Collaborate without boundaries

May 24, 2018

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I had therapy early this morning. Got a few things out in the open and ready to deal with. We only had 30 minutes instead of the usual hour and since it had been three weeks since my last appointment there was a book of things to talk about. I brought up that someone mentioned to me that I spend too much time pointing out my wife's sin. It's true and my therapist agreed that I need to focus more on myself. I finished the book on attachment theory that he suggested I read a few months ago. I gained a lot of insight on my wife's behavior and even more on my own. I believe I have an anxious-ambivalent attachment style and one of the straight up flaws of that attachment style is a fear of abandonment. Since that has been discovered I now have to figure out how to deal with it. Throughout my life I have felt abandoned by my father, my mother, my step-father, my girlfriends (before marriage), my wife and now I'm afraid my children are going to abandon me as two of them already have. I even told my therapist that I am to the point that I have considered leaving everything behind- my wife, children and everything. Just to escape the situation. The person who has an irrational fear of abandonment considering doing the same to his loved ones. I have some serious work to do now.

Anyway, moving on. I MUST be more positive because there is so much to be positive about. No more negative. I went to Bible study at church last night and one of the men mentioned before we started that this chapter was a doozie, as I had mentioned before. We only made it halfway through the chapter because there was a lot to discuss, which was mostly the state of the world and how sin has slowly crept in and is now becoming normal and accepted. I was thankful that God has brought all this to my attention and equipped me with everything I need to lead my children in a godly direction.

Later in the evening after I finished my attachment book and started reading in Exodus. My son came into the living room and spent about an hour talking to me about various things. I threw some Bible stuff in the conversation here and there. It was so good to spend that time with him just talking. Then he went to bed and I continued reading in Exodus when my daughter came out of her room to get a bottle of water. She asked me if I ever sleep and I told her I just need to finish through chapter 11 then I would go to bed. I think it is so good that they see me reading my Bible because I don't ever remember my step-dad reading his, although he loved to spout scripture at me, which I have realized now that almost everything he told me was out of context because he was just telling me what he had heard in the denominational world. I now read the Bible myself and I am able to teach my children what I read and understand, not what I heard from someone else.

I prayed for my wife. She is a good woman. She has always had good intentions and I believe things will be set right some day. We just need this shroud the devil has thrown over us to be removed. I will continue to fight the devil with folded hands and wait on my wife.

  • It is good to get out into  the open things like that, it clears the air, in law enforcement we ask direct questions for diferent reasons, but as a friend I ask my friends "have you looked at porn in the last week?" being very direct the phrase "are you struggling with (blank)" is to vague. we need friends who will ask us the hard questions. and we need to be able to answer in real truth.

    It's great that you are modeling that for your kids. I can't wait to do so for mine.

  • You and everyone mentioned depression is really evil's work to  me.  And  I agree evil surely can/does bring about depression.  So, could the anxious ambivalent attachment style also be a tool of the devil to  bring you down?  I am not saying or even thinking it is or isn't.  

    As Josh said, it's great you talk and bring God into your children's lives.  If/when they stray like so many in their twenties, and if they do stray for a time, they will have  the foundation you built in them to come back to.

  • We do need friends like that, to hold us accountable. I sometimes cut and paste things I read onto Facebook and I've gotten quite an bit of "hate" from it. I put something a couple months ago about abuse not being a biblical reason to end a marriage. It is horrible and the Christian needs to get away until the abuser repents and gets straight with God but even during separation there is still a marriage vow. People love to argue with me about that and like to tell me what they think God would say if He were here. I explain to them that God has already spoken and I show them in the Bible but their hearts are so hardened they don't want to accept it. Marriage is probably the hardest thing God designed and He meant it to be for life to show HIS glory. Man is destroying that and defying God. My wife may move on but she has no idea what she is doing to me. I have no biblical right to move on so I have to live only to serve God and wait for her to come back. That's my only option.

    I would guess that in the case of depression the devil has been working on that for a long time. For me he knows I have been weak since childhood so he preys upon that. He knows that I have an irrational fear of abandonment and he will use that. He will try to get me to destroy myself. He is constantly whispering in my ear that I am going to be alone someday. I have to ask God for help daily with this or I would most certainly destroy myself.

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