Collaborate without boundaries

May 16, 2018

  • Comments 10

Am I stuck in a spider's web? That's what it feels like.

Yesterday was pretty good until I got a little upset because Caleb wanted to go to the other house to swim. I know I should not let things like this upset me but it did. I tell him to do things with his mother but he doesn't then when he does decide to go near her it upsets me. It actually produces suicidal thoughts in my head because I feel abandoned, which apparently is a huge issue for me manifested from my childhood. My pride wants him to think like I do and stay away from his mom. Although that doesn't make any sense because its his mother. I used to swim with the kids almost every day and now I can't legally do that. It hurts. I talked to my sister about it just so I could immediately get my feelings out in the open. I think that helped. I was much more relaxed after that.

I picked the girls up and we spent a few hours together and had fun. When I dropped them off at 8pm Caleb told me he wanted to stay and swim for a while longer. I told him to just let me know when he needed a ride and I would come pick him up. He said he was having fun swimming with his friends but he also said his mom and grandpa were driving him and his friends crazy because they just stand around and stare at them. He said his mom kept picking up their towels and folding them and his grandpa built a fire and was just sitting and watching them swim. He said, to him, it was all just weird behavior. There are two things that bother me about this. Yesterday my son told me that he told his mom he doesn't like her and doesn't want to do anything with her and today she is acting like and treating him like that never happened. And this is how she has always done in the past. I'm just now noticing it. When something bad happens she buries it deep inside somewhere and never faces it. I see this as a serious problem but I feel like I'm the only person on earth that sees this. She doesn't want to face that demon. Also why is my father-in-law at the house at 8:30pm? It is not normal for children to have their grandparents around so much. I noticed, also, that my mother-in-law was just leaving the house when I dropped the girls off. They are around the kids way too much. It concerns me because they do say negative things about me to them.

Then I felt the spider web. Caleb came through the door a little after 8:30pm. He said his friend dropped him off and that's why he didn't call me for a ride. Then seconds after that Aleigha (our ten year old) calls me and says mom wants to know if Caleb made it home ok. I told her he did but she can't call me to ask me things for her mother. She asked why and I told her because we are not allowed to communicate. I have no idea what else to tell her. Then seconds after that Becca's phone rings and I can hear my wife asking her if Caleb made it home ok. So the million dollar question is why bother me and Becca when Caleb has a phone? Why not just call him? It's confusion piled on top of existing confusion. I just don't get any of this and the more I try to make sense of it the more it bothers me. So I'm just trying to let everything go. I have done nothing wrong and I can't control anything my wife does but just trying to keep to myself is impossible. She won't let me have any peace. It's like someone else said- how can someone who has done you so wrong expect you to be friends with them? Expect you to trust them?

The kids told me that my wife had surgery yesterday and missed work. She told me a few months ago that she needed surgery on her uterus or something but I don't know the details. I am honestly a perfect picture of health and my wife has had nothing but health issues since she was a kid. I wish there was a reason for that but it just happens. God does not control it. Two thousand years ago He stepped away from mankind and allowed us to walk by faith in a world that treats every single one of us exactly the same. Oh the perils of a fallen world!

I feel like at my age I should have everything together and I should not be having the thoughts I do. I feel like a burden to everyone. Like I am a liability to their normal living. I suppose my sins led me to this. I know I will get past it because of my intense faith in and obedience to God. He will bring me out of this but some days it just seems like too much to handle. Maybe those days feel like that because I'm trying to stand on my own instead of letting Jesus stand with me.

I prayed for my wife this morning, as I do every morning, and every evening. I hope she gets right with God, with or without me.

I got a call yesterday that Nick was absent from school. I asked Aleigha if she knew why and she said he was just tardy. She said he got his Xbox taken away as punishment and he was throwing a fit about it. I have no clue what's going on in that house but I can imagine it is not good. I still see something terrible coming from Nick. Its just a matter of time. Honestly, this situation is what could save ME from the fallout of Nick's future actions. He IS a ticking time bomb.

  • I understand the feeling of why is he willing to spend time with her.  But don't let that feeling lead you.

    She's picking up and folding the towels to show him she lives him like you did in the beginning when you left notes all the time.  In essence, she's trying to do acts of kindness while she has the chance since he's normally not there.  This is good she's reaching out.

  • It does help talking like you did with your sister.  But as you continue to let go you will find comfort more so in Good and not need to reach out to her.  But it's still good to reach out if you desire I think, as long as it doesn't turn to talking negative about her.

  • She's having calls made for her but not to Caleb..... another good thing.  It's showing she's caring more about you.  She wasn't worried about Caleb.  These we're attempts to keep tabs on you.  Kind of like snooping on you.  It even trying to find out indirectly what your thinking.  Or an indirect way of trying to communicate with you.

  • Maybe she's reached a breaking point where she can no longer be cruel when all you show is patience and kindness, love, unconditional.

  • I bet she really wanted to hear your comforting words before and after the surgery.  And she held back reaching out.  Maybe the big thing like a health issue got to her.  

    She took away his Xbox.  This is the woman that rewarded it ignored his bad behavior before.  Now the pendulum us swinging the other direction and she's coming back to being a mother and maybe wife.

  • Your in the middle of all this.  But all I see is great changes.  I pray it's not temporary or that she hardens back up.

    I don't want to sound enthusiastic, but maybe she hit bottom and can no longer handle God's conviction brought about because of you can standing in kindness.

    Keep still and know....and let God continue His work in you and her.

  • Even if she did change a little.  She can always go back to her vindictive ways and use anything you do against you.  

  • I think Tim has hit it, this looks promising, I will be praying for her to see God's love in your actions. Just remember to focus of God and lean harder into his grace. Let God know how much you love him.

  • I'm not going to be enthusiastic about this at all. The one thing that came out of this is my firm belief in God. I have been made stronger in Him. I am scared to death, though, that if things get easier I will revert back to my old ways. Some part of me wants it to stay like this to ensure my faith stays intact. That's probably a terrible way to look at things.

  • From the birthday gift to all these things she's doing or did, things do appear better on her end.  But, you are right, have no expectations and don't place your excitement in her, but in God.  Enjoy the good she does but let God know you enjoy Him more and rely on Him so much more.

    I did't want to come across all enthusiastic, and with a false positive, but just trust God is working on her and these things may be a sign He is.  

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