Collaborate without boundaries

R2 Day 9 Love Makes Good Impressions

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After rereading this dare I realized that I have slacked off on this from the first round. I don't typically greet my wife at all. I don't talk to her at all unless I'm responding to a question. I just have a great fear that anything I say will be used against me (and it typically is.)

I had to prepare myself for this greeting today. I rehearsed it over and over in my head. I wanted to make sure I remained positive no matter what happened. I got home a few minutes before she did and as soon as she walked in the door I smiled and said "Hi." That was really all I could think to do. I didn't say much more unless she asked me a question but I did remain warm and friendly. I had bought some gum and candy bars that I had coupons for and the kids wanted them but I told them mom gets to pick first so I asked her if she wanted anything and she picked a pack of gum and said "thanks" and started on dinner.

When the kids were out of the room and she was putting pizza in the oven she did say something out of the blue concerning the texts I had sent her earlier that morning. She said she didn't leave the TV on last night. That it was our daughter. I think she was looking at the whole conversation as I was blaming her for something. I responded by saying I wasn't blaming her for anything. I was just using that as an example of a problem I had, that I dealt with, and it doesn't affect me anymore. I told her I meant no harm by saying that and I even said that in the text. This happens to be one of those moments where she is going to search for the most negative thing she can to justify her behavior.

I was excited earlier in the day because I told her our son and I would be watching the basketball game from 7-9pm and said I want nothing more in the world than for her to sit and watch it with us. She responded with "Sure!" With an exclamation point!!! I was excited. She missed the first half but sat with us for most of the second half. She was coughing and wheezing and said she didn't feel good like maybe the flu was coming on. I asked her if I could get her some hot tea or coffee and she said no. So we did spend some quality time together before she headed off to our daughters room. Our daughter slept in her sister's room again. That's one thing that I think is terrible. The kids shouldn't have to adjust their lives to work around ours but she doesn't want her mom sleeping in her room and she doesn't want to hurt her mom's feelings by telling her that.

Then, around 10pm, as I was sitting in bed reading a book that my therapist recommended to me called "Becoming Attached" by Robert Karen, that he says may give me some insight into why my wife is acting like she does, she texted me and said to let the dog out and tell our 14 year old to stop playing games and go to bed. So I did all of that, finished a chapter in the book, read a couple chapters in Matthew and went to sleep. A good day.

I think Day 8 is an important day to remember throughout The Love Dare. That warm, friendly greeting can go a long way. I want to do this every day from now on.

  • Yes, always greet your wife.  And always say goodby when you leave, such as running a quick errand, etc.  because as irrational as it is, she may get jealous, believe the worse, and think you are sneaking off to do something she would not approve of, such as texting, calling, or seeing another woman.  

    She probably doesn't think any of these things, but it is amazing what they can come up with.  

    Wow, that happily shocked me when she said yes with an !.  And I don't think that today she will put her wall back up because she softened a little last night.  But if she does, do not get down, for it will be temporarily back up further than it was.

  • I can't remember the specifics of that text about leaving the tv on, but consider not pointing out the things you are overcoming.  For one, she will look at it in the worse light, like she did, two she may think you are just showing pride in that you have become Mr. Religious., or threee, you are showing her how much better you are than her.  I know you aren't doing any of these things, but she will twist these things  to make you look bad.

  • Sounds like you had a good day, thank God.

  • One of the worst things I have ever done over the years is leave the house without telling her. I used to make quick trips to the store and she would text and ask where I'm at. It just never occurred to me to tell her. I see that it is very important now. It's hard to tell what goes through her mind. I set this all up for failure because I lacked wisdom.

    I know I made a mistake with the TV thing. I'm certain she looked at it as me saying I'm better than her. Absolutely not what I intended. Unconditional love and humility are so anti-human. So hard to be committed to.

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