Collaborate without boundaries

Another text

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Another text message from DH this morning, but I’m not sure that he meant to send it to me. He sent me a text that said “in office action”. He often since cryptic texts, and I knew that he was referring to some type of action going on in the office at work which was gossip worthy. I didn’t quite know how to respond, so I waited about 30 minutes. I finally sent him a text back and asked him if he had meant his text for me. About half an hour later, he responded “no, sorry, committeeman in action”.  So, I guess that since he became a union committeeman back on May 1, he went to the office with a union member on a grievance today.  He either meant that text for his daughter, or he sent it to me to see how I would respond. To test the waters. I can’t ever recall him sending me a text before that was not intended for me. So it was very strange today. I would have loved to have asked what was going on, and maybe that’s what he wanted. I don’t know. But he told me that the text was not intended for me, so I went with that, and just responded with an OK.

I told my counselor today about DH sending me a Mother’s Day text. She said in her professional opinion, it just wasn’t possible for someone to be divorced against their will and come out on the other side friends with their ex spouse. She explained that I know him in ways that a friend could not. I’ve known him intimately. That can’t be erased, And my feelings don’t suddenly become those of a friend simply because we’re divorced. My feelings are still those of a wife. A wife who was betrayed. His effort to maintain a friendship makes him feel better about himself for what he has done to me.  And she said that he desperately wants to see me happy and OK with things for two reasons. First, because he cares about me, and second, because knowing that I am OK makes him feel better about what he’s done. She said there’s a big difference between him coming to me and saying that he’s sorry, seeking forgiveness from both me and God, and seeking reconciliation for the marriage - and him being friendly.  She’s not saying that I’m to act un-Christlike towards him though. These are hard days.
  • If he asks how you are and I agree he may ask to ease his guilt, hoping you say you are okay.  

    It is fine to be truthful and say you are finding comfort in Christ during a time you were abandoned and hurt by the very person that was never to do so.  but whatever you say or do, let it be in kindness.

    And kindness doesn't mean neglecting the  truth.  

    Who knows, the text very well could have been him wanting to share or to test the waters with you.  Or sent  to you by mistake.  Do not dwell on this.  

    My thoughts....

  • I'm very interested in your second paragraph. I think I will bring this up in my therapy. My wife wants to be friends after this and like you are saying it just seems impossible after what she  has done to me. My problem is that we have six children so I'm being told by many people that I MUST be at least cordial with my wife but the professionals I speak to tell me I MUST get away from her because she is a danger to me. I can't be friends with someone who FORCED me into divorce. I can't be friends with someone who accused me of rape and abuse. I can't be friends with someone who lied about me hitting her in order to get a domestic violence protective order making me look like a terrible human being. I would never force her to do anything or make up the tiniest lie about her and still expect her to like me. It's all so confusing. Is there an answer?

    I see my wife as being nice as you say because deep down she does care about me and she needs to feel better about what she has done to me but I just can't do it because I have no idea now how she will react to any mistake I make. She's already proven she will go to immeasurable lengths to hurt me.

    Can she/DH come to the point that they will ask God for forgiveness? If so the only solution is reconciliation. That's plain and simple but also extremely confusing and complicated. You've given me a lot to ponder.

  • I know it's hard but the love of Christ says diferent, we are to love our enemies and do good to those who hurt us. This seaks directly against the Profesional oppinion and directly into the life we are to live in Christ, I know I am speaking from the other side of the fence, but we are called to love, even when it hurts because Jesus did.

  • Reflect Christ.  How does a parent react to a child when the child says they hate you, they wish they were never born etc.  You don't walk away from that child, you come from a place of love.   So the hard thing to do is to use the love you have for your spouse and come from there.  Putting your personal feelings aside and put the caring loving person you can be to take care of the one you love.

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