Collaborate without boundaries

Love must still cherish

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A month since I have posted anything – I have tried hard to separate myself from all things marriage-and-divorce related, and have spent a lot of time with friends, getting outdoors and walking, and trying to rediscover me.  Since my last journal entry, there has been no communication between DH and me, not even any Facebook likes, until today….

I have known for weeks and weeks that I would eventually have to contact DH in order to wrap some things up – file our taxes for last year since we filed an extension, close out our savings account, etc.  I think that I have procrastinated doing these things for several reasons.  First, it is just plain painful to communicate with him.  I am still devastated by the loss.  And I have simply dreaded having to do so.  Second, I think there is a part of me that has been holding out hope, that perhaps if given enough time, he still might change his mind.  I have wished that whenever I did contact him, that he would tell me he had made a terrible mistake.  Third, I know that once we have tied up all the loose ends, there will be a finality to things that doesn’t exist now because I know that I still must have some limited interaction with him. 

So, this evening I finally reached out to him by text.  I told him that I hoped he had a good 4th, and that I would like to get the tax stuff together for the accountant, if that was still ok with him.  He said it was and that he could have his stuff ready sometime next week.  He asked if I ever got my health insurance straightened out, and I told him I did.  He said that he hoped everything was going well for me.  I replied that things are as well as can be expected under the circumstances, and thanked him for his sentiment.  He asked if everything was ok.  I replied that my family was doing fine, work was going great, but that I am grieving a great loss in my life, so no, everything is not ok.  I told him to just let me know when he had his stuff together for the taxes, and thanked him for being agreeable to filing together because it will save me some money that way.  He said ok and that I was in his prayers. 

After this whole episode, I realized a very un-Christlike attitude in my heart.  I am wanting him to feel the same level of loss and hurt and grief that I am feeling – but he never will, and that is not loving of me.  Love desires the best for the other person.  I went back and read the first journal entry that I made on this site – “God has impressed upon me to wait patiently, love my husband unconditionally, honor my wedding vows, and plant my feet firmly.”  I have learned a lot about waiting patiently over the past year, I honored my wedding vows, and my feet have never wavered.  But I have dropped the ball when it comes to unconditional love.  In my post-divorce pain, I have allowed my heart to falter.  I must let go of my desire for him to be as grief-stricken as I am.  My love for him must still be a love that cherishes - "Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others." —Philippians 2:4

On July 4 last year, DH and I went to his daughter’s house for a cookout.  That was back during the timeframe when he was being so very hateful to me.  He never spoke to me that evening and sat with his back to me at dinner.  On the way home that evening in the car, I spoke to him, and he ignored me.  His treatment of me in that moment was extremely painful.  I looked out the car window at that moment, and saw a rainbow.  I felt God saying to me that everything is going to be ok, that He is still in control.  I am so thankful that God used my obedience and the love dares in our marriage to bring DH to a point where he was no longer so cold and hateful.  Yesterday, exactly one year later on July 4, my sister sent me a photo of a rainbow that she had taken outside her back door.  God once again reminded me that everything is going to be ok, that He is still in control.

  • Determined, thank you for these thoughts. these are the same things I am going through, minus the D, but wanting them to feel my pain,  and experience my suffering, but the other day the elder that I keep in touch with said that this situation takes a daily toll on MH. God gave me a compassion for her that I didn't understand, I wanted her to suffer, but he wouldn't let me. I cried.

    God is good and we are in his favor. God bless you.

  • Its not over by any means. Remember that, cause it seems God is surely showing you He is still there.

  • AS Josh said, your spouse is feeling pain.  If not now so much, he will be brought to the pain at some point.  

    God resurrected the dead.  He can surely resurrect a struggling marriage.  Regardless what the future brings, keep trusting in His divine providence, be at peace, and keep rememembering you being still does not slow down God's progress in you.  

  • Thanks Tim, I needed to hear that, My being still doesn't slow His work

  • I see a lot of myself in that second paragraph. The pain, the finality, all hard to accept. But, like Sean says, I guess it's not over by any means. God has done much more amazing things than save our marriages. When Sarah laughed when she heard she was going to have a son God said "Why is Sarah laughing? Does she not know that with Me anything is possible?" ANYTHING! Our marriages included.

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