Collaborate without boundaries

Still standing

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I have been concerned all week about the lack of communication from DH, and discussed it with my counselor this evening.  Things seemed so great this time last week, and then….crickets.  My counselor as well as my best friend felt like I needed to share with DH how I feel.  They both used the word “bold” but my counselor added that I needed to be boldly vulnerable.  So after my counseling appointment, I sent him a text and asked if he was home.  He said he was, and I told him that I was in the area and asked if I could drop by, and he said “Sure”.  So, when I got there, he was cleaning up his dinner mess.  We went into the den, and I told him that I stopped by because I wanted to share something with him.  I told him that I was scared and sad.  I told him that I had really enjoyed the interaction that we had the last couple of weeks, and that I was scared to death about how this coming Tuesday was going to change things.  Tears were streaming down my face.  I sat there for a long time.  He didn’t say a word for a long time.  Then he finally broke the silence and said that as the time was getting closer, that he was getting scared too.  He said that when he first asked the attorney to postpone the court date, that he felt better, but that over the last couple of days, he has struggled.  He said that he had asked himself how long we could live like we are living, married but him in his house and me in mine, and had decided that couldn’t go on for very long, that it would be ridiculous.  I asked him “Would it?” and he replied “Yes”.  Then, he said that he felt like he was having a hard time making a final decision about the divorce because he had never been allowed to make decisions.  Growing up, he wasn’t allowed to make decisions, as a young adult, his opinions and decisions were dismissed by his family, and that he has always had a hard time making decisions.  He also said that he didn’t know why he got married, that he didn’t think that he was the kind of person that should be married.  I asked him why, and he said that he felt trapped.  (I think he has felt trapped his entire adult life.  When he was 20, he got a girl pregnant.  That was 42 years ago, and back then, you got married.  So he married her, and dropped out of school to go to work to support her and his daughter.  He’s been at the same job ever since.)  He said that he loved me and that it really bothered him to hurt me.  He said that he couldn’t figure out what to do that wouldn’t hurt anybody or that would make everybody happy.  He told me that he couldn’t visualize how we could make things work.  I told him that I heard something that made a lot of sense to me today.  I told him that we didn’t need to figure out what things would look like in 6 months or a year or even 5 years.  We just needed to figure out what things would look like today.  And then tomorrow, we just needed to figure out what things would look like “today”.  And the day after that, we only needed to figure out what things would look like that day.  I told him that I had prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed, and seen God answer so many prayers in this circumstance, and that I know that God is in the middle of this.  I told him that I was still standing, still hanging on.  I told him that I wanted to be his wife and that I wanted him as my husband.  He didn’t have much else to say.  We sat there for a moment in silence.  I told him that I loved him, and didn’t want what Tuesday would bring.  I told him that if he had any doubt whatsoever, that I was asking him to reconsider.  And I told him that no matter what he decided, I would respect his decision.  I then said that I was going to get going.  I got up and started for the door.  He followed me, and gave me a hug and told me to call him.  I don’t know why, but the words “I don’t think I will” came out of my mouth.  I was crying at that point, and it just came out of my mouth.  I am not sure that was an appropriate thing to say.


I was talking to my best friend about it a little while ago.  She is such a wise Christian woman, wife of a pastor.  She said that what he was describing when he was talking about wondering how long we could live like we are living was actually describing a separation.  I hadn’t really thought about it in those terms, but she is right.  I think that I may write him a letter and put it in his mailbox tomorrow suggesting that he consider putting off the divorce and that we live separately  - a separation – while we continue to explore how we feel.   It is so sad – he needs Jesus.  The trapped feeling that he feels – the truth sets us free.  True freedom is found in Christ.  He is so bound by Satan’s deception.  Thank you God, for protecting my marriage for one more day.  I pray that all the forces of heaven will be unleashed against the lies that Satan is throwing at my DH.

  • He may feel trapped his whole life or that he wasn't allowed to make decisions.  But, our spouses also get a little dramatic with their excuses quite  often in this trial.  Like these excuses are a crutch for the way they are or what they are doing.

    Now and then, words just pop out of no where, like you saying I don't think I will.  Do not dwell or worry if those were the right or wrong words to say.  Who knows, maybe it  was the Holy Spirit giving you the right words to say.  

  • The thought just popped up.  He is kind of acting like a little puppy.  Unsure what to do, scared of the world, worried about what's  going on.  And like a puppy, he's relying on your steadfastness (in Christ) for  his security, for his comfort, for his safety.  

    A puppy wants to know he has a pack leader or owner that he can follow. Your husband seems to be the same way, wanting to follow you because he senses it is safe to follow you.  

    Tuesday's around the corner. but as you shared with him.....It's just today you need to live in.  

    Be in HIs peace.  

  • Hang in there it isn't over till God sais its over, and remember that your strength comes from Him, remember his promises.

    God will never leave you that you can count on.

  • Once he lets Jesus in to take over he will understand. I resisted that conviction for 25 years. It's not easy and, until you give in to it, life is miserable. I pray, for his sake, that he does because the happiness he seeks in worldly things is only temporary.

    Your advice for living one day at a time is perfect. The fear that comes from thinking about the future is from the devil. He wants you to think about and doubt all of your decisions. He wants to expose all your past scars and watch them bleed into the future. Live for today and life will be much better. God will take care of the future.

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