Collaborate without boundaries

May 21, 2018

  • Comments 10

Another weekend down and, although numerous people tell me things will get better, they don't. They stay the same or get worse, every weekend. Besides reconciliation, how can things get better? The truth can't change. The Bible's stance on marriage will never change. God will never say divorce is acceptable. If my wife continues her blatant defiance of scripture how does it ever get better for me? I have to strive to be content in this circumstance but, as a human being, it never gets any easier. The more she resists God and continues to forsake her marriage vows the more it hurts me.

People actually tell me to move on and find someone who will make me happy. It is annoying to hear that because they just don't understand. They think I'm misinterpreting the Bible when I tell them I'm biblically bound to my wife. Here's my comparison: Jesus could have called at least a dozen legions of angels to stop His crucifixion. That's enough angels to wipe out over thirteen billion men- almost twice the population of the earth in 2018. That would most assuredly have been the easiest way. But, instead he CHOSE to follow the will of the Father and do it the hard way, the most painful way. Comparatively, I could move on. I could find someone to take the place of my wife, who I made a vow unto death to. I could be "happy" and live out the desires of the flesh. But what would happen to my soul? I don't want to take that chance. So I CHOOSE the hard way. I choose to wait on my wife. I choose to obey God's infallible word. I choose the pain because I know the will of God favors marriage and there is no way to dispute it otherwise.

The weekend itself had it's ups and downs, as usual. Saturday Caleb had a few friends over to the other house to swim. I try my best not to let this bother me but it does. I have this selfish desire for the children to treat my wife bad because she "deserves" it. I want them to show her that what she is doing is wrong. I want them to ostracize her. When they go near her it bothers me because I feel like she thinks she is "winning." Like it's a contest. There is a serious problem with my thinking. I make a lot of assumptions that aren't necessarily true. I assume Caleb wants to spend time with his mother but that's not true. He tells me that he is going to use her because of the pool. He says when he is there she tries to hang out near the pool with him and his friends but he doesn't want her to. When I dropped him off I told him I was going to drop him a block away because I don't want to get in any legal trouble for going near the house. He said he would lie to her if necessary because she is "stupid." I told him not to lie under any circumstances. I don't have the answers for this. I don't know what to say to him. Children can not be properly raised like this. To me this is utter devastation. I know how to handle myself but I don't know what to do about our children. I will never be able to just walk away from a covenant marriage and I will never be able to tell our children that it is acceptable. And I just keep thinking that she told Aleigha that once this is over that she is going to come back to church. I don't get how she thinks that is going to work. I don't get so many things and because of the children I can't act like everything is normal.

Sunday afternoon Caleb came and asked me if I could go pick up pizza. I asked him what he wanted and he said his mom already ordered and paid for it. All I had to do was go get it. He said he got us "free" pizza because she is "dumb" and will do anything he asks. Again, this is not how a child should be raised. I really consider just walking away and letting her raise these kids alone because no matter what I do I don't seem to be able to undo what she is doing. The damage is worse than any solution I can come up with.

Later I was sitting on the couch when Allison walked through the front door. I asked her what in the world she was doing and she said "Mom said I could come in and see you." Then she came over and gave me a hug. My wife was sitting outside. Then Becca came out of her room and said she was going to go out with her mom and sisters for a while. Again, this bothered me because I don't want them participating in their mother's bad life choice. I don't want them to see their mother in any good light as long as she continues in sin. I want them to paint her a crystal clear picture that what she is doing is wrong. But how can I ask someone to forsake their mother? That would not be unconditional love. It sometimes feels like giving someone unconditional love is like giving them a license to sin. It seemed to have bothered Caleb too because he called her and asked her what in the world she was doing.They got back sometime during evening church service and all I could think about was how I'm sitting in church alone while my wife is out trying to act like everything is just fine in the world and teaching our children to think like that.

One of my friends, who was also my wife's friend, messaged me and said that my wife had contacted her. They have not spoken to each other in over a year. I didn't ask what about and she didn't tell me. I have no desire to even know because it would probably just be something that would upset me.

Late that evening Jessica talked to me a little bit. Jessica is not a Christian. While she was a foster child with us she went to church with us but then when disaster struck she was moved out of our home. She still considered us her parent's though, because she was with us for a couple years and we adopted her younger sister, Allison. Since all this has happened she still calls me dad and says I am a good dad. She does not do the same for my wife. While I was talking to her she said it upsets her that my wife acts like a "fake Christian." My wife and I went to church our entire lives together. We both got off track and moved away from God but up until six months ago she still went to church fairly often. Since then she has completely quit and it sends a terrible message to those who see what she is doing, including Jessica.

I feel like I am sinking in quicksand because I don't have the slightest clue how to deal with this. How to get our children past this. I have become almost silent on the whole situation to everyone, especially the children, but like I said before, I can never let the children accept an any way that my wife is making the right choice because the Bible says otherwise.

  • I think you need to stop trying so hard. Let God have the victory, first in you then in your children, I am in a bad situation myself. My father in law says that the girls haven't been turned against me, I believe he didn’t turn them, but he has spoken disparagingly about me to them and told them just how bad I have been and how hurt MH is by my actions, how would anyone come to a “good” conclusion when your mother and grandfather use the bible to prove just how bad someone is, instead of teaching unconditional love. No wonder they don’t like visiting with me.

