Collaborate without boundaries

February 7, 2018

  • Comments 7

I picked up the kids yesterday at 5:00. Nick refused to go so it was just six of us. I took them to Applebees and we had a good time.

Right before I picked them up I talked to Kyle (Amber's brother- psychologist) and he told me to stay the course and everything would work out. I had texted him earlier and said I don't know how I can do seven more days of this. I miss my kids. I told him my attorney suggested this arrangement to me so the domestic violence petition would be dropped and I just need to last a few more days and he will fight for me to get the house and kids next week. Kyle has talked to my wife and I often over the last year and he knows our situation and us very well. He even came one time to spend the weekend with us to try and help us fix our marriage. He says that at this point it is no longer about marriage or divorce but it's about me protecting my children from her. He told me to continue doing exactly what my attorney says and it will all work out in the end. I told him that's exactly what my attorney told me.

Throughout the evening the kids tried to talk about their mother but I did everything I could to change the subject. I managed to get through the whole night and not say one word about what is going on. I did listen to their stories though. Becca said her mom is buying them clothes off the internet and from the mall which is very atypical of her. Like I've said before she is a Goodwill shopper. She has never bought our kids anything from the mall or off the internet or even let them pick their own clothes out. I think she is either doing it because she is trying to get them to like her more right now or she just feels guilty over how she has done them in the past year by deserting them and not spending any money on them at all. Becca seems to think  that her mother's behavior is very strange because of this.

Caleb said he got into it with his grandmother (my mother-in-law.) He said they started arguing in the kitchen and she told him he was being disrespectful and she was not going to talk to him anymore. He said "Good because I didn't come in here to talk to you anyway." He said she told him to get out of her face but he wasn't even close to her. He said she tried to continue arguing but he just left the kitchen and went back to his room. I'm starting to think this whole side of the family has some kind of mental problem. They just want to pretend that there is absolutely nothing negative going on and that these kids should be living their lives as if everything is fine. Then he said his grandpa (my father-in-law) came into his room and asked him how things are going. Caleb said "Not very good obviously." Then he said his grandpa was trying to talk to him so he started playing on his phone and ignored him until he left. I'm the only one that sees what is happening to Caleb. He's 17 years old and the best kid a person could ask for and his life is getting turned upside down by his mother and even though he has verbally told her this she refuses to listen.

Aleigha was super happy because she got to check all of her social media stuff on my work phone. Everyday when I come home from work she gets my work phone and plays on it. Since I haven't been allowed home she hasn't been able to check her stuff. I'm still working on erasing Nick's old phone so I can give it to her.

The first thing Allison said when she saw me was "I miss you so much daddy." I nearly cried and told her she doesn't even have a clue how much I've missed her. Then I started thinking about my attorney telling me that my wife tells her lawyer that I make Allison cry by talking bad about her mommy. So untrue. The baby misses me and that's that. I would never tell a five year old anything bad about her mommy. As a matter of fact I do not have any anger or hatred toward my wife at all. I believe she is going through a very difficult time and making very bad decisions that are affecting our kids in a terribly negative way. The grudge she is holding against me is so intense right now that she can't see what harm her behavior is doing. I am doing the best I can to manage the consequences of her actions and do damage control by telling my kids that we just need to pray for her.

I'm trying to dig deep to find something positive in this whole situation and thanks to something Kyle said I think there is. By my wife forcing me to have no contact with her and very limited interaction with the kids it puts me in a position to where I can't really do anything wrong as long as I just comply with this temporary arrangement. That way my wife can't come up with anything negative about me. Don't get me wrong. It is very difficult being away from my family but I am doing the best I can to pass the time, which consists mostly of reading my Bible in the evenings. I'm working through the Psalms and they are very inspiring.

I stand by my belief that divorce is wrong. Our marriage therapist told us both he has seen much worse marriages be reconciled. Even though I fully realize that my wife and I can not be together right now I believe God can fix this in His time. It is a shame, however,  what my wife is doing to me and her children right now. No matter what anyone says to me I will always believe that if she can make the choice to come back to us everything can be fixed and we can have a beautiful marriage. It's just one simple choice to trust in God and let Him take over.

  • I have been listening to this the past few days and it reminded me of you. Maybe it will help. click on sermons and listen to the HELP! series --

    I have been reading your last week of journals over the past few days and trying to come up with words of advice. Just know I am praying for you and your family.

  • Man, I can imagine the looks you get with all the kids when you are out in public.  the world so often thinks one or two kids is enough and any more is just rediculous.  

    YOur last sentence is it, the way.  and this is what your wife and the son giving problems refuse to admit or choose to do.  and until they do they will stay in a quandary,even though they will force laughter or act like all is well, as you see her doing.

    And you and the other kids are providing light upon those two's path.  .

  • As the mother in law tries to force the world upon her grandkids, to justify selfishness, she is seeing how it isn't true, and has to force or change or manipulate the truth to make her look like she is right.   Just like how some people or even religions will manipulate the bible to conform to their will or desires.  

  • I thought I would add, that wasn't a negative remark at all about  going to Applebees with all the kids.  I think that's great you have a large family.  I just remember getting a few looks when we would  go out as a family, and our family is much smaller  than yours.  

  • sfloyd thanks. I will watch those sermons. I just need words of encouragement. I have a hard time dealing with all of this because I can't figure out the reason behind it. My wife just keeps getting worse. At first she just exaggerated things but now she is starting to completely make up lies and I don't understand it. Things have never been as bad as she claims. I need prayers, she needs prayers and my children need prayers so thank you for that.

    Tim you probably have a lot more experience with this charade that our spouses play. Also my in-laws. It is just so annoying that they get away with it the way they do. I know it won't pay off for them in the end but its hard to deal with in the moment.

  • It is one simple choice , to let go and follow God. It can be very hard to do , to give up control over something. My first time was many years ago and I had to hit rock bottom before I broke down and just couldn’t  do it anymore and gave it all to the Lord and said this problem is yours because I can’t do this by myself anymore.. Kind of like the song title “ Jesus take the wheel “

    I couldn’t believe how quickly and how well things fell into place for me after that, Amazing ! But you have to be in a place to be able to let go and let God do the heavy lifting. I don’t comment very much on your post and wish I could do a better job on that , but know I am reading yours and I pray for you and your family everyday.  I wish we were neighbors so we could have coffee and talk sometimes .. Thanks for carrying the torch for the rest of us to follow .. Best wishes to you my friend.

  • Thanks Rick. I considered myself a "Christian" my entire life but I never once lived it. It wasn't until May14, 2017 that I gave everything to Him. It took my wife leaving to put me in that "rock bottom" place and maybe that was God's will. I don't know. But it served it's purpose and brought me fully to Him. I have been as pure as I can possibly be for the last nine months and I am determined to live my life according to exactly what the Bible says. I have been at peace inside since then with the exception of my wife leaving. That is still difficult to deal with.

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