Collaborate without boundaries

Day 30 Love Brings Unity- Done

  • Comments 5

Wow what a journey so far. I have gone from just not wanting to my wife to leave but to a desire for God to be in her life like mine. God has shown me so much patience with my idiocy that that alone causes me to praise him more. (I copied and pasted this from Mistylmh because it is exactly how I feel)

At the second I started to pray God immediately told me what I needed. I have to get rid of my control issues. Letting go of 100% control of the finances was very difficult. Maybe not even complete because I continue to track all of our bills because they are still in my name and I don't fully trust my wife to pay them. I have already gotten a call from a collection agency where she didn't pay one of her medical bills, which legally I can possibly be held responsible for. She did ask me last week to look at the bills and make sure she paid them all correctly and told me that she messed up and got one of the bills sent to collections. She didn't try to hide it from me. I know there are other issues like this. As I have been reading about control I realize that I do have a problem. I have always felt the need to prove myself, be in charge, and get my way. All things I am working on changing. Since getting baptized I DID put on a new life and I now put others above myself but my reputation, especially with my wife, haunts me. I need to destroy that reputation and show everyone that I am someone new- in Christ. I am a servant.

I did get an answer to my question I gave her on a piece of paper over the weekend from Day 28- "What can I sacrifice to make your life better?" I said that day that I didn't expect to ever get an answer but this morning when I sent her a text telling her I realize I have a control issue and I am working on it I asked her if she thought about that question and I got an answer. (A great reason to not rely on expectations.) She replied that if there was one thing I could do it would be to listen better. She said she thinks I only absorb 1/3 of everything she says to me. Which is probably true. That's why I have been really trying to focus on her when she is talking lately instead of playing on my phone or doing anything else. I also asked her if she would help me understand my control issues and help me with them. So that's something for her to think about now.

My wife wasn't home at 9:30 last night and my 13 year old daughter asked me where she was and I said I didn't know so my daughter called her and found out she was Christmas shopping. Then I remembered that she told me she was going Christmas shopping after work. A perfect example of not listening. I have so far to go.

She had a job interview at the place where she worked with the Dr. she was "confiding" in earlier this year. She got a new job a few months ago but now they want her back there. She says nothing happened outside of talking to him and that she doesn't talk to him anymore but I have a hard time believing her. I know I should believe her but it's really hard when I read articles about how her behavior is reflective of a third person being involved in our relationship. Plus our marriage therapist (who she quit seeing 2 months ago) said her body language indicated that there was more to that relationship that she was admitting and someone at our church said the same thing. Also my friend said my wife is acting just like his ex wife did when she was cheating on him. Maybe I'm listening to the world too much and I should focus on my unconditional love for my wife.

I've been showing her a tremendous amount of love lately as hard as it is to do. I do it for Christ.

  • Wanting your wife to have God in her life like you is a fantastic way to look at it.  I'll have to start praying in those terms.  Thanks.

    Consider looking over the bills as a way to support her, like a team effort vs. not having confidence in her ability to pay the bills on time.

    it's great you were baptized,.  If your kids are not baptized, do so soon.  If unsure about the adopted ones, get them baptized to be safe.

    you mention your reputation haunts you, in time your changes that are transforming you will transform your rejputation, in fact it is already starting.

  • Step over your fear of talking to her and talk.  Let go of texting as a safety blanket.  

    When the daughter asks where mom is and you don't know, get busy with the love believes the best.  Let her know she may be shopping for groceries or clothes or household supplies, or seeing a movie to just have some alone time, or visiting a good friend or closer relative.  Something that shows her everything is okay and shows you that you are believing the best.

  • Continue love believes the best about the doctor.  Even therapists can read into things and assume the worse instead of believing the best.  So can friends.  Trust that if God wants you to know something you will find out.  Plus, what if you choose to find out on your own.  Wheres that lead you,?  To heart ache and the task of forgiving her.  So , really, in the long run, does it matter if she is talking to him?  Because if she isn't that's great, but if she is and you forgive and she stops, isn't that the same end result?  If that makes sense, I dont word things well.  

  • I'm at a similar point.  Of my wife possibly looking for  anew job.  And i am struggling similarly.  She when she was going out for the first few years getting so many guys numbers it was ridiculous.  And my concern if she finds a new job, there is another pool of guys to get numbers from.  So, do we believe the best?  or protect our marriage by keeping our spouses away from potential physical or emotional affairs?.

  • I haven't given this much thought since she isn't looking at a new job now, but my first thought is protect the marriage.  Our spouses should not be in temptation.  But I admit that i have not prayed or thought about this much at all.  And my response in this regard is based on my flesh at this point.  

    But, if your wife has had an emotional affair with this doctor, my thought is she should not work with him.

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