Collaborate without boundaries

Ripped open

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It’s been a while since I posted, and I haven’t logged onto the site in a couple of days.  I have been busy, which is good because it keeps my mind off of being lonely.  But tonight, my heart was ripped wide open, and I didn’t handle it very well.  I had just left a counseling appointment and was on my way to meet a friend for dinner.  I had a few minutes to kill, and thought that I would take care of some emails, catch up on Facebook, etc., so I pulled into the parking lot of a gas station and sat there for 5 or 10 minutes.  I am not sure why I didn’t go to the restaurant first and check email there.  As I was ready to leave, I put my car in reverse and checked my rear-view mirror, and there he was – DH was standing by his car, directly behind me, pumping gas.  As I backed out of my parking space, I looked over at him, and I am fairly certain he was looking directly at me.  I was crying by this point (started crying as soon as I saw him in my mirror), and just shaking my head back and forth like I was saying no.  I’m not sure what brought on the head shaking, it just happened.  I pulled out on a side street and as terrible luck would have it, ended up stopped at a red light parallel to DH.  I just couldn’t look over at him.  I kept my head turned away as I sat there and as I turned at the red light and drove off.  It reminded me of running into him 5 years ago in a chance meeting at a Walmart parking lot, where he declared his love for me after having not seen me in years.  I was immediately embarrassed of my behavior for some reason.  I don’t want things to be so tense between us, but my emotions are raw right now.  I am hurting, and seeing him was liking having salt poured into an open wound.  I miss him so much.

 

When I got to the restaurant, another strange thing happened.  My friend was in the restroom but had already been seated, so I sat down.  I was in a booth directly facing a man that was sitting alone in a booth directly facing me.  He wasn’t eating, I didn’t know if he was done or had just arrived himself.  I kept having a weird feeling that I knew this man, but I couldn’t place him and decided that I must not know him.  I guess maybe he could tell that I was upset or something.  After my friend sat down, tears started streaming down my face as I told her what had just happened.  This man stood up and walked over to me.  He told me that he felt led to come speak to me and tell me that everything was going to be ok.  He said that he had no idea what I was going through, but that God was speaking the words from Romans 8:28 to me, and he quoted “We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose.”  He told me once again that everything was going to be ok, and he left the restaurant.  After I told my sister that story, she jokingly laughed and said he was an angel.  As I have thought about that, I am not so sure that there might not be some truth to that.  God was definitely in the house.

 

When I got home from dinner, I was thinking about my behavior, and felt compelled to write DH a note about it.  For some inexplicable reason, I started towards a desk that I have in a spare bedroom that has stationary and notecards in it.  I remember thinking that he would of course never read my note, but that perhaps I would feel better if I wrote it and put my thoughts down on paper.  As I began to write, it became clear to me that I would be mailing the note.  I told him that I knew that he had seen me this evening at the gas station, and that I was somewhat embarrassed of my behavior.  I told him that I had pulled in there to check some emails inbetween a counseling appointment and meeting a friend for dinner.  I said that I wasn’t sure why I chose there, and that I didn’t realize he was there until I started to back up and saw him in my rear-view mirror.  I told him that I was reminded of a chance meeting 5 years ago in another parking lot, and made the comment that I wondered why that kept happening. I told him that I was overcome by grief and started crying.  I said that I hoped that someday the mere sight of him would not be so painful.  I ended by saying that I am headed to Florida with a girlfriend from work next week, and that after I get back, I would like to get together with him and tie up our loose ends if that timeline was ok with him.  We still have our taxes to file, savings account to close out, etc.  I told him that I would text him in a couple of weeks.  I signed it “Love,”.  Because I still love him.  I guess I will stick the note in the mail tomorrow.

 

I am not sure what all that was about tonight – it is just all confusing and painful for me.  Why did God in His sovereign will allow us to “meet” in that parking lot tonight?  It just ripped open my wounds.  My comfort and peace are in Christ.

  • Who knows  the reason why the meeting in the parking lot happened.  Maybe it was to get you to get over the hurt when you saw him.  So that that next time you run into him, you will be able to talk to him in a good mood and have  the ability to  show kindness.

    If you haven't sent the letter yet, reword it so he knows it was a girlfriend, not just a friend you were meeting at the restaurant.  that way he won't assume it may have been a date.

    Sometimes those instant things that catch us off guard just bring out the emotion so quickly we shake our head or the tears flow before we even know it is happening.

    God may very well had purpose for you to see him at the gas station.  And one day you may know what that  purpose was.  But don't dwell on it or let it consume you.

    As you mentioned, be at peace.

  • Thank God...He surely knows when to put people like that guy in the restaurant in our lives, just at the right time.

    Once when I was in my early 20's I drove by an old man laying on the curb, looked like he was beat up or a victim of a hit and run.  I got out to help him.  And walked with him to  his apartment, up a long flight of wooden steps.  He was bloodied.  the end of his nose looked ripped off.  he wouldn't let me call the police or take him to the hospital.  The  next day I went  to  check on him  and could not  find the stairs to his apartment. I always wondered if he was an angel.  I don't know  the purpose of it all.  but I do  not  doubt your guy was an angel sent to you.

  • You're human. Those emotions are normal. Dealing with them is the right thing to do. Let it out. Who knows why you met there. I was studying Exodus last night and God told Moses to go to Pharaoh and tell him to release the Israelites. Pharaoh did the opposite and made them work harder. That confused Moses and he asked God why He did that. God told him He was going to harden Pharaoh's heart in order to set up the circumstances in which He could show His power to all of Egypt that HE is God. It could be that God is putting us right where He needs us in order for us to be in a position someday to show His power to someone we encounter. We don't understand it but God is ALWAYS in control.

    That angel thing is interesting. I'm not sure that angels appear to us nowadays but I had a similar experience years ago. I swear it was an angel but who knows. All that matters is that it increased my faith. Because of that situation no one on earth could ever convince me that God is not real. That's why I fear God to this day. Not only for myself but for my wife and those who don't believe.

    My hearing got continued to June 29th. I'm thankful, like you were, for the extra time God has granted me to remain married. I can't yet imagine what you are going through but I will someday. I hope I can remain faithful and wait on my wife. I know that is what I'm required to do and I'm sure it's hard as you point out with seeing DH at the gas station. You still look at him as your husband no matter what. I will continue to look at my wife like that forever. I just don't think I will be able to deal with seeing her in public either.

    It is confusing and painful 'm sure.

  • God does work all things for the good of those who love him. It's hard to remember that some times. I know he has done this for your good, look at your testemony. On this site God made you a piller for people in your situation to go to and emulate. God's not done with you yet. I am excited to see just what He has in store for you.

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