Collaborate without boundaries

Day 23

  • Comments 4

Weekend update.

Thursday my wife asked me to take her car to the shop to get it looked at because it was acting funny. I haven't driven the car for months, since she left. I took it to a local shop and they gave it a tune up and told me there was something else wrong but I would have to take it to a specialized VW repair shop. I paid the $200 for that even though she had given them her debit card number. A little while later it started acting up again and I ended up dropping it off to a VW dealer and gave them her number. I rented her a nice Nissan Altima to use for work until the car is fixed. She texted me the next day and said she had no idea why the repair shop charged me when she gave them her card number. It was in the middle of a bunch of other texts so I never did respond to it. I really don't know how she would have know that unless she called them because she didn't see a charge on her card or maybe she logged into our joint account, which is the one I use, and saw the charge. Either way I just wanted to pay for it because it is OUR car.

She had to drive our other car for a bit while I was getting that worked out and I left her a gift in it. I also cleaned the car out and turned the bass down on the radio because she hates the bass to be loud. I try to do things that would comfort her without telling her. She may or may not notice but it gets me into the habit of thinking of her above myself. The gift I got her was a gold Russian ring necklace with three interlaced rings with our six kids names engraved on it. She sent me a text thanking me for it and said it was beautiful.

Friday I was expecting some movies to come in the mail and I got an email that they were undeliverable. After checking with the post office I discovered that she had put a hold on our mail. I texted her and asked why and she said because her paycheck had been mailed to the house. I said ok and left it at that. She then kept texting me all these reasons why she did it. My response was that there was no explanation needed. I want to let her know that I trust her. As hard as that is.

For the last five days I have been having the kids sit down when we eat, as a family, so we can talk. They are not used to this and are fighting it but I think it is very important and I will continue to do it. She called me this morning and I ended up mentioning that we are doing this and she knew about it already because her mother babysits for us a lot and told her that I was making the kids do this. My wife said she doesn't like the idea of them having to wait until I get off work to eat dinner at 6pm but I said it is important for families to do this and they can snack until I get home but we ARE going to eat as a family.  It's my job as the spiritual leader of the family. Even thought the kids fight it we have had some really good conversations and I am loving it. I'm afraid it is going to bring the kids even closer to me though and make them resent her more. I just hope she sees this happening and makes the decision to be part of the family again. I do not want them hating her but her own choices are what is actually doing that.

When she stayed at our house last Wednesday and Thursday I went to our bed at 10pm and told her I was sleeping in the bed because I feel that is the right thing to do (I have been sleeping downstairs on the days she decides to come home.) She was angry and said I agreed to sleep downstairs and now I'm changing my mind and that makes her mad. I told her I prayed about it and talked to my therapist about it among other people and it is what the Bible leads me to do. She ended up sleeping with our daughter and "bad mouthing" me to her. Our daughter told me the next day. She said my wife asked her if I talk bad about her and our daughter said "Actually, no, he doesn't." That made me feel good because our kids see me showing unconditional love and I think my wife sees her negative expectations not coming to fruition, which I'm sure is hard for her to process.

Tonight is marriage therapy (which she quit about two months ago) and when she called me earlier this morning about the car I told her I was going and invited her. She said she had to work but at least she didn't just say NO. I still have the hope and faith in God that she will someday want to talk with me about what is actually hurting inside of her. Love never fails.

  • Be careful about dong the gifts, if it's more than a dare a day.  Do not be surprised if she loves the necklace one moment and hates it the next.  Not that she will hate it necessarily, but hate it because of the frustration it brings upon her, if that makes sense.  but do not worry at all if she says at some point she doesn't like it.  It can also be a way of her showing you and proving to herself she hasn't softened.  That is so important to our spouses to prove how high their wall is.  

  • The paying for the repair, lowering the base, and the rental, all showing kindness.  She will notice, but may not say anything.  She may be still wondering if this is the new you or a ruse to win her back and go back to the old Eddie.  Time and lots of consistency in biting your tongue and showing patience and kindness can change that thought she has.

  • That's great about not speaking a bad word about their mom.  That can be tough to do.  

    I think you mentioned in someone's reply that you sometimes avoid her calls because it hurts to hear or talk to her.  I understand that.  But, is that showing kindness?  What if she's calling you to check up on what you are up to all in the guise of bringing up something about the kids.  As much as we wonder what they are doing, at times, they wonder the same about us.  Take the calls,don't abandon her like that.  

  • You're exactly right tim. It's not showing kindness. I took her call today and even asked her to go to marriage therapy. She made an excuse but at least I talked to her and asked.

Page 1 of 1 (4 items)