Collaborate without boundaries

Day 78

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Well today's dare is one that I can't fully accomplish, like the first time through. I cant fully accomplish it purely due to finances. But, as I put in yesterday's journal, I just get creative how I can still "do" the dare with the limitations. I may not financially be able to give her the things she wants but I have had plans in motion since the last time to get in that direction. One is simple, she has stated many times about wanting to be a stay-at-home mom. Because of the debt we both had prior to marriage and that we accumulated, this wasn't an option before in order to keep the bills paid. Well we sold our house and bought a new one. I used the money to pay off cars and a few loans. With this decrease in bills, we should save roughly $300-$500 extra per month than we were. I use that money to turn around and pay off other debt. Soon, our debt should be minimal enough that my paycheck should be able to cover all the bills and she can stay home to be with the kids and the home and those things she desires. After that, I can focus on another thing she has expressed interest in over the years. One step at a time. I'm sure there could be something simpler I could accomplish for her, but she is very simple in how she thinks and is not driven by materialistic things. So I can only do what I can do to fulfill her dreams.

A note to yesterday's entry. I typed it early in the day while at work. Toward the end of my shift, thoughts I thought I had gotten passed came back. Distracted me from what I was supposed to be doing. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack with all the negative thoughts that I just couldn't shake. I began asking God for help. On the way home, I prayed my normal daily prayer so that I would be ok when I got home. When I first started praying more often (I lost my faith for a time so I'm relearning and returning to it all) I prayed for me. I've since changed it and pray for us both. I ask God to grant both of the strength to shoulder the issues that come up and the troubles that exist (cliff notes version), the wisdom to understand each other (what we are feeling and wants and needs), the guidance to navigate this time, and the patience to endure the long haul and not be too hasty in decisions. I also pray He opens our hearts and minds to each other. I pray for her safety as she ventures out and the safety of my daughter. This usually calms me and it did till I got home. She was already dressed and was waiting for me so she could leave to meet someone. I felt it all rise up again but I somewhat kept it under control. A few tears did come out but I told her how I felt I was doing and how I saw my progress. I added that I'm not looking for accolades or acknowledgment but just to talk to her (things like this have happened from time to time since she had seen the book and I explained it to her). She just did a little smirk then got up to leave. I regained my composure to leave the room with her and to go where the kids were. I told her bye, have fun, told my daughter bye and goodnight, and wished her well. Its still hard to watch her walk out the door to go be with someone else. I know in her mind we are separated, but to me, we are married with troubles, but she needs her space, needs room to do her thing also, so I deal with it. I prayed again after she left and later in the night. This morning, she got home just before I left for work. I greeted her friendly, we talked a short time, and then I told her bye and that I'd be home after work.

Yes I know this is a trail and a walk with God and that she is being used to improve me and I've seen improvements, small but they are there, but I cant help but also see my goal of keeping the marriage together and the wife I choose to love unconditionally. I hope at the end of this, that even though I will be a better person, that she will still be here to share our life together. I've told her our marriage will not be the same, and it shouldn't be. The same got us where we are now. That through my efforts, and the things going on, our marriage can not go back to the way it was.

 

  • It's good you say goodbye to her, but why say have fun?  To me that sounds like you are endorsing meeting someone.  Pray God puts a barrier between her and others and any bonds she has with others are broken.  and to protect the sanctity of your marriage.  And  that she feels Christ's conviction from what she is doing and knows that it is Christ working in her and knows how to respond to it.

  • Nearly all of us come here to fix our  marriage.  But we quickly find out that the dares mold us to love and  forgive like Jesus does.  And that if we stand for  the marriage, and do as the  dares teach, that God will do the fixing.  And  who better to fix the marriage, God or us?  

    So,  yes, we all still  want our marriages reconciled, but the first focus is improving us through our journey with Christ.  

  • And letting God work in the marriage.  

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