    What I would do in your case is make a point to “live unconditional love” walk, talk, breath, think, sleep, sweat, unconditional love around every one. This is what I am doing. Because John 14,15 makes sense, we are called to love, if we do nothing else we stand in the perfection of Christ. And as I have said we can’t do it. The Holy Spirit lives it through us, our actions and attempts are “as filthy rags” only victory through belief Jesus Christ. I know I’m “preaching to the quire” but I learn better teaching than listening.  

  • I learn the same way. That's why I am here. To help others using my experiences and learn from that.

    My big question is: How do I show unconditional love when I cannot agree with my wife's decision? I could be nice all day long but when questioned about marriage I have to say that it is for life and by saying that it makes it look like I am pointing out my wife's "bad" decision. That's my big dilemma. Is it still unconditional love when I say "According to the Bible, her decision is wrong?" Or is that the ultimate expression of unconditional love because I am pointing this out in order for her to know how to live biblically?

    The kids aren't going to come to a "good" conclusion in your case. And that's what I'm saying about mine too. I'm telling my kids that I am waiting for their mother because that is the right thing to do and that paints her in a bad light because she wants to move on. I try to stay silent on the subject but I can't have our kids thinking they can just get married someday and end it when they feel like it. They have to know that marriage is a lifelong covenant and they will rationally draw their own conclusion that their mother is wrong.

    P.S. My father-n-law (a non-believer) told our children that I'm using the Bible as a weapon. That's the kind of nonsense I want stopped. He has no right to teach our children anything but he thinks he does.

  • Eddie, I responded to your last post on my journal, please read it.

    I hear what you are saying, but you need to remember that the Bible IS truth.  Teach your children that all the answers to all the questions that must be swirling around in their heads.

    Tell them you don't want them to trust you, your wife, or their grandpa.  They need to seek and find the answers to their worries and confusion about what is right and what is not right in God's eyes for themselves.  TELL them that is what you want for them.

    Then help them to look up Marriage in the cross reference and let them read for themselves.  Have them read from Titus about each of your roles in and what pleases God about the marriage covenant.

    YOU are trying to take on what is God's to do.  you are not putting enough trust in God's word that your children who have been raised in his Love from you will find the truth.  You need not 'correct' what either your wife is doing or their grandpa is saying, you're only job ever with your children is to point the to Christ and help them to learn for themselves.  Pray for their wisdom.  Remember in Timothy, it says "don't look down on me because I am young".  Christ asks us to have the faith of a child.  This I because they keep it simple.

    you stay the course. Trust God, Obey His commandments, and never give up!  Whether she comes back to you or not, when you finish the race He will say "well done!"  That is all any of us long to hear.

    I pray your depression loses its grip on you so you can see yourself as God sees you.

  • Be still and know He is God.  Quit trying to figure it all out.  You are not God and don't need to figure out why your wife does this, and that.  

    Stand for  your marriage but let go of her.  place her at Jesus' feet and let Him deal with her.  Then go about your life enjoying it, because it is a gift and  you can be in joy vs frustration.  You are putting  what your  wife is doing to you above what  Christ is doing to you.  When you switch that around your good moments will far outweigh the bad moments.

  • Peter worried about the potential bad moments that could have happened  if he did not deny Christ.  Instead of looking at just what Christ was to him.  Learn from what Peter did in not leaving the problem at the foot of Jesus to handle.

  • When defending marriage to your kids, you do not even have to bring up your wife or her wrong  doing.  All you need to  do is say how marriage  is for life, an unbreakable covenant, and you are doing  as you are called to do and staying in the covenant.  

    Be still, and just know...

    Also,  remind him not  to call her stupid.  that she may not be doing things that  are honorable, but he is to love her  unconditionally too.  but that does not mean he or  you accept what she's doing  as okay.

  • Thanks for the great advice. I see that I am still placing my wife above God. I'm going to focus on God and not worry about my wife.

    Tim/Josh, I know I am trying too hard. I keep trying to play God. And I know it doesn't work.

    Amy I see what you are saying. I don't have to do anything except tell the kids to read the Bible when they have a question. My opinion, my wife's opinion, my father-in-laws opinion- none of them matter. The Word is all that matters. That will be my response to everything from now on.

  • Thanks for the great advice. I see that I am still placing my wife above God. I'm going to focus on God and not worry about my wife.

    Tim/Josh, I know I am trying too hard. I keep trying to play God. And I know it doesn't work.

    Amy I see what you are saying. I don't have to do anything except tell the kids to read the Bible when they have a question. My opinion, my wife's opinion, my father-in-laws opinion- none of them matter. The Word is all that matters. That will be my response to everything from now on.

  • Make sure you teach it to them. If you remember the unic? I think it was James was "whisked" away and saw him in a chariot. He was reading and it didn't make sense to him. God sent you to your children first, they are your first ministry.

  • Josh,  you are we are to teach our children and raise them up in the Lord.  But when your children are older like Eddie's and the kids are confused because everyone has their own opinion of 'what God wants".  It is best to lead them to the Word and teach them to pray for understanding.  

    My daughter told me many years later that when she was in high school she couldn't discern me from God and she didn't want to obey me but she loved God.  It was a very hard road for her to figure out her faith.

    When they have questions, help them to find the answers in the Word.

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