Collaborate without boundaries

Day 28 Love Make Sacrifices- Done

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The only thing I could manage to do for this one was hand her a note during the day that said "What can I sacrifice in my life that would make your life better? 12 hours later I still don't have an answer and I don't expect one but at least I put myself out there. If she tells me to get rid of a possession I have then it's gone. Now that I realize how important my marriage is to God there isn't anything I'm not willing to give up. Her stress has always been caused by my lack of concern. I was only concerned about myself. Now, I am only concerned for her. I want to humble myself to put every single one of her needs above my own. I still have a long way to go as shows from this weekend:

We spent the weekend at a family wedding 4 hours away so I didn't have much time to talk to my wife. She had to go up a day earlier than me because one of our children was in the wedding and had to be there for rehearsal. Our four girls went with her and the next day my two boys and I went up. I cried a lot during the wedding because of obvious reasons. At one point I thought what's the use of all of this? There's a 50% chance this marriage will fail. As I'm typing this I realize that was Satan whispering in my ear. So we got through the wedding then the same thing happened at the reception. They just kept playing songs that brought back good memories, for me anyway. Then, back at the hotel, things started going south. We had separate rooms and my two older girls came to my room and said they weren't staying with their mom because she was being mean. So they wanted to sleep in the boys room. I told them that was fine. I see how my wife treats them and I don't think they should have to put up with it. I did tell the kids that they need  to respect their mom though and we need to pray for her. Then I texted my wife:

Me: Today has been a rough day for me. I hope your day has been good. Still no matter what I love you unconditionally.

Her: I know it seems unimportant to you but I'm upset that you took the kids early from the wedding. It was important to me and I'm upset you let the girls swim in panties in public.

Me: I thought we were supposed to leave. Everyone else was leaving. This is a good example of bad communication. I didn't know I was doing anything wrong. The girls had long t-shirts on and it was late (in the hotel) and no one was there.

Her: You could have asked me. I had already told them no swimming because we couldn't find suits which I said in front of you. SO to me it looks like you did something fun for them so they would all leave with you. I said it in front of you. I said I already looked at Wal-mart and they didn't have anything. I said I'm not spending $45-$50 on clothes to go swimming in.

-I took the kids to Wal-mart and bought them some spandex things and t-shirts so they could swim. and before I did I told her that even though she had already looked I was going to take them to try to find something.

Me: I do nothing to influence the kids. I don't talk about  you to them at all. I only act like a loving father. I don't think I've done anything wrong at all. I make all of my decisions based on my biblical knowledge.

-Sometimes I make decisions by myself because she refuses to put God into any of her decisions and I cannot just completely ignore my kids. I have a duty to be a good father. The girls unloaded all kinds of things on me that she said about me the day before. It was extremely hurtful but I told them she was just angry and I tried to defend her behavior. All four of my kids then asked me why I let her push me around and trample on me. They said I need to stand up for myself. I told them that wouldn't be showing love and showed them Philippians 2:3 as to why I "let her push me around." I told them the only thing that will help the situation is love.

Her: Are the girls coming back down?

Me: They said they are not coming back down.

Her: Ok that's fine, I just needed to know. Weird because they told me they were coming up for boots. (Then my 13 year old called her and said they were not coming back to her room because she was being mean. Then they just kept telling me bout all the stuff she yelled at them about all weekend so far. It's just heartbreaking to me. I just listened to them and tried my best to defend her to them.)

Me: They are upset. I'm upset. Let's just go to sleep.

Her: I wasn't yelling at the girls, only telling them they weren't being reasonable about something.

Me: I don't know what to say. I'm terrible upset and I can't talk right now. I love you no matter what. I'll do what I can for you but right now I need some space.

Her: You don't love me or you wouldn't treat everything like a competition.

I didn't answer that and went to sleep.

Me: (next morning) I don't do that. I only listened to the girls last night. Then I DEFENDED you. They told me things like " I need to be a man" and "I need to stop letting you trample on me." I told them that's not love. Then they made fun of me but it doesn't matter because I am living for Christ. I'm hurting to the core over this but I'm doing the best I can. I will continue to love you unconditionally, no matter what.

Then on our way home she was getting mad about a few different things. I was trying to be very nice and she finally just left with the two youngest kids while the other four rode with me. The ones with me got really mad and said they were tired of her and the way she acts. They said they don't want to be around her at all. I told them we have to pray for her and if she repents we have to forgive her and rejoice. I had bought her something to drink for the trip and she thanked me. She also said that the things she was mad about brought up a lot of memories of feelings that she can't do anything right. She said I used to yell at her if we got lost or she didn't know where we were going. I honestly don't remember that but either I did it and was completely oblivious or she has created exaggerated memories. I really don't know at this point.

I told her I was sorry and I wasn't like that anymore. I told her she is more important to me than where we are going to eat or anything like that. THen I told her I appreciate her sharing her feelings with me.

It was a long crazy weekend.

  • She got a chance to voice more of her anger, justified anger or not, it  really doesn't matter.  And she will twist things a bit to make all things your fault.  You need to remain very, very consistent in showing kindness and patients, because that is what will show love to her.  

    I would have to reread what you said about who went to the store for what to swim in whatever. But if you did things perfectly there, she will find a  way to tell you how you messed it all up, to get at you, to get you to break and show the person who she thinks you really are verses the person you have become.

  • This is going to go on for some time.  How  long can  you bite your tongue and  then show her love?  it may get to the point you will have  to bite your tongue  so hard that  you bite it in half.  Not  literally of course.  The flesh may say enough is enough. but God says it is never  enough of what you do, for she is your wife by covenant.

    Let go of the hurt and  feel sorry for  her, then pray for her in these moments.

  • I do question where you say we have  to forgive her if  she repents.  Just forgive her no matter if she repents  or not.  

    Be at peace over this weekend.  Eventually if  not already, she knows  she blew up and screwed up.  But this may make her strike at you all the harder, for  a time.  

    Keep being Christ for her and the kids.

  • If you could  hand her a note, wouldn't you have also been able to say a sentence or two to complete the dare that way?

  • I believe I messed up on the swimsuit thing. I should have not let the kids swim. It only mad her mad so I should have avoided it.

    I have felt the enemy trying to convince me to give up. I felt like that Saturday morning but even after a very difficult weekend with much prayer and words from her Christian family I see that me following Christ is the most important thing.

    I see that I should forgive her whether she repents or not. Thanks for pointing that out.

    I could have said something to her but I'm afraid to talk to my own wife (because she does find the negative in everything.) It's a shame that I feel that way.

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