Collaborate without boundaries

April 23, 2018- Round 3 Day 6

  • Comments 8

I need to completely focus on only the dare. Nothing more, which is what I seem to want to do. I am writing my wife a letter. I'm trying to be very careful what to say in it, using Paul's letters to the first century churches as examples. I know better than just give her a letter so I am waiting on the dares to give me the opportunity. This weekend I asked my wife to go to church twice. No response either time so was it a good idea? I don't know. I also sent her a text with a quote from a movie saying how it's not fun being half of something when you know what it feels like to be whole. I shouldn't have sent it because I'm sure it caused more harm than good. I'm sure she will use it in court (harassment.) At this point I feel more anger than anything. But I choose to love. It's a torturous conflict. I don't want to love her. She has destroyed everything. But I don't have a choice. I have to choose love and let God fill in the blanks. I know all of this, but the flesh is so strong. The devil has completely convinced my wife of his devilish ways and it's something I can't handle.

So my list of ways I need to add margin to my schedule is:

1) I need to spend more time in prayer for my wife. I need to specifically schedule time for her, morning, noon and night.

2) I need to spend quality time studying the dares so I can do them exactly as intended.

3) I need to make sure I pray every morning and every evening. There are times, like this morning, in which I forget to pray.

Some wrong motivations that need released are:

1) I should not be happy when Caleb and Becca talk bad about their mother. I should not do anything to make their mother look bad. (This is very difficult in situations such as when I am going to marriage therapy and she does not go. It inadvertently makes her look bad but I can't lie to my children when they ask where I am.) I have to build her up to them in spite of her sins. Is there anything in the Bible to lead me in this situation?

2) I should not wish for her future suffering, which I have before. I know it's coming but sometimes I look forward to it. I need to pray for her repentance and imagine the joy that will bring. I should not hope for anyone to suffer. Ever.

3) I should not celebrate Nick's failures. I know she can't handle him. I can't either. But I should not be amused when he does something to make her life more difficult. I should pray for him daily. I should hope for his success.

My younger sister is telling me I am not showing biblical love by not talking to my wife about the kids. I assume my wife is talking to her and planting things in my sister's head. My wife wants to talk about custody of the children after the d. I'm not willing to talk about that because as far as I'm concerned there will be no d. If it is forced upon me then the court will make the decision after talking to our children. I refuse to bargain with children's lives. I tell my wife that reconciliation is the only answer I can accept. I know eventually that the children will migrate toward the truth as the two oldest already have. It's only a matter of time. I don't know if I'm doing exactly the right thing but I know that I am pro-marriage and there is nothing that will change that. There's no legitimate reason for this marriage to be dissolved and I will stand strong for it no matter what.

Big questions? Do I continue to invite my wife to marriage therapy sessions? Do I continue to invite my wife to church?

  • Don't give in to your feelings remember that "if you choose love there is no room for hate" also compassion for your wife being disconnected will work in you what God has in mind for your life.

    I asked God to give me compassion for my wife and he did, don't forget that he will give you what you ask for if you ask according to his will.

    I know how it is I got to visit my kids today, they had all kinds of stories of fun with our church friends and family that are shunning me. I must remember for my self to believe the best, and that God is working on all involved in the situation.

  • Right on Josh. I appreciate the wise words. I'm struggling for sure.

  • I just had a feeling, and i know, feelings and emotions, don't let them lead me.  but the thought popped up when you said you were starting a new round that you may be tempted to do more than a dare a day.  Stay on the side of being cautious.

    If you asked her to go to church once, I would say not to ask again, at least for that day.  Asking once may put her off (but it may not)  however asking twice in a day has a much better chance of putting her off.

  • Your point number one.  so hard to do.  And so much harder to do with sincerity.  Without lying and to help her not look so bad in their eyes, could you say you are going to therapy and not say marriage therapy?  This way she's not implicated she's not trying or going and is telling them the truth in what you are doing.  

  • It sounds like your wife is not reaching out to you to talk about the kids.  But, if she is or does reach out about the kids, let her know it may be in the kids best interest to decide this at a later point.  I guess what i am trying to figure out how to say is, if she's reaching out, don't completely ignore her and frustrate her with you actions, but somehow show kindness and respond, even if it isn't to finalize where the kids go and when.

    I can't imagine having to have that talk.  

  • Seek God's wisdom in asking those questions you have.  

    Consider if you are trying to do much and if God's asking you to sit back, be still, pray, read and attend church, and do a dare a day.  It is so easy to slowly begin taking control from God.  

  • OH, and asking her to go to church multiple times may be taken by her as you rubbing it in her face that you have morals and she doesn't.  I don't know, but our spouses look at everything as the worse.

    But I can tell you, as you already know, that as rough as she is, and how harsh she is, she can come back.  

    Above all, be in His peace, try your best to rejoice in Him.

  • I DO have to remember that our spouses look at everything in the worst possible way. I sent her a picture of the marriage therapy appointment card. Says nothing about marriage therapy but she knows what it is because she has been there before.

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