Collaborate without boundaries

R2 Day 19 Love is Impossible- Done

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This whole process has seemed impossible. 1-1/2 times through the Love Dare and my wife is still the same. When I started I wanted her back so bad. Now 59 days later I still want her back but it is more for my children and for the overall testimony for God. I know that our relationship can work if we both seriously work on it but right now that seems so far from possible. If my wife actually goes through with this my children will see God as a joke. I say this because they already verbalize this to me. No matter what I do they only criticize me for remaining true to a God they say is doing nothing. I disagree because I feel so different and more alive than ever but it is so hard to continue to witness to them because of their mother. I feel stuck, like I can't witness to her because it only angers her more but, by not doing anything, I am dishonoring God because I should be fighting for my wife. I can't seem to find the middle ground. I don't feel like I acted properly this weekend even though I only told the truth. I feel like I went too far and called her out on too much and like has been said to me before, I brought condemnation down on her. I feel like she needs that but not from me. I thought at the time I was showing love by bring her the truth but in hindsight, it was not love. So I'll just post the conversation to reflect on later. This was after I decided to get the kids something to eat after church instead of making them food. I was out getting food when she got home and noticed I wasn't there so she called me and on speaker phone said, with my daughter listening, "You didn't tell me you were doing that." In my head I think why am I supposed to tell her my every move when she tells me nothing. Why should I do something that she doesn't do? The answer- because that is love. I know the answer but I can't seem to do it. I said to her that I need her to do me a favor but as we were carrying stuff in the house we didn't talk about it anymore until she texted me later.

Her: You told me you needed me to do you a favor. You didn't tell me what.

Me: I would like you to stop saying that I didn't tell you things. You have to let go and stop placing ALL the blame on me. I'm trying very hard to do the right thing.

Her: Do what? Say that you didn't tell me something?

Me: I am 100% confident that if you would give in to God and listen to what is preached in church that our marriage would be great and life would be amazing. (Me placing blame- I'm a hypocrite)

Her: It's not that big of a deal. I feel like you are overreacting about me saying "you didn't tell me." That's a statement , not blame. You're taking it wrong.

Me: I'm reacting overall to what is becoming of this family. I'm fighting as hard as I can to save us all and I see you as the opposite. You blame me for everything and I can't be responsible for everything that is wrong. I'm half the problem. (Me placing blame- second time)

Her: I would appreciate it if you would communicate with me about the kids.

Me: You are asking too much. You walked out on us. You're rarely home. I don't trust you. They don't trust you. We can fix this or we can destroy each other in court. It's your choice. (Me placing blame- third time)

Her: That's not true. I'm home except two nights in almost a month and that was for work. You can choose to come to an agreement before court.

Me: You know the truth. I will fight to the ends of the earth for my kids. I am fighting for you also. You can change. (Me placing blame- fourth time)

Her: You're fighting against me.

Me: You just need to do exactly what the preacher said this morning. (Me placing blame- fifth time)

Her: Either I do what you say or you try your best to hurt me.

Me: You are doing evil. I'm fighting against evil. I want to save you from that. You've built some kind of fantasy world where you think your actions are ok. (Me placing blame- sixth time)

Her: You need to forgive and treat me the way you would if nothing ever happened. That's what the preacher says and you just said in front of the kids they don't have to listen to me.

Me: No one else thinks that except your parents and your friends. You're wrong. I'm ready with open arms. I forgave you a long time ago. (Me placing blame-seventh time)

Her: So you think it's Godly to say that I'm not part of this family and the kids don't have to listen to me?

Me: You are not part of this family. You separated yourself. You told the kids on April 30th that you would rip this family apart. They all heard you say that. We can be a family. You choose to do the opposite. I'm fighting that. There's no way you can possibly argue that what you are doing is right. No one in the church or around us believes that except those I mentioned already. Your parents and friends. They are worldly and know nothing about what is right. (Me placing blame- eighth time)

Her: Can you please stop sending these texts?

Me: I have never told the kids not to listen to you. I don't even know how your mind is coming up with that.

Her: I'm asking you to text me about the kids.

Me: I send you the truth because you constantly talk to me pretending everything is ok. I can't pretend like that. You don't see what this is doing to the kids. (Me placing blame- ninth time)

Her: We need to get along for the kids, we need to communicate about the kids. I'm not pretending anything.

Then later the kids were asking me about something that they heard about in school. One of the teachers that they saw at our marriage therapist apparently cheated on her husband and they are now going to the same marriage therapist that I am going to. Our 10 year old talked to her one day while I was in therapy and asked if my wife and I were in the session at that time. My daughter said no just my dad. And when the teacher asked where her mom was she said that her mom is hardly ever home. So my wife overheard this conversation and texted me.

Her: It's weird that you said you don't talk bad about me to the kids cause I just heard you.

Me: Telling the truth. Nothing more.

I feel honestly like I am just speaking the truth. And the truth can hurt when it's about you. The kids know more than we think they do and they actually tell me a lot. Like when my son told me that people around town are talking about my wife cheating on me.

I told my wife later that I was starting on the book of Psalms and she could join if she wanted to. She said she may do that but when I started I told her and she didn't come.

This morning as I am journaling I get a call from the middle school assistant principal. Our 14 year old son posted inappropriate things on social media. As I suspected he is sneaking out of the house at night and doing everything he is not supposed to be doing. My family is crumbling and I can't help it.

  • If I read that right about the teacher she was inappropriate asking your child about you  two.

    Maybe think about this......

  • If I read that right about the teacher she was inappropriate asking your child about you  two.

    Maybe think about this......

  • When Jesus said if a people do not accept your teachings to shake the dust off your shoes as you leave that town.  

    Maybe do the same, in as far as stop talking to her about God, but don't shake your sandles or leave town.  But continue to show love through being kind and patient.  

    Stop saying she's not part of the family.

  • Our children are too involved and hear too much. I need to keep my mouth shut. It's a real struggle.

  • Do not give weight to what others are saying she's up to.  They enjoy believing the worse and spreading falsehoods about others.

  • Consider holding back the truth you share with her until she is open to it.  And for now let God reveal the truth in His way.

  • It s a struggle.  I wish I had your strength to share Christ.

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