Collaborate without boundaries

Trying to live the dares

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When DH got off work this afternoon, he called me to touch base.  He was planning on coming to my house this evening, and we agreed that he would call me after he got home to make final plans.  He called me a few minutes later to say that his daughter called and asked what he was doing this evening.  Without giving it much thought, he replied “nothing much”.  Then she asked him if he would puppy sit for them this evening, and he felt obligated to say yes.  He asked if I would like to come to his house instead.  I was a little hesitant – I paused for just a second and then told him that would be fine.  (I was hesitant because I didn’t know if I would be seeing his daughter and the grandkids, and I was hesitant to see the kids if we aren’t staying together.  I think it’s too hard on them and me.)  He volunteered to make us a grilled chicken salad for dinner.  A few minutes later, he called to say that his daughter and her family were at the mall, and the puppy was at the groomer.  They had planned to go to her husband’s mom’s house for dinner (thus the need for a puppy sitter).  However, DH’s daughter had decided that she didn’t want to go.  They live about 25 minutes out of town, and so DH volunteered to drive her home so that her husband didn’t have to drive all the way home to drop her off and then back to town with the boys to go see his mom.  So, DH said that he didn’t know how long it would be until he got home, and said that he didn’t want me on the roads this evening anyway because the weather is supposed to get really bad, and asked for a rain check.  I told him that was fine.  He asked if I was ok with it, and I said yes.  But after I got off the phone, I was really upset.  I had looked forward to seeing him.  I felt jilted, and somewhat disrespected.  But I am not sure that DH meant it that way.

So, here I sit, struggling to believe the best.  One of the reasons that DH has given for not wanting to stay married is that he just missed his “alone” time.  So I wonder if he ditched me this evening to be alone.  But I know that by the time all that ruckus was over, and he took a shower, it would be late, and then dinner would be late, and he has worked a 6-day work week and is tired, and he ended up hurting his leg at work today trying to pick something up - so in a way I understand him asking if we can get together another night.  I also sit here thinking that he didn’t want to tell his daughter that he was coming over here tonight, and that’s why things ended up the way they did.  Or that I am just not as much of a priority as his daughter, so when she asked what he was doing, he figured she needed something, and wanted to be free to be at her disposal.  

I pulled out my Love Dare book to try to help me respond to all this in a loving way.  Day 1 – Love is Patient.  “Patience is a choice to control your emotions, rather than allowing your emotions to control you, and it shows discretion instead of returning evil for evil…..(patience) waits to see the whole picture before determining its best response.”  So, I decided first to apply patience to the situation.  Second, I looked at Day 7 – Love Believes the Best.  “Love chooses to believe the best about people. It gives them the benefit of the doubt.  It refuses to fill in the unknowns with negative assumptions.”  So second, I decided to make a list of the positive things I believe and/or are thankful for.  DH called me immediately to let me know there was a change of plans, indicating that he cared about our plans together.  DH asked me to come to his house instead and even volunteered to make my dinner, indicating that he was intent on seeing me.  When those plans changed, he let me know, and made a point to ask if a raincheck was ok, indicating that he wants to see me in the future.  I choose to believe that he was simply tired and needed some time to himself.  I choose to believe that the bad weather was really a concern and expression of care for me rather than an excuse.  And although I am really struggling with this one, I am choosing to believe that his choice to sit at home by himself this evening does not mean that our marriage can’t be reconciled.  Third, I looked at Day 28 – Love Makes Sacrifices.  “When your mate is overwhelmed and under the gun, love calls you to set aside what seems so essential in your own life…” Tonight is one of those times when I need to set aside what seems essential to me.  Finally, I sent him a text thanking him for not wanting me to be on the roads in this messy weather tonight.  He ended up sending me a text at about 9:30 this evening that simply said goodnight.  I sent a goodnight back.  Wow - 2 goodnights this week.  I am claiming Isaiah 64:4 this evening - "For since the world began, no ear has hear and no eye has seen a God like you, who works for those who wait on him."  Thank you, God, for working.  Thank you God, for working all things for good, regardless of what I think of the outcome, I know you are good and your works are good.  Give me strength and patience to continue to wait.

  • My DH showed concern towards me as well. It was very dark the other night when he came over. He asked me not to walk so late. I told him I would walk earlier. As I was walking just a few minutes ago it was getting dark and all I could hear was his voice asking me not to be out so late.

    Funny how they are concerned about the trivial things but not so much about family matters or matters of the heart.

  • I can imagine what a good night would mean to you. yet alone two.  I pray we all get to hear a good night every night at some point in God's time.  

    Enjoy the thoughts of the goodnight responses, and let those thoughts transfer to thanking and rejoicing in God, just as you did.  

    Next time love doesn't want  to believe the best, remember this example you shared with us.

    Keep in mind, he's scared I am sure about whatever decision he has to make. And this may lead to indecisiveness.  And him making no decision is really making a decision not to act and cancel the d proceedings.

  • That last paragraph i know sounds negative or like i am rubbing a little negativity in your face.  I am not.  IN fact it is more on the positive side.....Meaning, because your husband is probably so unsure what he should do, it is a good reminder for you to pray he has Godly wisdom to understand what is  the right decision that God will favor, that he has God's strength to carry out the right decision he was led to, and that he is given the endurance to work through the tough and scary and unsure moment if/when he chooses to reconcile.

  • Does he not know the alone time is what is bothering him yet it is the very thing he says he misses and will gain through a d?

    What the world offers (alone time, or anything) never leads to happiness long term.  What God offers (peace through being in union with His commandments and being in His will) leads to His joy that trounces the world's happiness.

  • Your expectations upset you and I totally emphasize. It's so tremendously hard not to have expectations. It's totally human, and unfortunately we are all very human. All we can do is recognize that and accept it as a flaw and work to overcome it.

    Your second paragraph is what I talked about in therapy yesterday- FEAR. Fear of what others are doing and thinking. Fear is from the devil. He plants all those questions in your hear to make you doubt. The Bible has a lot to say about fear. Here are a few verses:

    Deuteronomy 31:6

    Joshua 1:9

    Psalm 23:4

    Psalm 27:1

    Psalm 34:4

    Psalm 94:19

    Psalm 118:6 (One of my favorites)

    Isaiah 35:4

    Isaiah 41:10

    Isaiah 43:1

    Matthew 6:34

    John 14:27

    1 John 4:18

    Love is EVERYTHING. If we could come anywhere near the love Christ displayed for us I guarantee our marriages would be fine and our spouses would be right with us. We are so human and make so many mistakes. We are selfish even when we think we aren't. We have to double, no triple our efforts. We must strive to love as Christ. When we do we will see results all around us, including our spouses.

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