Collaborate without boundaries

May 25, 2018

  • Comments 2

My goal today is to remain positive under all circumstances. I will see my girls tonight from 5-8pm and I'm certain at some point I'm going to hear about something that my wife did that doesn't make any sense to me. I'm preparing myself now to be ready for that and respond in the best way possible. My wife has been so nice to me in ways lately. Even though I can't communicate with her I have received a "happy birthday" text and gifts. She tells the kids things will go back to normal after the d. I know she's fooling herself and she will see that eventually but her intentions are pure in her eyes. She means no harm. She just needs a bump in the right direction. Maybe that bump is actually me as I continue to walk with God.

Last night I prayed for an end to the devil's influence on my family. That's the problem. My wife isn't evil. She is being led by evil. Heck, I was on a short evil leash myself for years. The good news is that, as fun as evil is at times, and the worldly things it brings you, it has an equal and opposite reaction. It ALWAYS ends in catastrophe. The devil will be thrown into hell. There is no long term satisfaction in immediate gratification. I would do well to remember that daily.

My wife is gorgeous. There are guys out there who would kill to be with her. She used to go well out of her way to please me and never complained about it. Together, we took on too much responsibility and it came crashing down on us. Now we seem to be in an impossible position for reconciliation. Although I don't doubt God at all because I know with Him ALL things are possible, right now she doesn't see that so we just have to work through this.

The appendix on the book I just finished "Becoming Attached" by Robert Karen list typical patterns of different attachment types. I believe I am anxious ambivalent, as I stated before, and my wife is anxious avoidant. However these came about is beyond my knowledge but I'm convinced that this is what has happened to us. The anxious ambivalent child ends up being a preoccupied adult- still embroiled with anger and hurt at parents, unable to see own responsibility in relationships, and dreads abandonment. When I read that in the appendix it blew my mind. I have become this preoccupied adult and I have a severe phobia of abandonment. (autophobia) The feelings about my parents and seeing my fault in the relationship have been dealt with but this abandonment thing is going to take a lot of work. My wife, on the other hand, has become a dismissive adult- dismisses the importance of love and connection, often idealizes parents, but actual memories don't corroborate, and has shallow, if any, self reflection. It could not be any more accurate. My wife refuses therapy. She flat out says she does not need it. I believe because she does not want to have to reflect on any of her past choices. She doesn't want to face her mistakes. She has been inseparable from her parents in the last two years. Many times they spend the night at our house. I thought about what led up to this and one thing I realized instantly was that I have never heard her or her parents tell each other "I love you" and until recently I have never heard my wife tell our children that. I believe she does it now because she is losing them. It's pretty amazing how psychology works and I have a tremendous amount of respect for those in the field. The human mind is quite a creation. Too complex to have just evolved.

  • Good goal, just remember if done in your own strength it will crash in, we do not have the strength to do good on our own, it may look OK for a wile but it will not hold. Give that to God and speek love in kindness.

    I believe that we are to be a light to our spouse for God, in his strength of course, we are to wash them with the word. I didn't do this for MH, but I intend to take revenge on that in our future.

  • Your wife likes to dismiss things.  To not look at  what causes or created the problems to seek a solution. she paints everything as fine instead of seeking help from God or therapists or reading an appropriate book.  And believes she is right with God.

    i can see me in a lot of that, if that is kind of how she thinks.  But, given enough pressure (Holy Spirit, conviction) she may end up realizing a therapist or a helpful book or sincere prayer is what she needs. i  would have never done anything like the LD until this brutal trial hit.  And she may come to the same conclusion that things aren't as good as she thinks or will get better when things are over.  

    STay patient with her and God's timing.

Page 1 of 1 (2 items)