Collaborate without boundaries

January 30, 2018

  • Comments 10

My hearing for this protective order my wife got against me will probable be the same day as our d hearing on February 13th. So I won't see my kids for two weeks. My wife knows that this is devastating to me because I have never ever left my kids for anything. I'm looking for a place to stay until then since I can't go within 50 feet of my home. My attorney advised me even after this protective order is done to have very little contact with my wife and absolutely do not live with her because she is trying to find anything she can to incriminate me. He said even if she comes back begging to restore the marriage I need to walk away right now. I thought things were going well between us this weekend to spite our son running away but as soon as she got an opportunity she took his side against me and attacked me with this protective order. I have to protect myself and my other children right now but I will always wait for my wife to get help and for her to come back some day.

I believe one or both of the following things contributed to her breakdown. She probably received my answer to her d papers and did not like that I asked for the house, the kids, child support and alimony. She also texted me Saturday night and blamed me for her father cutting ties with her. I told her that was not my fault but she completely blames me. I know it hurts her- and therefore hurts me- but her dad said her actions are inexcusable and that it has nothing to do with what I have said. I talked to him about it and he told me not to worry myself because his decision had nothing to do with me. He said it is completely based on her actions. He said last month he spoke to her and she did nothing but talk bad about me and he didn't believe her. He said he was just tired of her lies.

I have meditated and thought about what in the world is going on in my wife's head. Two years ago when she beat our son and got our lives turned upside down it started something terrible in her. Then when we lost the two year old biological sister of our youngest daughter we were fostering, because of that incident, I believe it compounded the problems in her mind. We were six weeks away from finalizing the adoption but two judges told us we could not have her back. I have been in therapy ever since dealing with that loss but my wife has never tried to deal with it. I believe she has built some kind of psychological wall around all of this because she doesn't want to face it. As far as I know she has never apologized or repented for any of it and I think it is devouring her from the inside. I believe she has gone so far with this situation that now she feels like there is no turning back. She wants to escape the pain instead of dealing with it but this kind of pain can't be escaped.

My children talked to me last night. My 17 year old son, Caleb, said he got into an altercation with his mother. He said he was telling her to stop this nonsense and she said it would be settled in court. She threatened to call the cops on him because of the way he was acting. He called me and told me about it and I told him to just stay away from her right now and stay calm. Then I had him call his Uncle Kyle (the psychologist) and talk to him about it. Kyle called me later and said he got Caleb calmed down and he should be ok.

I talked to my 15 year old, Becca, also. She has been staying at a friend's house and said she isn't going home until I am there or her mother makes her. She said she was upset because her mom has only contacted her once in the last 24 hours to ask if she is coming home to which Becca replied no and then her mom didn't say anything else to her the rest of the day. Becca told me when her mom dialed 911 Sunday night she made the decision to be done with her. Becca begged her not to call. Becca and her friend Kira also told me that they found out that Nick had traded the xboxs and tablet he stole from the house for marijuana. I was advised by my attorney to go to the court house today and file incorrigibility on my son so the state can take custody of him and also file a stolen property report. He is just unmanageable and I have to get him help before he destroys himself.

I texted my 13 year old, Trinity, but I was told she had a friend over and she didn't respond until this morning. She said she was ok and she loved me. I also talked to my 10 year old, Aleigha many times all evening. She uses the house phone to call me. She is very sad because I'm not home and she really doesn't know what to do so I talk to her to help calm her down. She calls before school , after school and many times in the evenings.

  • I'm so sorry.  Sometimes no matter how hard we try, we can't "fix" those we love.  It's meant for us to love them from a distance.  

    I've always said that I can't help anyone and it sounds like you need to focus on being the best you that you can be.  You have some pretty good kids in a tough situation that will need you to be strong.  Be their peace in this storm even though it's killing you on the inside.  

  • God,  somehow, will use all this for His good, and yours, and the kids, because of your love for Him.  

    As the kids let her know how upset they are with her and how she acts, she will take that out on you.  But, through the kids', Christ can place conviction upon her just like He does when she strikes at you.

    You are probably right about why she is doing what she is doing. But, don't worry about figuring all  that out.  Unless you need to be prepared for court in order to protect the family.

  • Keep showing God's peace in your life the best you can, especially for your kids.  They some day will be in a trial of their own, and  how they choose to respond in their trial may very well depend on your testimony on how you are choosing love in this trial of yours.

  • MrsW, I've never heard anyone say we need to love them from a distance but that is so very true. That's my only option at this point. Once I get out of this I will just wait and pray for her.

    Tim, You're so right about her taking the kids behavior out on me. Right now everything is taken out on me. In her eyes II can do nothing right. It's a hard pill to swallow knowing this person whom you shared such intimate moments with seems to hate your very existence.

    Thank you all for the support. I feel like giving up often but your comments keep me going.

  • I am on day 4 of the Love Dare,  My wife told me 12/14 she was done with our marriage. out of the blue.  I convinced her to at least try after 10 years she tired then stopped then tried then stopped.  We went to a counselor 4 times.  She says she is done and that is it.  Oh by the way we have 7 year old son, too.  Like I said I am on day 4 and did the dare, she sent me a text back and said that she wants to make sure we are on the same page which is separating and divorce.  Do I tell her that I am doing the Dare.  Do I tell her that this is what she wants not what I want, and I am looking for a miracle to save our marriage.  What do you guys think I should do tonight?

  • Singlechief, typically when we tell our spouses we are doing the Love Dare, they may look at this as a step by step guide to win them back and that we really aren't on a journey with Christ to change long term.  

    If she asks if you are on the same page, let her know in your words that you are standing for the marriage and are on a journey to change and be molded by Christ to learn to love as He loves.  She will push at times for you to agree with her on a d or a separation, just  so she can point the finger at you too if a d happens.  That way she won't feel like she is to blame since it  would be a mutual decision.

    When you are unsure what to do, it is often best to Be Still, and Know He is God.

    Try journaling if  you can, often times it's tough to keep reading older posts.  If you have trouble doing your own journal, let us know in someone elses post and we will help you out.  

  • Tim

    I would like to start my own journal how exactly do I do that.  I do not see where I can start that.

  • Check the "Dashboard" link under "Community." I think that is where you start a journal.

  • If you still can't find out how, let us know on someone elses entry.  It isn't an easy site to get use to.  Aslo, if you are posting, yoiu can easily get timed out.  If you can, it may be best to type on a word doc and then copy and paste in your journal.  Let us know......

  • I have looked under the Dashboard and I don't see where I can start a new journal.

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