Collaborate without boundaries

April 17, 2018

  • Comments 6

So many things have happened in the last three days. I went to therapy yesterday and got so much out in the open. One thing my therapist made clear was that I am letting fear control too much of my life. I was talking about not being able to remarry or have a relationship after this because of my belief in God's word. In my situation His word prevents me from having a relationship apart from my wife, ever. He said I need to think about now, not the future. He said I'm still married so I shouldn't even be thinking about that at all. I know fear is from the devil and the devil has been attacking me harder and harder every day because I keep reading my Bible and continue to walk a righteous path. (I just chuckled a little thinking about how mad I am making the devil.) I need to live every day with that day only in mind. Matthew 6:34 tells me not to worry about tomorrow because today has enough worries of its own.

Now on to the things that have upset me these last few days.

Aleigha still wants to go to church and told me Friday evening that her mom said as soon as we get everything settled we will all be able to go to church together again. I'm not sure what she means by that and I'm not going to dwell on it but I think by settling she must mean once she finishes getting HER way because I have no intention of settling or signing any papers. I'm not sure how she thinks things will be comfortable enough to resume going to church together after she gets her way as opposed to now but I guess its part of the flawed thinking of a person who is living in the world as opposed to a person living in the Word. I told Aleigha that as far as I'm concerned the only positive way to settle this is to fix the marriage. I WILL not tell our children any differently because I do not want them ever believing any differently. I'm sorry but their mother is wrong about what she is doing and I will continue to tell our children that marriage is for life.

A couple of weeks ago I told my therapist that I feel bad because Caleb and Becca don't want anything to do with their mother. He said there must be a reason why I feel like that and I supposed it was because I tell them my opinion on marriage and it is contradictory to my wife's opinion therefore influencing them to side with me. After a little thought, it occurred to me that they are old enough to make their own decision based on facts and not on what I say so I feel justified in standing my ground for my marriage. I still, however, feel bad for my wife because she has been asking Caleb and Becca to do things with her but they have not taken her up on her offer and she continues to think that everything is normal. She does not see the harm done to these two children and it is disturbing to me. I will elaborate more on this below.

Caleb came into the living room once over the weekend and said our living arrangement now is way better than what he thought it would be. He said he feels more comfortable not having to deal with the chaos before and he feels safer being away from Nick. He also texted his mom Saturday and told her he needed $170 to buy a new Xbox controller. She said she would get it to him Monday and sure enough she had her mom deposit $170 in his account Monday. He told me he played his mom like a fiddle. Then he told me not to worry because he still likes me more. I told him that what happened is pathetic and I don't want him to like me more. I told him all I want is for him to respect my decision throughout this. He jokingly told me to shut up. He is so obviously against my wife. She doesn't see it.

Becca was talking about "her mom's house" and I said its actually still my house too and I am still fighting for it in court. She said why because she doesn't ever want to go back there. She is perfectly happy in our current situation.

I am overjoyed that these two are happy but it still doesn't make me any more comfortable with the situation. It actually may make it a little worse because if there would be a reconciliation at this point the children would have a harder time adjusting than I would and that is a terrible thought.

My family needs God now more than ever. I'm getting to the point where I have no idea what decision to make.

  • What decision do you have to make right now?  is that thought along the lines  of what the therapist said about not worrying about what may take place tomorrow?

    I probably would have said the same thing to Becca about the house being mine.  But, really, things like that don't need to  be brought  up.  They see enough division between you and her.  Adding additional details about it being  your house to and fighting for it in court is just more  for  their brain to process or hold onto.  As I said, I am pretty sure I would have said the  same thing in the moment.  

  • the things our spouse say now and then.  Like when things settle, we can all go to church again.  Makes no sense to  you or me.  but, in our spouses mind, maybe it means they see a time in the near future where the dust will settle and we can become friends (or more) with them.  Maybe consider that a hint of her trying to show some unity or sorrow in what she's done.  Who knows what's going on in her mind, but, Love believes the best.

    I think it's great news she said this.  Even if all it means is she intends to get back to church.  

  • Mine said something to me about the house.  Like we would be living here a lot longer.  The  flesh immediately thought, How can you think that with all you are still doing  after all these years that you will get to  remain in this house?  But I had to look at it as love believes the best.  She sees us remaining together long term.  

    It's crazy how all of our spouses reject all that matters.  And that's us sharing God's love with them.  How evil and our flesh in this world can mess up God's plans.

  • I should have said "decisions." Caleb and Becca are more happy than they have ever been and don't want to go back to the old life. I know that marriage is the first priority even above the kids so if I were to get my wife back would the kids be happy? I feel like I'm in a no win situation. Do I restart the Dares? Do I continue to ignore my wife? Do I show her love even if she uses it against me in man's courtroom? Do I witness to her? Do I continue to watch her live in sin and do nothing about it? Will God hold me responsible for not witnessing to her? Do I try to save the family or sit back and let God do it all? Do I be still? So many things that I do not know what to do about.

  • Are you forward thinking and putting all the decisions on you vs living for God for today and leaving the future to for God to control.  I know we need to pan.   But you are thinking of every possible scenario that your imagination or emotions bring up.

    Look at it this way.  The two with you are happy.  That's great.  If a d happens, things won[t change for them.  If you reconcile, they see that their mom and dad are reconciled and getting along.  What a plus for them.  They get to see the fruits of your labor for Christ work.  

  • Wait till some of these situations come up that you are worrying about.  And for now enjoy Christ being with you and Be still.  And if you are considering doing the dares, etc. pray upon these thoughts and wait for His wisdom to come to you in deciding what to do.

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