imagine having to deal with all of what you are.  Most people would pack their bags and let it all go, and not stand for their marriage and possibly leave the children too.  Just to escape from the trial vs finding peace and strength in God to deal with it all.

  • I think she'll continue to try to contact you through the kids.  She's probably reaching out to you.  For one, to try to satisfy the conviction she's  feeling, even though she probably doesn't equate the conviction coming from God but just  feels the  pressure.  but that's still good.

    she  can also be trying to communicate with you just  to try to keep tabs on you and to evaluate if you are still standing for the marriage. Even in her mind if she's not dropping the d proceedings she's still wanting to  know you are still standing for the marriage.

  • IN the beginning of this you, as most of us, sought comfort from our spouse.  And then we learned to find comfort from God first.  she hasn't learned that  yet, so she's trying to find comfort in you, and this is why she's indirectly contacting you, sending  you birthday gifts etc.

    And since you are not responding or reciprocating, she feels compelled to seek out any way she can, such as through the  kids, what  you are thinking or feeling towards her.

  • She tries to make herself feel better about pursuing a d by saying everything will  fall in place as the d proceedings end.  That everyone can talk and get along and go to church and  visit, etc.  This won't cut it and she will still feel conviction.  

  • they may be bribing Nick to do some chores, but at least he's doing something positive and making a contribution to  the household. and for him to  say thank you was a good step as well.  He probably sees the light of  Christ in you and is responding to your testimony.  He may not know it, but in time as he ages, he will.  and it may be the thing that brings him up from rock bottom if he gets that low.

  • That's great you didn't say anything negative about her.  but is it the best thing to say that it is all on her to  stop the d from happening?  I know that's true, but you laid the blame on her.  Maybe the kids  don't need to hear that so directly.  It is hard to know what to say and not to say or how to word things.  Not saying you should or shouldn't have said that, but a thought that  hit me.

    It's terrific you are able to speak of God and he's open to listening and discussing.

  • Tim makes a good point, there is always two sides to a coin. it's not a bad thing to accept your side of the blame.

  • All so true. I feel like I'm in a terrible position but the kids CAN see me in action so that is good that I can show them Christ.

    Sometimes the kids ask me things in such a way that the answer comes out looking like I'm blaming my wife. I try not to do that but, honestly, at this point, it is her fault. I've confessed everything I've done and I fully accept much of the blame but I'm willing to forgive and she continues to lie and move in a bad direction. It's hard not to point that out.

    Tim, this is a lot to deal with but even though we have free will I look at it as not a choice. If I want to escape hell then I MUST obey God. Not much of a choice to that. He tells me what I need to do and I do it, as hard as that may be.

Page 1 of 1 (9 items)