Collaborate without boundaries

February 13, 2018

  • Comments 1

It was a rough couple of days. My attorney called me yesterday and said that my wife's attorney requested that our hearing for today be postponed because most of the matters that needed to be discussed were taken care of last Monday at the domestic violence hearing. I hate to say those two words because I have NEVER hurt my wife or my kids and I never will. I can't fathom why she would ever say I have. I just don't know what has happened to her mind that she actually thinks that. From talking to her, before I was ordered not to by the court, I think she really believes in her mind that I have physically hurt her in the past and thinks I'm capable of it in the future. It's perplexing. How does the human mind do this?

On one hand the delay is good because it buys me more time. On the other hand I don't get to see my kids for an indefinite period of time. Not because of any court order but because my wife simply won't let them. She keeps telling them that it is against the law even though my attorney tells me it is not. I'm trying to be still and give my wife what she wants even though it is so hard on me to not be with my children.

I called Caleb and told him that the hearing got postponed and he said he doesn't want to talk about it. He's done with the whole thing. He just wants me to move on and take him with me. Becca is upset. She just said that this is all unbelievable. I didn't tell Trinity because she just gets angry about everything recently. Aleigha didn't find out until this morning. She told me good luck in court and I told her it got postponed and I could sense the frustration in her after that. The kids are upset and I wish I had some magical way to make everything better. I wish my wife could see how sorry I am for whatever I've done to her. I wish my family was whole again.

I was extremely upset after learning about the hearing being postponed yesterday. I have always struggled with suicidal thoughts. So much so that whenever I hear someone mention suicide I immediately talk to them. I know how real the struggle can be. It's a very dangerous thing. The only thing I could think about was killing myself to end all of this pain and misery. Then I thought "Lord, how selfish am I being! How can I think that would make anything better?" My pride is so bad that I think killing myself is a solution. I put myself in a position to make me look like I am more important than Jesus Christ, who suffered physically and mentally for ME. I am ashamed of myself. Please God take this pride from me and destroy it. Help me fully realize that nothing on this earth is about me. Help me to somehow glorify You through this. Show me your path. Oh Lord.

  • Thoughts can just pop up in our heads, do not be so much as ashamed of the thoughts that may pop up, but when they do, just keep going back to Christ and all the reasons you stated to refute the thought.  Also, think of how you would leave the children without a dad and (right now, a mother).  And how it would horrifically affect the children and give them an example they may choose to follow if they run into a trial they don't want to face.

    I am sure the thought of ending the misery is a tough cross to bare, but, call someone, go somewhere if these thoughts are more than just a passing thought.  Would it be a good idea to sell the gun(s) to keep temptation away?  

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